People You May Know
by Galore23
Summary: AU: She's his tutor. He's the star player of the lacrosse team and the most popular guy in school. They live in polar opposite worlds, but when Lucas starts failing 11th Grade English, will Riley Matthews change who Lucas is for the better when she starts tutoring him? Or will the chaos of his life make Riley change who she is in ways she's not proud of?
1. Do You Know Me?

**Girl Meets World Fanfiction**

 **AU:** She's his tutor. He's the star player of the lacrosse team and the most popular guy in school. They live in polar opposite worlds, but not in ones you might be used to with this kind of story. Riley Matthews has perfect parents who love one another unconditionally. She has a 4.5 GPA, is expecting to get accepted into an elite writing program for high school students at NYU this summer, and has friends who support her in every way possible. Lucas Friar lives in a world of secrets and lies. His parents are in the middle of a brutal divorce, his dad's company is going bankrupt, he's failing 11th Grade English, and his girlfriend is cheating on him with someone he cares about. When their worlds intersect, their lives are changed in ways they didn't think were possible.

 **About this chapter:** The first paragraph is in the present and the rest of the story is set in the past. It is telling Riley and Lucas' story and leading back up to that paragraph throughout. Summary: Riley is obsessed with the idea of Lucas Friar, but when she truly gets to know him, her feelings for him change in an unexpected way.

 **Note:** I've incorporated aspects from different TV shows into this fic. The foundation of it (Tutor Girl and Mr. Popular) is based off of Nathan and Haley from One Tree Hill. Then there are elements from the show My So Called Life (the boy who leans against lockers, the introspective commentary from the lead character). So. Yeah. It might sound cliche at first, but just wait. It's gonna get crazy haha ;)

Other Note: This story is about growth (I know, Michael Jacobs would be so proud haha) so if the characters seem a little over the top at first, that's because they are and that's the point. So here is chapter 1. Enjoy!

 **Chapter 1: Do You Know Me?**

 **Riley**

There were a thousand things I didn't know. A million even. More than a million. In fact, I practically knew nothing. But amongst those millions of things that I was in the dark about, there was one single, solitary fact that I was absolutely certain of that rose above the rest and made it's way into the light. I knew him. I knew him down to his very core. And I was so in love with him. And the inconceivable truth about it was that he had no idea who I was. Not in the way that counted. Or at least that was what I had thought before… Well, just. Before.

–

 **1 Year Ago**

He was leaning against his locker again. He did that a lot. There was something so poetic about the way he did it that drove me crazy. He ran his fingers through his hair and laughed at something his friend- the funny one, not the arrogant lacrosse player with the boyband haircut- was saying. He did that a lot too, which drove me borderline insane. I wondered then, if he ever noticed that I was always staring at him in a way that let him in on the secret that I knew he leaned against lockers like it was his job to hold them up. I mean, I wasn't subtle about it. I figured, what was the point of hiding the way I looked at him. It wasn't like it mattered. He saw me the way we wanted to see me. Why couldn't I see him the way I wanted to see him?

"Riley, are you listening?"

I wasn't. I was never listening, not when Lucas Friar was leaning against his locker like that. God.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

"The writing contest, the one that's coming up in a month? The one that gets you into the writing program at NYU? Have you figured out what you're going to submit?" Farkle asked, picking at the poem I had taped on the inside of my locker. It was a love poem, but not one of those cheesy ones they put on Valentine's Day cards. It was obscure, real, honest and it described the way I felt about Lucas perfectly.

"Um. No, I haven't really thought about it yet," I muttered distractedly. Lucas wasn't leaning anymore, but in some ways, what he was doing now was so much worse. He was walking towards us.

"Riley, you really should have some idea of what you're going to turn in by now. I'm already editing the second draft of my short story about what it's like to lose your identity to the pressures of conformity and capitalism."

"That's because you're a genius Farkle. And because you have no life," I joked, raising my eyebrows at him and smiling slightly.

Lucas was coming up behind me. I knew before I even turned around. Before he even spoke. Be cool, Riley.

"Hey, Riley. Are we still on for my tutoring session in the library this afternoon?" Lucas asked. Yes, yes, yes! Always. I will tutor you until the end of time if you asked.

"Yeah, just be sure to bring your last English exam. And your copy of The Great Gatsby." I tried really hard not to roll my eyes. I hated the Great Gatsby. I hated the characters, I hated the story, and I hated that I had to convince teenagers who could care less about reading to read a book that I wish I hadn't even read.

"Okay. I'll see you after school. Don't forget I have-"

"Lacrosse practice at 4:45. I got it. We'll be done by then. That is, if you did the reading like I asked you to," I teased him. Let's be honest, I was flirting. And I wasn't even trying to hide it.

Lucas smiled and his nose crinkled the slightest bit. Lord help me.

"I definitely read it. Thanks Riley." My heart raced at the sound of him saying my name.

"No problem."

He turned on his heel and walked down the hallway to his next class. Even the way he walked drove me crazy.

"He's so good at that," I breathed as I watched him walk away.

"At what?" Farkle asked.

"Walking. Talking. Being."

"You do realize he has a girlfriend right?" Farkle informed me, an annoyed tone to his voice.

I did realize that. But I also realized that she was not in love with him. It was the way she carried herself when she was around him. Her posture, her eyes, her way of looking like she'd rather be having a different conversation a million miles from where she currently was. You don't act like that around someone you're in love with. You don't act like that around Lucas Friar.

"Yeah, well we'll see." I grabbed my calculus book from my locker and slammed the door shut. Only 7 more hours until I got to be with Lucas in the library. Someone invent a fast forward button for my life, quick!

–

There was something about the library that made the rest of the world disappear. Maybe it was being with Lucas in the library. Maybe it was the fact that there were no windows. Regardless, I always lost track of time during my tutoring sessions with Lucas. With him, time didn't exist. And I craved that more than I should.

"Do you think Nick Carraway is important to the story? What do you think we would gain or lose if the story was told from a third person omniscient narrator instead?" I asked Lucas. I was staring intently at my copy of the book. It had pencil marks from when I underlined important parts and wrote notes in the margins about my thoughts or ideas about a certain theme or character. Lucas' copy was brand new and pencil mark free. But he wasn't staring at his book like I was. He was staring at me.

"You don't like this book very much do you?" Lucas accused, squinting his eyes and furrowing his eyebrows.

"What? What makes you say that?"

"I can tell when you're talking about a book you love. Your eyes light up and you use a lot of hand gestures. But when you're talking about a book you hate, you're all business," Lucas pointed out. He noticed something about me. Something personal. Something you had to be paying attention to figure out. Something like leaning against lockers.

"Well, the thing is… I can't relate to this book. The characters aren't believable to me. I can't get inside their heads and pretend that I'm living their lives instead of my own. That's how a book becomes a book I love," I admitted, my words coming out rushed.

"Well, which book does that for you then?"

Do I tell him? Telling a person your favorite book is a big deal. It tells you everything about a person, deep down to their very core.

"The Secret Garden." I answered quickly, glancing back down at my book.

"Isn't that a kids book?"

I rolled my eyes. God.

"No, it's not just a kids book. When I was little… Nevermind. It just means a lot to me okay? That book… It's who I am."

Lucas stared at me for a moment, searching my eyes for something I couldn't quite put my finger on. "I've never heard anyone talk about a book like that before," Lucas whispered. "Maybe I'll read it after I finish this one then. Maybe it'll finally help me figure out who you are." What was happening here? Was this real?

"I didn't think you wanted to know that."

"There's a lot you don't know about what I want." The way he said this, with his eyes serious and his brows furrowed, made me believe that this was the truest thing he could have ever said to me.

This was the moment I realized that he was more than someone who leaned against lockers and tussled his hair. He was someone I could talk to. Someone who wanted to talk to me. And I needed as many of those someones as I could find.

I glanced down at my watch and started to gather my books.

"It's almost 4:30. You should probably go if you want to get to practice on time."

"Riley, can I ask you something?" Lucas turned to face me so that we were staring right at each other. YES. YEs. Yes. I nodded and he continued. "In your opinion… When you see me in the hallways or after school, would you say that I look…happy?"

Did I think he was happy? How did I answer this? Did I tell him the truth?

"I trust you to tell me the truth because no one else in my life is ever going to be honest with me," he added, answering my question.

"Well… I think you try so hard to be happy sometimes that it's too exhausting to actually feel the emotion when you need it most." Maybe that was too honest. But, he asked for the truth.

Lucas looked at me then like he knew exactly who I was. Like he truly knew me because I truly knew him. But that was the thing. I was starting to realize I had no idea who Lucas Friar was. I knew the idea of him. I knew what I wanted to know. And I saw what I wanted to see. But did I know him?

"Thank you, Riley," he told me, smiling slightly and picking up his backpack.

"Yeah… Um. Read the next three chapters tonight, and I'll see you tomorrow," I sputtered out quickly. We both stood up and headed towards the library's entrance. "Have a good practice." I told him as I turned to walk in the opposite direction, but Lucas didn't budge. Instead, his eyes were locked on my backpack.

"And all day it seems we've been in between the past and future town," Lucas said in almost a whisper.

"Sorry?" I asked, genuinely confused.

Lucas pointed to the button on my backpack.

"Bright Eyes. We are Nowhere and It's Now. That's a great song."

Again, what was happening?

"I'll see you tomorrow Riley," Lucas called back as he ran down the hall to the locker room.

As I stared after him, I realized I was staring at a stranger. He was hiding things from the people he called his friends. He was probably hiding things from himself. But for some unfathomable reason, he was trying his best not to hide things from me. I had no idea why. We barely knew each other. But I had this unbelievably strong feeling that all of that was about to change and I was going to know Lucas Friar better than he knew himself.


	2. Is This Who You Really Want To Be?

**Chapter 2: Is This Really Who You Want To Be?**

 **Lucas**

I hated lacrosse. The game, the uniforms, the coach, the players themselves. I hated every second of it. And I wish I could tell you that I wasn't staying on the team just to keep the friends and life that I had at this school. But that would be a lie. And I hated that most of all.

"Friar! Get out on that field right now! I want to see sprints, let's go!" Coach Morris yelled from behind me in the locker room.

"Yes, Coach!" I called back to him. Talk to me like a human being next time.

I placed my gym bag and my copy of the Great Gatsby carefully in my gym locker. Riley Matthews would have never let someone talk to her like that. In fact, she would never have stayed stuck in this life that she hated. She was exactly who she was and never apologized for it. I wished more than anything that I could be the same way. But I wasn't. And that is why I needed her as my tutor. I needed to be surrounded by that kind of thinking. I needed to be surrounded by who she was.

When I got to the field, things were exactly the way they were yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. Jason was acting like an idiot and trying to start a water fight with a few of the other guys by squirting them with his water bottle. Grayson and Michael were flirting with the cheerleaders. Coach was drilling Zay about why I was taking so long in the locker room. And that girl with the curly blonde hair was trying, once again, to get Coach to let her interview players for the school newspaper. It was all so predictable. And I had no choice but to live it.

"Well, now that his Highness has graced us with his presence, we can get started with practice. Sprints! Go!" Coach blew his whistle and we all fell into formation.

"Coach, if you could just allow me to ask the players a few-"

"Like I told you yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, we don't have time for your silly interviews Miss Haverty," Coach told the girl with the curly blonde hair.

"It's Hart, Maya Hart. This is for the school newspaper, sir. And we really need an interview with one or two players to make this week's issue perfect," she pleaded with him, desperation in her voice. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the pleading look she gave him; maybe it was the thrill of breaking this endless cycle of predictability, but before I even knew what was happening, I stopped running and took a step towards them.

"I'll do it," I told her. The minute I said it aloud, I knew I was going to regret this. Her eyes lit up and she threw her arms around me.

"THANK YOU! Oh wow, I was just hoping to talk to a few second strings, but I didn't expect the team captain to agree to this. Okay, let's set up a time before practice-"

"Over my dead body! He's already late enough as it is, you will not be the reason my star player is late to practice Miss Hart," Coach intervened.

"Oh no, of course not sir. How about after practice then?" Maya asked me, her eyes bright and her tone insistent.

"Um… Yeah, after practice will work," I agreed, reluctantly.

"Yay! Okay, I'll tell Riley that I have you for the interview and-" Maya began, but I cut her off.

"Riley?"

"Riley Matthews? She's the editor of the school newspaper. She'll be so happy I finally got one of you to do an interview, and the fact that it's Lucas Friar will be the icing on the cake!" She was doing this weird flailing motion with her arms as she spoke. How was she so perky?

I know it was stupid, but I didn't like the idea of Riley hearing me talk about lacrosse. I felt like I always needed to tell her the truth for some reason, and hearing me say how much I loved playing for this team and how my teammates were like brothers to me would be the biggest lie I could tell her. But I had already said yes. And I was afraid of seeing the disappointed look on Maya Hart's face the minute I went back on my word.

"Great. I'll, uh, see you tomorrow then," I told her, turning back around to finish my set of sprints.

"Awesome! I'll meet you here at 6:00!" Maya called back to me as I ran to catch up with the rest of my teammates. I could practically feel the joy radiating off her from all the way across the field.

The good news was that this interview delayed my going home for at least another 45 minutes. It also meant I had an excuse to talk to Riley about something other than tutoring. The bad news was that I had to come up with positive things to say about this sport I could care less about to make myself and the team look good. Oh. And it also gave my girlfriend more time to sneak around with my brother behind my back. So. I guess you could say it was a win/lose situation.

–

It started about three months ago. My brother, Holden, and I were playing this stupid zombie assassination video game in the living room of our family's apartment. My best friend Zay was in the kitchen fixing himself a bowl of cereal. My girlfriend, Merritt, had just gotten done with dance practice and Marta, our housekeeper, had let her in. The whole scene was like a movie. I could see it happening in slow motion and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Her hair was down, and framed her face perfectly. She had a flushed look to her, like she had rushed over here as fast as she could. Holden looked up from ferociously slamming buttons on the controller and I could just see it in his eyes. He was falling in love with her. And I couldn't really blame him. Merritt was beautiful in the way a sunset was beautiful. She never looked the same, but no matter how she looked, you never got tired of looking at her because she was so perfect. She was kind, she was smart, she was popular. She was everything she needed to be to be on top of the world and you couldn't help but let yourself get sucked into her whirlwind of being because you wanted to be a part of it too.

So, yes, I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me with my brother. But the twisted part of it all was that I didn't even care. I was actually relieved. Because that was one less thing I had to lie to myself about. So why haven't I said anything? Well, that's the million dollar question isn't it?

"Hey, there you are! What took you so long?" Merritt asked as I walked out of the building and towards the sidewalk after practice. She was leaning against the brick wall that lined the front entrance of our high school. This is what she did everyday. She would try so hard to act causal that she ended up looking even more suspicious. Her dance bag would be placed neatly in front of her, in the effort to make sure I knew where she had just come from. But I knew where she really was. And it wasn't dance practice.

"Sorry, got caught up. Let's go," I muttered, walking past her and heading towards her apartment.

"Wait, I was thinking we could go to that bakery you loved so much. Topanga's or whatever it's called?" Merritt asked hopefully. There was one thing that always impressed me about Merritt that I felt kind of ashamed to admit out loud. She knew what your weaknesses were and used them to her advantage as often as she could.

"No, I, uh, have a lot of homework. Maybe some other time," I tried to argue, but Merritt was not having any of it.

"Lucas, come on, we never spend any alone time together anymore. Let's just get something to go," Merritt insisted. I didn't have the energy to argue anymore, so I nodded and let her drag me off to Topanga's Bakery.

Topanga's was one of those places you found when you weren't looking for it. It was tucked away neatly behind an old metal railing and a thick line of bushes, but it was just as welcoming as it would have been if it were placed out in the open. I had found it by chance. And it had slowly become my favorite place in the world. It was my safe haven from the life I couldn't stand and I appreciated it more than I could express in words.

"It's cuter than I remember!" Merritt exclaimed. I fought the urge to roll my eyes. I opened the door for her and she shuffled inside, making a whole ordeal about pointing out the retro furniture with a modern touch and swooning over the "darling" light fixtures. "I see why you like this place, Lucas. What's good here? Have you had their scones? What kinds of flavors do they have?"

"We have Blueberry, Strawberry Shortcake, Lemon, and Chocolate Drizzle. The lemon scones are mine and my daughter's personal favorite, but I found that most customers your age prefer the chocolate drizzle," the woman behind the counter chimed in. She had extremely long hair and a polished look to her that made me believe that she strived for nothing less than perfection her entire life.

"I think I'll go for the Chocolate Drizzle then," Merritt told her, smiling that million dollar smile of hers.

"Okay, coming right up. And what about you? Chocolate Drizzle for you too?" she asked, looking right at me. There was something familiar about her, other than the look of familiarity you get when you see someone everyday after school.

"No thanks, I'll have the… lemon. And a black coffee," I told her, feeling proud of myself for picking the least obvious choice.

The woman smiled and turned around to get our scones. Just then the door slammed behind us, the noise echoing off the walls in the otherwise quiet bakery.

"Mom! I'm freaking out! You'll never believe what-." Someone, a girl, was shouting from the bakery's front entrance. Curious, I turned around and saw Riley Matthews staring at me with her mouth wide open.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, sounding confused. Like I was the wrong piece to the puzzle she was trying so hard to fit into this part of her life.

"I'm just… Getting a scone. What about you?" I glanced at Merritt. She was still smiling, but there was something hidden beneath the surface that wasn't there before. I just couldn't quite put my finger on what it was.

"Um…" Riley started to say, but the woman behind the counter interrupted her.

"Here are your scones. And a black coffee for the gentlemen," she told us, handing us our orders. "Riley! Hi honey, I thought you were working late at the paper today?"

"We got out earlier than I thought we would," Riley told her mother. She looked from me, to her mom, and then back to me. "Mom. This is Lucas, the boy I'm tutoring after school," she explained. She tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and bit her lip. She was nervous.

"Oh! Lucas, it's so nice to meet you!" Mrs. Matthews exclaimed, sticking out her hand for me to shake it. "I've seen you in here before haven't I?"

"Yes, ma'am. I come in here after lacrosse practice sometimes. You have a wonderful place here. It's the perfect place to be alone when you don't really want to be alone… That doesn't make any sense," I blurted out awkwardly.

"It makes perfect sense Lucas. That's what we were trying to do with this place when we bought it, so I'm glad that you feel comfortable here," Mrs. Matthews revealed.

"So you're the owner?" Merritt chimed in from beside me. I had forgotten she was there. It had been nice to just be here with Riley and her mother without the chaos of my messed up life interrupting us.

"Yes, I am. So… You're Lucas' girlfriend?" Mrs. Matthews inquired.

"Yes! Two years, in fact," Merritt told her, linking her arm with mine and looking up at me affectionately. "Well, you have a lovely bakery Mrs…?"

"Matthews," Riley finished for her, not unkindly.

"Right. Well, we should get going. Let's go sweetie," Merritt cooed, trying her best to coax me away from Riley and her mother.

I didn't want to leave, but I didn't want to stay here with Merritt either. It felt wrong somehow. Like being here with her was proving to Riley that I was exactly who she thought I was. Probably worse.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Riley. Don't worry, I'll be sure to read those chapters when I get home," I promised, smiling at her and hoping she would see that I wished that I could stay right where I was.

Riley smiled slightly. "Good. There's a quote on page 66. I want you to figure out what it is and then explain to me why I had you find it," Riley instructed, a tone of amusement to her voice.

"Okay, challenge accepted. Bye, Riley," I told her. "It was nice to finally meet you Mrs. Matthews."

"You too Lucas," Mrs. Matthews called back as she turned to walk into the storage room.

I reluctantly turned to walk out of Topanga's Bakery. It seemed like some form of fate or divine intervention that my favorite place to escape my life was owned by Riley Matthews' family. Being with her during our tutoring sessions was how I escaped everything else. It occurred to me just then that I owed Riley Matthews way more than she realized. I owed her everything.


	3. First Of All, You Don't Know Me

**Chapter 3: First Of All, You Don't Know Me**

 **Riley**

I stared at the blank word document on my computer screen and the cursor blinked back at me as if it were mocking my inability to come up with a single paragraph of literary genius. All I could think about was Lucas Friar in my mother's bakery. He had this way of consuming the entire room wherever he went. Now that I knew he had been coming into the bakery after lacrosse practice, all I would be able to see or think or feel when I walked into the room would be him. I took a breath and started to type.

The stranger lurked somewhere between where the building cast its shadows and the edge of the water. His face was covered, as if showing it to the unfortunate fool nearby would…

I rolled my eyes and deleted everything I had just written. I had nothing important to say. I had no original thoughts. I had nothing to offer this writing program that NYU was conducting this summer and I didn't deserve to go. The authors that I loved, the ones who have had the biggest impact on my life, were ones who had gone through unimaginable hardships. Who have seen and done things that have changed who they were for better or worse. I haven't see or done anything. Period. So how could I write anything that would mean something to someone?

My phone buzzed next to me and I quickly grabbed it, thankful for the distraction.

"Hello?" I said into the phone.

"Riles, can you believe Lucas agreed to do the interview? This issue is going to be the best one we've ever published," Maya screeched into the phone.

Maya Hart had burst into the computer lab after my tutoring session with Lucas. We were meeting there to work on the newspaper, but she had been late, which was very out of character for her.

"LUCAS FRIAR IS DOING THE INTERVIEW!" Maya yelled as she pushed through the double doors of the computer lab.

Every single person in the room turned to look at her and my heart stopped at the sound of his name. This meant I would be able to spend more time with him. But it also meant he would start to realize that I was not always the girl he was used to in our tutoring sessions… And maybe that was a good thing.

"Yeah it's… Pretty unbelievable," I told Maya. I moved from where I was sitting at my desk, to the bench of the bay window at the other side of my room, and stared out at the busy street.

"So we want to know what the team is doing to prepare for the championships coming up right? How is Lucas, as the team captain, giving his team the confidence to perform well?" Maya asked, going over her agenda for the upcoming interview.

Those questions seemed like the standard ones you would ask Mr. Popular, Pretty Boy, the 'I-Have-Nothing-Better-To-Do-But-Talk-About-Lacrosse' Team Captain. But what I saw from Lucas today… I was starting to get the idea that he wasn't any of those.

"Yeah, but… Maybe ask him more about himself? Does he have a favorite song he listens to before a game? A favorite quote that inspires him?" I suggested, knowing in the back of my mind that this was obviously not what we needed to write about in this issue.

"Riley, we want to know about the team, right? Not just about Lucas Friar," Maya told me, but I didn't say anything back. "Look, I'll throw some of those questions in there just for you, okay? 'Do you channel your inner Popeye and eat spinach to give you strong muscles before a game?' Stuff like that."

I smiled. This was why Maya was one of my best friends. She knew exactly how to make me laugh.

"Thanks," I giggled. "So, this writing contest. Do you have anything written yet? Farkle is one step away from contacting Simon and Schuster to get his published already."

"I have some ideas, but no, I'm not anywhere near Farkle status," Maya reassured me.

"Good. Man, I was starting to think I was falling behind. I can't focus lately. It's like I can't write a single word that means anything to me," I admitted, absentmindedly picking at a piece of thread on one of my throw pillows.

"You have been pretty distracted lately. What's going on?" Maya inquired. I wanted to tell her about Lucas, but I honestly didn't know what to say. There was nothing really to tell… But then again… There was something.

"I don't really know. I just…" Just then my phone buzzed and I removed it from my ear to glance down at the screen. It was a text message from a number I didn't recognize.

"Maya, I have to go. Call you back later," I told her and hung up.

I clicked on the message and quickly read it.

I'm on page 66. What does Riley Matthews want me to think about?

I smiled wider than I had in a really long time. How did he get my number?

No hints. Keep reading. It'll come to you. I replied.

My heart was beating loudly in my chest. It filled my ears, like a single solitary drumbeat in an otherwise silent concert hall.

You're so cruel ;) … So this interview tomorrow. No chance you're the one giving it is there?

Whoa. He wants me to be the one to interview him?

Sorry, gave that job to Maya. She's really awesome though. She'll go easy on you.

My mom popped her head in, but I shooed her out and quickly told her that I'd explain later.

Yeah, but you wouldn't. Maybe that's what I need.

I stared at my phone, thinking hard about how to respond to that. Maybe that's what I need. What did he want from me?

I'll see you tomorrow. Keep reading.

I set my phone on my bed and walked back over to my desk. I might not have had anything to write about just yet, but I had a feeling that inspiration would find me in the most unexpected of ways pretty soon. The only thing I was worried about was if that inspiration would be for better or worse.

–

There was something comforting to me about sitting next to a stranger on the subway. I didn't know them. They didn't know me. I could sit there with my headphones on, my music pouring into my ears and filling my head with beautiful melodies, and I would feel no pressure to say anything or do anything or be anything. I could just sit there, pretending to be whoever I wanted, and no one would know the truth. Today the song was Anonymous Club by Courtney Barnett. How fitting.

I was on my way to school, but there was a part of me that wanted to miss my stop. To keep going until I couldn't go anymore. But instead, when the subway stopped, so did I. I grabbed my backpack and waited for the strangers in front of me to shuffle off to their busy, anonymous lives, until I hopped off and did the exact same thing.

I walked down the block to the entrance of my high school. Students were sitting on the brick wall that lined the front of the building, others were sitting in the small patch of grass outside of the gym. They looked so happy living their lives and being exactly who they were meant to be. Must have been nice.

"Let's start an anonymous club, we can sit alone in the dark…" The lyrics poured through my headphones and I closed my eyes. "Leave your shoes at the door, along with your troubles, your troubles, your troub-"

I jumped about a foot in the air as someone grabbed my shoulder. I spun around and swiftly kicked whoever it was in the shins.

"OW!"

I ripped my headphones out of my ears and watched as Lucas grabbed at his legs in pain.

"Oh my God! I'm SO sorry!" I apologized, rushing over to him and placing my hand on his shoulder.

"Jeez, that must have been one heck of a song," Lucas winced.

"Sorry, I sometimes get… lost whenever I'm listening to a song that means a lot to me. I forget that the rest of the world exists I guess," I explained, hoping I didn't sound like a complete lunatic. Oh god. What if I kicked him so hard he couldn't play lacrosse anymore? Way to go Riley.

Lucas looked up at me then and a knowing look flashed across his face that made me realize that he understood. He knew exactly what I was talking about because he felt the same way.

"No, I… I know what you mean. It's okay," he reassured me. He was no longer doubled over, and he was almost standing up straight, but I could still tell he was in pain.

"Are you okay? Do you need ice? Did I ruin your lacrosse career? Oh god, the whole school is going to kill me. Maya is going to kill me! She's like your biggest fan. Wait, don't tell her I said that!" I sputtered out quickly.

Lucas laughed, his eyes lighting up and the pained look he had on his face only moments ago had completely disappeared.

"Why are you laughing? I just ninja kicked your shins! You need those to be team captain!" I exclaimed dramatically.

"Riley, I'm fine. Besides, it wouldn't be the end of the world if…" Lucas began, but trailed off.

"If… what?" I pressed, genuinely curious about what he was going to say.

"Nothing. Doesn't matter. So, you didn't tell me you were the editor of the school newspaper."

"You didn't ask. Plus, that's not something I usually go around telling people," I admitted, adjusting my backpack and taking a few steps towards the school.

"Why not? I think it's awesome." Lucas looked me straight in the eyes when he said this. No smile, no awkward giggle. He was serious.

"Please, Lucas Friar thinks being the editor of the school newspaper is cool. Yeah, that'll be the day," I scoffed. Ouch.

All humor was gone from his expression. He was no longer playful, no longer admiring. Now he was simply just… Hurt.

"Riley… I like having you as my tutor, I like hanging out with you, I like being your friend. But until you really know me, don't make assumptions about me. Especially ones that are just… Wrong. That's not fair," Lucas reminded me. I blinked back tears and tried to hide my unbelievable embarrassment.

"You're right. I- I'm sorry. I guess it's easy to think you know a person when they're thrown into the spotlight as much as you are," I admitted, feeling even worse than I did before.

"Yeah, well the spotlight is overrated," Lucas muttered, looking in the direction of where his friends were standing by the brick wall. "And so am I."

He started to walk off, but then stopped to turn back to me. His smile had finally returned, and his eyes had gone soft once again.

"I'll see you after school," Lucas called back to me as he turned to walk towards his friends.

The saddest part of all of this was that I knew that Lucas wouldn't have thought that being the editor of the school newspaper was lame. I knew that he would have found it different and interesting and completely unlike something any of his friends would do. But that made it worse somehow. I didn't want to be his unique safehaven from his life of routine sameness. I just wanted him to want to hang out with me because I was me, not because I was different than what he was used to. I took a deep breath, put my headphones back on, and let the music take me far away from where I was, just like I would have done if I never had gotten off the subway.


	4. Who You Were, Who You Are

**Chapter 4: Who You Were, Who You Are, And Who You're Meant To Be**

 **Lucas**

There was a time in my life when English class was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I dreaded going so much that I would come up with every excuse in the book to get out of it. My dog ate my homework, I think I was bitten by a zombie, I'm moving out of the country. You name it, I've used it. And the saddest part of all is that every single one of those excuses worked. Now, I'm not naïve. I knew that my teachers weren't stupid enough to believe such terrible excuses. It was because I was the team captain of the number one lacrosse team in the state. Plain and simple. I'm not proud if it, but I used this to my advantage when it came to English class as often as I could. Extensions on papers, excused absences if we had a game that night, exemption from lengthy assignments that took too much time away from practice. I used them all. Then something changed.

2 Months Ago

"Um. Hi. I'm Riley? I'm your new tutor," a girl with long brown hair and Violent Femmes t-shirt was saying. I was sitting at a table in the very back of the library, hidden behind the tallest stacks of books. I couldn't risk anyone seeing me with a tutor. The guys on the team wouldn't understand, and I wasn't in the mood to explain it to them.

"Oh, yeah. Hey," I replied, avoiding her gaze. I cleared a place for her to sit across from me at the table. "So, Mr. Larson wanted me to work on identifying the central theme in a novel. I understand what that means, I just can't-"

"What's your favorite book?" Riley interrupted me.

"Sorry?" I asked, surprised by the abruptness of the question and a little unsure of why she was asking me it.

"Your favorite book? The one book you could read over and over again and never get tired of it. The one book you would take with you on a long train ride. The book you could talk about for hours and hours and never run out of things to say because it's just so good," Riley explained. She was serious. No one had ever asked me a question like this before. No one had thought past my record on the lacrosse field long enough to even consider that I was interested in other things.

"I… I don't really have one," I stammered, feeling a little embarrassed. The truth was that I was intimidated. No one had ever intimidated me before. But here was Riley Matthews, the smart girl with the big questions that I couldn't answer. I had just met her and she was already leaving me fumbling for my words.

"Everyone has a favorite book Lucas," Riley insisted. Her hands were folded neatly in front of her on the table. This looked so natural for her, yet with anyone else her age it would look out of place.

"I… Why are you asking me this?"

Riley was right. I did have a favorite book. But I felt weird admitting it out loud. Lucas Friar didn't have a favorite book. At least that's what everyone assumed.

"Because knowing someone's favorite book is the way I get to know them. It helps me see past the surface, block out the outside noise, and really see them for who they are. Once I know a person's favorite book, I can tell how we're going to get along and how well we're going to work together," Riley told me, glancing down at her notebook and biting her bottom lip.

"That's a pretty dangerous weapon you have there. You could learn people's deepest secrets if your'e not careful," I warned her, hoping my tone was coming off as light and goodnatured.

Riley looked at me then, her brows furrowed, and her expression curious.

"You're right. Sometimes people hide their darkest secrets in books. Maybe that's my angle," Riley joked, raising her eyebrows at me and smirking.

"What if I'm not ready for you to know my darkest secrets yet?" I smirked back. There was something different about Riley Matthews. I couldn't explain it in words. But I felt it.

"Fair enough. Don't think I'm going to give up though. I'll get it out of you," Riley promised, reaching to pull something out of her backpack.

"I don't doubt that for a second," I agreed, watching her as she took her copy of the book we were reading in English class this month out of her backpack.

"Mr. Larson let me choose the book we're going to read this month. He thought that if I picked one that I was the most comfortable with, you'd have a better chance of doing well this quarter. So. To Kill a Mockingbird," Riley read as she examined the front cover of the book. "Have you read it before?"

She could have picked any book. Any book in the world for me to read on her first day as my tutor. But she chose the one book that I would choose to bring with me on a long train ride. The one book I could talk about for hours and hours and never run out of things to say.

"Yeah, you could say that." I knew then that Riley Matthews would change the way I thought about books. Granted, she would change the way I thought about a lot of things. But I had no idea she would change my whole world.

–

"The Great Gatsby," Mr. Larson was saying that afternoon in 6th period English. "You were assigned the first 2 chapters for homework. So give me a summary. What did you read?"

Several people turned to look around the room, as if trying to find the one person who actually read the book. Surprisingly, that someone was me. I raised my hand and everyone turned to look at me.

"Mr. Friar. A pleasant surprise. Please, tell us what you read," Mr. Larson instructed, gesturing for me to take over the conversation.

"Okay, well. I actually ended up reading the whole book last night," I began, clearing my throat and looking down at my copy of the book.

"Dude, why would you do that when Sparknotes exists?" Jason asked, and the rest of the class laughed in response.

"I actually really liked it. I couldn't put it down," I explained, feeling a little annoyed that I had to give a reason for liking a book. "The central theme is the downfall of the American Dream in a time where the rich were prone to spending their money on luxuries that they didn't necessarily need. The narrator of the story is Nick Carraway. He moves to West Egg and learns that his neighbor, Jay Gatsby, is one of those people who lives a life of luxury and throws grandiose parties every Saturday night."

"Very good, Lucas. I see Ms. Matthews has been a great help to you," Mr. Larson complimented. A few months ago I would have been embarrassed by that comment. I would have sunk down in my seat and pretended that I didn't hear him. But a lot had changed since then. And so had I.

"Yes, she has. Thank you, sir," I told him, avoiding the looks I was getting from Jason and the rest of the team.

"Well, looks like Golden Boy here has it covered. Guess we're done here," Jason announced, standing up and gathering his backpack in his hands.

"Mr. Daniels, sit back down," Mr. Larson demanded. His voice was impatient and I could see the anger rising up in his cheeks.

"Oh, sorry sir. Didn't Coach Morris tell you? We have a game tomorrow night. Special practice. We have to prepare and all," Jason lied, a smug look creeping across his face.

I knew where this was going because I had been a part of it only a few months ago. Any time one or all of the lacrosse players wanted to get out of class, they used game preparation or extra practice as an excuse. The twisted part was that Coach Morris and the principal backed us up every time. No one questioned it. And no one tried to stop it.

"Call Coach, he'll explain everything to you," Jason informed him. Several other teammates joined him, but I stayed right where I was. "Lucas, come on."

My grandfather once said that there would be a moment in our lives where we're forced to choose between who we were, who we are, and who we're meant to be. What I decided in this moment would define who I was for the rest of my life. Or at least for the rest of high school.

"I think I'm going to stay," I announced, my voice firm and sure of itself.

"Suit yourself, Golden Boy," Jason muttered as he grabbed the book off of his desk and walked out with the rest of the team.

Mr. Larson looked at me and smiled, relieved that he had reached at least one of us.

"Good choice, Mr. Friar. Now, what Lucas was saying was a good place to start, who wants to add to that?" Mr. Larson continued.

The Lucas Friar who sat in this class two months ago would have left. The Lucas Friar I was now chose to stay put and learn from someone who believed in him. I didn't know what the Lucas Friar I was meant to be would do, but I hoped that he would learn from the other two versions and speak up about how wrong it all was. I wasn't there yet. But I hoped that some day I would be.

–

Riley Matthews was standing at her locker, flipping through her AP Calculus book. Her brows were furrowed and she turned each page very deliberately, like she was purposefully avoiding finding what she was looking for.

"Whatever you're looking for in that book isn't worth that distraught look on your face," I teased, nudging her lightly in the arm.

She looked up briefly, her expression unchanged, and then moved her gaze right back down to her book.

"Okay… Tough crowd. Is something wrong?" I asked, genuinely concerned. I hadn't known her long, but I knew enough to know that this wasn't like her.

"Nope. I'm just looking for this theorem that I need to know for the test today and I can't find it," she muttered, flipping faster and more aggressively.

"Riley, come on. I know something is bothering you. You can tell me," I assured her, touching her arm in an attempt to get her to look me in the eye.

She slammed her book shut and turned to face me, her eyes blazing.

"I heard the lacrosse team cut English class today," Riley blurted out.

"Oh. That. Yeah, they did, but-" I began, and she abruptly cut me off.

"I can't believe it. You've been working so hard and you've been doing so well! How could you do that?"

"Riley, I didn't-"

"I've worked so hard to help you and you're just perfectly content falling right back into your old habits!"

"Riley, listen to me I-"

"I can't help you anymore if you're not going to take this seriously!"

"RILEY!" I yelled, hoping this would get her attention. It did. "I didn't leave with them."

"What?" Her voice was back to normal now and her eyes were a shade less crazy.

"Jason and the other guys on the team made up an excuse about there being a special lacrosse practice this afternoon to prepare for the game tomorrow, but I stayed put. I wanted to stay actually. I really liked the Great Gatsby and I was enjoying talking about it," I told her, hoping she had calmed down enough not to rip my head off.

"You finished the whole book?" she asked, clearly impressed.

"Yeah, I couldn't sleep last night. I think I found the quote you were talking about by the way. I'll let you tell me if I'm right this afternoon. Okay?"

"Yeah, sure… God. I'm really sorry Lucas," Riley said in almost a whisper. "I'm really impressed though. I didn't think you'd like the Great Gatsby enough to read one chapter let alone the entire book in one night," she admitted, shutting her locker and leaning against it. "Wait I take that back. I know that I don't know you well enough to make that sort of assumption. I should really stop doing that."

"Riley, it's okay. Really. I think you're starting to figure out who I am. You were dead on with that quote. And it scares me a little. Because I didn't even know that I felt that way about my life. But you did," I told her, looking her directly in the eyes.

"I mean I didn't really know, I just… It was just a guess based on what I've seen. And it's how I feel about my own life sometimes too," Riley confessed, breaking my gaze and bending down to pick up her backpack.

"Huh. Guess we have more in common than we thought," I joked, smiling at her from ear to ear. Part of me was flirting, I admit. But that wasn't necessarily my intention with Riley. Sometimes I just couldn't help it. I think I liked her. I think I liked her a lot.

"Guess so," she agreed, smiling back at me. "See you after school. Don't be late," she warned.

"I wouldn't dare," I assured her.

Riley turned to walk down the hallway. I didn't want her to think that the only reason I needed her was because she was my tutor. I wanted her to know that she was my friend. I wanted her to know that I liked who I was when I was with her. And I wanted her to know that she meant more to me than just those things alone. But there was the complicated fact that I was still with Merritt. And until I ended things with her, Riley and I had to remain what we were. She was my tutor. And I was the dumb jock she was forced to talk about books with every day after school. And that was all it was. At least, for now.


	5. Lost and Found

Chapter 5: Lost and Found

Riley

I glanced down at my phone. It was almost 4:00pm. Where was he? I had been sitting in our usual spot in the library for half an hour. Lucas had never been late to one of our tutoring sessions before. I had texted him asking where he was, but had gotten nothing in response. There could have been a number of reasons why he wasn't there yet. He could have been talking to one of the guys on the lacrosse team. He could have been with Merritt. Or he could have gotten caught up talking about a paper or test with one of his teachers. Either way, he wasn't blowing you off Riley. I rolled my eyes, took a deep breath, and pressed the call button next to his contact information on my phone.

Of course it was his voicemail.

"Uh, hey Lucas. It's me. I mean, it's Riley. Riley Matthews. Which you know already because my number is saved in your phone. Duh. Anyway… I was just wondering where you were? I thought we had a tutoring session after school today? But… Maybe you misunderstood what I meant by 'see you after school?' Wait I didn't mean that in a sarcastic, snarky way, I just meant… God. I'm going to stop talking now. I'll be here until 4:30, but then I have newspaper, so just call me, or text me back if you can. Hopefully I'll see you soon, but if not, I'll talk to you later I guess. Bye." I hung up the phone and rested my head on the table in front of me. Why was I such as spaz?

I took out the latest book I was reading, The Old Man and the Sea by Earnest Hemingway. I turned to the page I left off on and stared at the words. The longer I stared, the more the words started to look like a jumbled mess of letters. I shut the book and gathered my backpack from the floor. If he doesn't want to show up, then I don't have to wait for him. I pushed in my chair and headed towards the front entrance of the library. As I was heading out, Merritt Haynes, Lucas' girlfriend was walking in.

"Oh. Hey. The girl from the bakery. You're Lucas' tutor right?" Merritt asked, her tone polite and just a tad too chipper. Merritt was wearing a much-too-nice dress for a public high school and her hair was perfectly straight and shiny.

"Yeah, I am," I muttered, trying not to sound as annoyed as I felt by that 'girl from the bakery' comment.

"Sorry, remind me of your name again? Reagan?"

You have go to be kidding me.

"Riley."

"Riley, right! Sorry! There's this girl on the cheerleading squad named Reagan who kinda looks like you. Anyway, where's Lucas? I need to ask him something," she informed me, looking around the library for a nonexistent Lucas Friar.

"I thought that he might be with you actually. He never showed up for our session today. I tried calling him, but he didn't answer," I told her. She was doing a really good job of avoiding my gaze.

She removed her phone from her purse and started scrolling through it to what I was assuming was Lucas' contact page.

"Huh. Well, maybe he's just not used to you calling him. Let me try," she insisted, tapping the call button on her phone screen.

A few seconds passed before she looked at me and then turned away.

"Hey, sweetie. Just wondering where you are. I'm here with your tutor and she says you missed a session today. What's going on? Call me back. I love you," she said into the phone and then put it back in her purse.

"Well, I'm gonna go. If you see him, just tell him we can try again tomorrow and to text me if he needs anything," I told her, turning to walk out of the library.

"I'm sure he won't need anything, but thanks for offering. And thanks for sticking around waiting for him. You take your job very seriously." Was is just me or was her tone sort of… Hostile. Sarcastic. Unfriendly…

"Yeah, I do. I just… I really believe in him. I don't think people give him enough credit when it comes to academics you know? He's really smart and-"

"Don't you think I know he's smart? I'm his girlfriend. Of course I know how smart he is," she snapped. Well, well, little miss nice and friendly isn't so nice after all.

"No, I know. And I'm sure you know that he really loves books. And that his favorite is To Kill a Mocking Bird. And that he-"

"He told you that? He told you what his favorite book was?"

"He didn't have to. I listened to him. And I paid attention. It wasn't that hard to figure out." My voice was firm and sure of itself. I wasn't a big fan of confrontation, but I also wasn't a fan of letting someone I didn't even know walk all over me.

She looked at me then, very calm, but with a fire in her eyes that wanted me to know not to mess with her.

"You might think you know Lucas Friar because you've had a few conversations about books and the meaning of the universe, but you have no idea who he really is," Merritt challenged.

In that moment, a myriad of thoughts about what I could say to Merritt Haynes to put her in her place swam through my head. I could insult her intelligence, call her questionable names, deem her a terrible girlfriend. But that's not who I wanted to be.

"Maybe not. But I can say with absolute certainty, that I know what kind of guy Lucas Friar is. I know what he's capable of and I believe in him. So, you're wrong Merritt. I do know him. And I know that bothers you because you don't know him the way you used to." With that, I turned and walked out of the library, the door slamming shut behind me.

–

Since Lucas was a no-show, I made it to newspaper early that afternoon. When I walked into the computer lab Maya was frantically gathering papers and writing on notecards, muttering nonsense to herself as she did so.

"Maya, your crazy is showing," I teased,taking off my backpack and sitting in one of the computer chairs in the front of the room.

"Riley, my interview with Lucas is tonight, and I'm way underprepared," she muttered into her pile of papers.

"Well, you might have more time to prepare than you think. Lucas didn't show up for his tutoring session today. No one can find him, not even Merritt," I filled her in, checking my phone one last time to see if Lucas had contacted me in the ten minutes since I last checked.

"WHAT? Riley, we were really counting on this interview. Otherwise, the only people who are going to be reading this issue are Farkle and that guy obsessed with corn chips who sits in the back of history class and never talks," Maya complained, taking a deep breath and running a hand through her hair. She did that when she was stressed out, a fact I had learned about her a while ago when we were studying for an AP Literature test and she lost all of her notes on Wuthering Heights. The sheer panic on her face was enough to send both of us flying through her room, tossing clothes and books on the floor as we looked through every drawer she owned for any sign of those notes.

"I know, okay? I haven't seen him since right after lunch. I tried calling and texting him a bunch of times. I'd send a carrier pigeon if that was still a relevant form of communication," I explained to her as I dug through my backpack for a pencil.

"Well he was still here after school. I saw him in the courtyard with some guys I didn't recognize. They looked like they were from that prep school on the upper east side. Moneybags Academy or something like that. Their uniforms looked like they cost more than my whole apartment," Maya explained, bending down to pick up some of the notecards she had dropped on the floor.

My head shot up as soon as she said this.

"You saw him?"

"Yeah, the conversation they were having didn't look friendly. Lucas was trying to walk away, but one of the guys stopped him. It had a whole West Side Story, Jets versus Sharks vibe to it, except Lucas didn't have any backup… I didn't see anything after that because Marcy Foster was doing this weird thing where-"

"Maya! Focus, did you see anything else?" I wanted to know.

"No, nothing. Why? You think it's something serious?"

Well, when someone is in the courtyard surrounded by a bunch of angry guys, it's usually never a good thing.

"I don't know. But I'm going to find out," I announced. I grabbed my backpack and without another word, walked out of the computer lab.

For the past few months I felt like I was searching for the real Lucas Friar. When I finally felt like I had found him, he goes missing and I feel like I'm on the search for him all over again. I didn't entirely know why, but I felt like I owed it to him to find him once again, although this time in the much more literal sense.

–

I didn't know where to start. I didn't even know if I should be looking for him in the first place. Maybe he was just tired of it all. His friends, lacrosse, his life. Maybe he was tired of me and decided to take a break from everything. But I had this strange feeling. The feeling you get when you think you're missing something, but can't put your finger on what it is. And I couldn't just ignore it.

I decided to try the courtyard first. It was hardly a courtyard really. It was just a small fenced in area on the side of the school that had a few picnic tables and bushes. I had no idea what I was looking for there. It's not like I expected Lucas to be tied to a lamp post or something. But it was better than just wandering around aimlessly until he just showed up out of nowhere. The courtyard was completely empty except for the two freshmen sitting on the brick wall listening to music on their phones. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing that would lead me to Lucas. Nothing except…

I bent down to pick up a page that had been ripped out of a book. I knew what it was as soon as I turned it over in my hands. I started reading, my eyes scanning over it quickly.

"Mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy. They don't eat up people's gardens, don't nest in corncribs, they don't do one thing but sing their hearts out for us. That's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird."

To Kill a Mockingbird. I looked back at the ground. There was a trail of pages leading to the back alley. I followed the pages, picking up each one until I ended up in front of the dumpster. The book had been tossed in a puddle off to the side. My heart was racing. I didn't know what I was going to find in that dumpster. Maybe it was nothing. But maybe it was something. Whatever it was… It wasn't good.

I took a deep breath and stepped closer, placing one hand on the lid. Okay. You're fine, Riley. You can do this. Slowly, I lifted the lid and stood on my tiptoes to see inside.

"Oh my God."

I stepped back and let the pages I had in my hands fall to the floor. Whatever had been going through my mind before I opened the dumpster was gone. What was happening now…. That was so much worse.


	6. All These Things That I've Done

Chapter 6: All These Things That I've Done

Lucas

It's a weird concept. Observing your life from the outside looking in, instead of being right in the center of it. After school that same day I stood outside of our high school, watching a few of the lacrosse players and Merritt's friends acting like they didn't have a care in the world. Jason and some other guys were pointing and whistling at a few cheerleaders walking by. Merritt and Savannah, her best friend, were fixing each other's makeup and squealing about some celebrity they had been obsessed with for the past few weeks. This is what I was a part of everyday. Was this how the rest of the school saw me? Was this how I wanted to be remembered?

I took a deep breath and started waking towards them. The sun was bright that day, so I went to raise my hand over my eyes to block it from my view. However, as I went to do this, a large figure moved in front of me, making my hand gesture obsolete.

"Friar."

Jensen Haynes, Merritt's older, much larger brother, was standing in front of me looking like he was ready to kill.

"Jensen… What's up dude?" I addressed him, making my voice sound as friendly as I possibly could. Jensen was the lacrosse team captain at Dalton Academy, the prep school for upper-east side brats who got kicked out of their public school for setting off the fire alarm or bringing alcohol to prom. He's had it out for me ever since I started dating his sister 2 years ago, but once we became rival team captains you would have thought that we were at war every time we spoke to each other.

"You ready for us to dominate you tomorrow night?" Jensen taunted, folding his arms in front of his chest and smirking.

"Dominate? Really? Are we in a 90′s coming-of-age sports film now?" I joked. Jensen wasn't amused. He stepped forward and two of his hulk-like friends stepped up behind him.

"Oh wow, you brought back-up. Look, guys, I don't want any trouble," I tried to convince them.

"See, that's the thing Friar. You've already caused trouble. For my sister," Jensen explained through gritted teeth.

Merritt had this habit of telling her brother things about our relationship that he didn't necessarily need to know. If he only knew the secret life she had been living these past few months.

"I'm sorry… What?" I asked, dumfounded. "I caused trouble for her?"

Jensen and his two goons stepped closer to me, closing any space their was between us and completely blocking the sun from my view. They grabbed me by the shoulders and guided me towards the courtyard, where there were much fewer people.

"Merritt's been saying you've been getting close to this tutor of yours. I don't know her name and I don't care. She means nothing to me and she should sure as hell mean nothing to you. Not while you're dating my sister. You got it?" he asserted, poking me hard in the chest.

"Jensen, Riley and I are just friends. She's a really good tutor and she listens to me when-"

"That's not her job. To listen to you. That's your girlfriend's job. My sister. So I want you to tell her that you have to find a new tutor. That she's not working out anymore. I don't care how you do it, just do it," he demanded.

"What? No, she's really helping me and-"

"Then I will make your life a living hell. My dad is really close with Principal Knight and you know how powerful he is. They play golf together every Sunday. Remember that little incident with the bus and the alcohol last year? Let's just say I can bring that back up and tell them what really happened," Jensen threatened. His eyes were blazing and I swear I could see his pulse throbbing in his forehead.

"We had a deal," I reminded him. I was getting angry. I could feel it rising up, threatening to make it's way to the surface. Stay calm, Lucas.

"Yeah, well, the deal just changed. You get a new tutor or I tell the principal and the entire school that their Golden Boy isn't so golden after all," he promised.

I hated that he had this over me. If everyone knew the truth, it would change my life, but maybe it would change it for the better. I hadn't known Riley all that long, but I knew that she was worth fighting for. I knew that I couldn't lose her because some tough lacrosse player had dirt on me from my past that didn't even matter to me anymore. I had changed. And it had been because of Riley Matthews.

"Fine, tell everyone. I don't really care. I'm not hurting Riley like that," I snapped, my voice steady and sure of itself.

"Let me rephrase. You are going to break things off with your tutor, whatever that may be. Or I'm going to beat that Golden Boy face of yours until you can't tell your nose from your left ear." Jensen was right in my face. The way he said it was almost comical, but I could tell by his facial expression that he was serious.

"Go ahead."

Jensen clenched his fist and leaned in so close to my ear that I could feel his hot, angry breath on my skin. He took a breath and whispered so that only I could hear him.

"Listen to me and listen close. I can make sure this Riley girl never has any sort of academic career worth having around here. That means college, any sort of special high-achieving genius program she might want to get into, she won't get in. My dad is that powerful. I don't care how smart she is. She won't get in anywhere. So you better be damn sure you're willing to jeopardize all of that for her just because you've had a few conversations about dead poets or because you liked the way her hair smelled last Wednesday."

That's when I broke. I could handle him threatening me. I could handle him doing whatever he planned to do to me. But I couldn't handle him threatening my friends. Especially Riley. I grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him into the brick wall. I got one punch in before Jensen's goons grabbed me. The whole scene was a series of limbs flying in every direction. Goon #1′s leg connecting with my stomach. Goon #2′s fists meeting my jaw. My hands reaching up to push them away.

"Well, well, what do we have here? To Kill a Mockingbird. Looks boring…" Jensen muttered as he flipped through the book he pulled from my backpack. "Oh there's a note! How interesting." As he began reading, I closed my eyes. I hadn't known that there was a note.

'Dear Lucas,

I know you didn't want me to know what your favorite book was, but I think I figured it out. You need to work on your literary poker face. I could see your eyes light up when I told you that this was the first book we would be reading together. It was the look of someone about to read their favorite book. I know that look well. I want you to have my copy. My dad's English teacher from high school gave it to him a long time ago. Take good care of it. I know you will. We always take care of the things that mean the most to us.

See you soon,

Riley'

Jensen shut the book and turned to look me in the eye.

"See, we can't have this kind of thing Lucas. This is wrong. This is cheating. This needs to be stopped," Jensen warned. He grabbed a page and ripped it out before I could do anything to stop him.

"No!" I yelled, but it was too late. He kept ripping the pages one by one.

"To the dumpster, boys! Where this piece of trash belongs," Jensen directed them. Goon #1 and Goon #2 picked me up and shuffled over to the dumpster. I could have screamed. I'm sure someone would have heard me. It's actually surprising that no one had heard the commotion of someone getting beat to a pulp. But no one came. I guess that it was better that no one stopped them. Otherwise, it would have just been so much worse later.

"Lucas Friar. I hope this little chat of ours has resonated with you and you'll do the right thing for all involved. Now. Good luck tomorrow night. You're gonna need it. Especially with that black eye of yours. Oh wait." Jensen didn't waste another second. He slammed his fist into my face and my head jerked backwards. I winced in pain, but tried hard to show him that I was unfazed. In one clumsy motion the goons tossed me into the dumpster and I fell backwards into various items from today's lunch and a few cardboard boxes.

"I swear to God Jensen, if you do anything to her," I warned, stumbling over my words to finish that sentence.

"And I won't have to… If you do what I asked you to. See you on the field." With that, Jensen Haynes and his two lacrosse goons turned to walk through the alley and disappeared around the corner.

I finally let myself feel all the pain as I settled into the trash surrounding me. My head was throbbing and my stomach felt like an elephant was crushing my ribs and every single bone in my body. Part of me felt like I deserved this. Everything I've done in the past was coming back to haunt me. But I knew that I had to do the right thing now. I had to protect Riley in whatever way I could. Jensen and I had known each other for a long time. I knew that he wouldn't stop at convincing his dad to prevent her from getting into a good college. Or from getting accepted into that writing program she was so excited about. I knew he could do a lot worse. And there was no way I was going to let that happen because of me.

–

I tried to get up several times. I told myself to suck it up and just work through the pain, but I had no energy. One of the goons had shut the lid before they left, so I was sitting in darkness. I didn't know how long it had been. Five minutes? Five hours? I knew I had to get up eventually, but it seemed too impossible to do right now. I thought that I heard footsteps, but it was possible that it was some rat making it's way through the back alley. Another minute passed and the noise got even louder. Before I knew what was happening, the lid was being lifted up and light was pouring in, making me squint. I shouldn't have been surprised. If anyone could have found me, it would have been her, but I still let myself be shocked at the sight of Riley Matthews opening the lid of the dumpster.

"Oh my God," she muttered, backing away in shock.

"Now, come on I don't look that bad do I?" I tried to lighten the mood.

"Lucas, what happened to you?"

"See, it' a funny story really. I was walking to meet you in the library when I got distracted by this squirrel and just ran right into that streetlamp over there and-"

"Lucas!" I could see how worried she was. I must have looked as bad as I felt.

"It's nothing Riley. Just help me out of here would you?" I reached my hand up and she grabbed it, trying her best to help me out of the dumpster. It took some effort on both of our parts, but we managed to pull me up enough so that I could climb out. I wiped as much of the dirt and food off as I could, but it was pretty pointless. I was filthy.

"Lucas, tell me what happened," she insisted, her brows furrowed and her eyes concerned.

"I… It doesn't matter okay? This shouldn't even be your problem. You're just my tutor. This isn't in your job description."

I could see in her eyes that I had hurt her. It killed me to do it, but I knew that until I got this whole thing sorted with Merritt and her brother, that this is what I had to do. I had created this whole mess by not telling Merritt that I knew about her and my brother. By doing what I did last year and letting Jensen take the blame. This was my fault and now I had to deal with it. Alone.

"I'm just your tutor? If that's what you think, then I don't know you at all," Riley snapped. We were standing in front of the dumpster, and she was trying to move closer to me, but I backed away.

"Yeah, well maybe you don't. Maybe it's best if we just… Go back to who we've always been. I'll find another tutor and you go back to tutoring kids who really need it." I couldn't look her in the eye. I couldn't make myself look at the way I was hurting her.

"You don't mean that. I know you don't."

"I do mean it. It was a mistake to think we could be friends. We're too different. I'm the team captain of the lacrosse team and you're…"

"I'm what? The loser newspaper editor? The quiet girl who reads too much and never goes to parties? The lame tutor who tries to teach jocks to like reading even though they treat her like she doesn't matter?" she finished for me, tears welling up in her eyes.

God, this was killing me.

"It doesn't matter. Just go back to your life and I'll go back to mine okay?" I turned to walk away, but stopped as she took a deep breath to say something else.

"What about the book?" she began, her voice low and sad. "Was I right? This was your favorite wasn't it?"

I closed my eyes, but didn't turn to look at her.

"I don't have a favorite book. I'm just a dumb jock who hates reading remember?" I lied. "Goodbye, Riley."

With that, I turned to walk out of the alley and back to my life as lacrosse team captain, my life as Merritt Haynes' boyfriend, my life without books, and my life without Riley Matthews.


	7. Excuse Me, Do I Know You?

**Chapter 7: Excuse Me, Do I Know You?**

 **Riley**

I read this story once about a girl who lost her memory. There was nothing significant that caused it, she just woke up one day and couldn't remember who she was anymore. The people in her life were strangers. She had no memories, nothing that would help trigger the slightest idea of who they were. She was completely alone. There was a part of me that used to envy her. I couldn't really give you a reason why I did, but I used to be jealous of this girl. I used to romanticize the idea of having a fresh start. Of erasing who you were and anyone you used to know, and getting a re-do. But the older I got, the sadder that sounded. I didn't want to forget who I was or the people I had grown to know. I didn't want to start over. But I didn't want to go all the way back to who I used to be either. Now I had no choice. I had to choose between forgetting that Lucas Friar even existed or simply going back to my life without him. They were one in the same really. And I didn't want either of them.

I walked home that night hurt and confused. Nothing made sense. I thought that Lucas and I were finally on common ground. I thought that we were friends. And I know that sounded very "2nd-grade" of me, but if you would have known him, been a part of the whirlwind that was the "Great Almighty Mr. Perfect," you would have felt the same way if he took even two seconds to talk to you.

"Hey, honey," my father called to me from the kitchen as I walked through the front door. "You're home early. No newspaper today?"

I had skipped out on newspaper that afternoon after I left the alley where I found Lucas. I didn't want to have to explain to Maya what had happened and that he probably wasn't going to do her interview now.

"It got cancelled," I lied. "I'm just going to go to bed. I'm pretty tired."

My father looked up from cutting vegetables for dinner that night, and gave me a concerned look.

"Riley, is something wrong?"

"No, dad. I just had a long day. I'd like to be alone if that's alright," I muttered, not looking him in the eye. I wasn't in the mood for one of his famous lessons about finding the best in the worst situations or whatever he liked to teach his middle school students. I just didn't want to hear it tonight.

"Okay, Riley. That's fine. Just remember that I'm here if-"

"Yeah, dad I got it. Good night," I called back to him as I raced up to my room.

I threw my backpack on the floor and flopped face first onto my bed. I knew that this was probably pretty dramatic of me. I mean, yes, Lucas and I were friends, but it's not like we were soulmates or anything. I could live without Lucas Friar in my life. But the thing was that I didn't want to have to live without him. And I thought he had felt the same way…

"Riley?" A small voice called from outside my bedroom door. My little brother Auggie poked his head into my room, cautious, yet nosy enough to try his luck at coming into my room.

"Go away Auggie," I muttered into my pillows.

"I've got macaroni and cheese," Auggie teased, catching my interest. I flipped over onto my back to see Auggie holding a bowl out with one hand.

"You got ketchup?"

Auggie kicked open the door with his foot and he emerged in full view. He had the bowl of mac and cheese in one hand and and a bottle of ketchup in the other. The boy new my weakness, I'll give him that.

"Come here," I instructed him. I sat up and made room for him on my bed. He handed me the bowl and I squirted the ketchup all over the macaroni.

"That really is disgusting," Auggie informed me, scrunching up his nose in disgust.

"It's delicious. Want a bite?" I shoved the bowl towards him, but he backed away, sticking out his tongue.

"Gross!"

"Suit yourself," I laughed.

We sat in silence for a few moments as I ate my food. I knew August Matthews, and I knew he was curious as to why I skipped out on dinner. It was only a matter of time before-

"Riley, why are you sad?" Auggie inquired, his brows furrowed and his eyes curious.

"I'm not sad. I'm just… I'm really tired," I tried to convince him. I stared deeply into my bowl of mac and cheese, avoiding his gaze.

"I don't believe you," he asserted.

I smiled to myself and shook my head. I couldn't fool my little brother.

"You're pretty smart Auggie," I praised him.

"Tell me something I don't know." I shoved him lightly in the arm and he giggled. "Is it about a boy?"

"What? No…" I stuttered, squirming uncomfortably.

"So, it is a boy," he cooed, raising his eyebrows and wiggling them up and down playfully.

"No! I mean… Not really. I mean, it technically is about a boy, but it's not what you think." I sighed. I needed to tell someone what was happening. It might as well be my 9-year-old brother. "It's this guy I'm tutoring. I was finally making progress with him. He was doing well in his classes. He was starting to open up to me. And then…"

"And then… What?" he pressed. He was sitting on his knees and leaning forward like I was telling him the most interesting story he had ever heard.

"He just… He doesn't want me to tutor him anymore. And I don't know what I did to make him want that… I just. I'm just confused," I sputtered out quickly.

"Sounds like you care about him," he concluded, sounding very sure of himself.

"I care about everyone I tutor. I want them to do well," I reminded him.

"No, you wouldn't be like this if you didn't care about him. And in more than just wanting him to do well in a class. You like him," he assured me.

"Well, yeah I do like him. We're friends," I muttered, still avoiding his gaze.

"Sure. Just friends. Whatever you say, Riley."

I rolled my eyes and nudged him playfully.

"How old are you again?" I teased him.

"Old enough to know that you're a terrible liar," Auggie told me as he grabbed my empty bowl and hopped off the bed. "I'm also old enough to know that if you really do care about him in whatever way you claim to care about him, then he's worth fighting for. So don't take no for an answer. Find out why he doesn't want you to tutor him anymore and then change his mind."

I knew that Auggie was right. Lucas Friar was worth it. He was worth fighting for in whatever way I could fight for him. But I also knew that I didn't know where to begin when it came to figuring out why he was pushing him away. I didn't like the world he lived in. His girlfriend, his teammates, lacrosse. I didn't want to get involved somewhere I wasn't welcome.

"Thanks, Auggie."

"That's what I'm here for. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to talk Mommy out of killing Daddy for that thing he said about her casserole." With that, he walked out of the room and I was left alone to think - not think - about Lucas Friar.

–

The next few days passed by in a blur. At school, I avoided looking over at Lucas' locker in between classes. I refused to watch the way he leaned against his locker. I refused to stare at the way he ran his hand through his hair. I simply went to class, then newspaper, then straight home. I had forgotten (almost) about Lucas Friar and went back to the life I had before I knew him. Needless to say, I was completely miserable.

"Riley?"

Farkle, Maya, and I were sitting at our usual table in the cafeteria at lunch a few days later. Farkle catapulted a few green beans at my head with his spoon to catch my attention, and I snapped out of my trance.

"What?" I muttered, looking at both of their annoyed expressions. "Sorry you guys. My mind has just been somewhere else lately."

"Ya think? Farkle and I carried on an entire conversation about global warming and our deep concern for the polar bears and you were in an entirely different universe," Maya explained, picking up one of her french fries and popping it into her mouth.

"Well, I'm sorry to have missed that conversation," I said sarcastically. Maya picked up another fry and threw it in my direction, but it landed on the floor behind me. "You guys really need to stop throwing food at me!"

"Or what? Food fight?" Farkle joked, raising his eyebrows.

"You know, food fights look so simple in movies, but they're probably not so easy to start in real life. Like not every kid would join in all gung-ho to get cafeteria spaghetti slathered over their designer leggings," Maya pointed out.

Lucas entered the cafeteria just then. I didn't mean to look up. I tried to pretend like he didn't exist, but my eyes were drawn in his direction. Merritt had her arm linked with his and she was laughing about something one of her minions -friends - was saying. As usual, Lucas was in the center of it all. It was so cliche. The scene with the popular kids entering the cafeteria and the rest of us "peasants" scrambling to get out of their way so that we could watch them in all of their glory. I hated that this is how it was in our high school, yet here we were. But something was different today. Lucas was different. Just like I had looked to be a million miles away just a moment ago with my friends, he looked to be in a universe even farther than the one I had been in.

"So really, it's safe to say that… Seriously, Riley?" Farkle looked up at me staring at Lucas and Merritt, and rolled his eyes.

"Guys, I really am sorry." I rested my head in my hand and sighed in defeat. I didn't want to care. I hated that I cared.

"Riley, just talk to him. Ask him to explain why he doesn't want you to tutor him anymore. He owes you an explanation at the very least. He also owes me an interview, but we'll save that issue for another day," Maya suggested.

"Maya, he made it pretty clear. We're just too different. He needs to focus on doing his thing and I need t focus on doing mine. If he doesn't want my help anymore, then so be it," I picked up my tray and headed over to throw my trash away. I made it a point to navigate my way to the trashcans at the opposite end of the cafeteria, farthest away from Lucas and friends. Of course, as fate would have it, I didn't make it that far before my clumsiness got the better of me. Before I knew what was happening, my foot got tangled with the end of one of the lunch tables and I lurched forward. My tray went flying in the air and landed right in front of Lucas Friar and Merritt Haynes.

So much for staying out of his way.

Avoiding the looks and the sly jabs at my inability to walk, I started picking up my trash and tried to suppress my embarrassment that was creeping up in red spots all over my cheeks. I hadn't been on the ground two seconds before Lucas Friar, golden halo in all, swooped in to help me.

"Are you okay?" Lucas whispered, handing me an apple that had rolled in front of his girlfriend's $200 ballet flats.

"I'm fine. Just clumsy," I muttered, taking the apple and standing up as quickly as possible.

"Riley-"

"Lucas, go back to your girlfriend. Your life. That's what you wanted right?"

"Riley, don't do that. I'm just doing what's best," Lucas tried to convince me.

"Best for whom? Best for you? So you don't have to deal with the girl who trips and drops her tray in the cafeteria, who doesn't-"

"Riley! Enough, okay!" Lucas took me by the arm and led me out of the cafeteria.

"Lucas, let go!"

"Sorry," Lucas dropped my arm and took a deep breath. "Look, the person you've gotten to know these past few months… I wasn't always him. I was a pretty bad guy before…"

"Before? Before what?" I pressed, trying my best to look like I didn't care.

"Before I met you. And now his mistakes are coming back to haunt me and I don't want you to have to bear the consequences for what he did a long time ago. Not when you don't have to." He sounded genuine enough, but I was still confused and weary of believing anything he said at the moment.

"What kind of mistakes?"

"That's not important right now. I just… My life is so complicated. My parents are _this_ close to ripping each others throats out over their divorce, my brother is a traitor, my girlfriend is… not who I thought she was, and I can't stand any of my friends. The point is that… I need you. I need you in my life to balance out all of the crappy stuff that has been going on. And I know I treated you like dirt, and I'm so so sorry, but you have to know I did it for you. To keep you out of all this... drama. So if you could just consider tutoring me again," Lucas proposed, stepping closer to me.

"How can I be sure that I can trust you?" I snapped.

"Just... Trust that you really know who I am. Because I assure you, Riley, that you do. This might sound crazy, but I think that you know me better than anyone else in my life right now. Please, just give me another chance," he pleaded, reaching out to touch my arm.

I weighed my options. I could say no. My life would be a lot less complicated, I would live a life unnoticed. Things would be the way they used to be. Or I could say yes and let Lucas Friar's messy, complicated world mesh with mine. And then nothing would be the same again.

"The thing is that… No one can know," Lucas added.

"So, what. I'd be some big secret?"

"It's not like that," Lucas sighed. "I just don't want you to suffer for what I've done. And I know how cryptic that sounds, but just trust me. Please."

I looked into his eyes and saw how honest he was being. He really did care about me. And I was probably crazy for falling for it, but…

"Fine, I'll tutor you. But that's it. We're not friends. Or anything resembling friends. I'll help you pass English and then we can forget that the other exists, okay?" I stepped backwards, and crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"No, it's not okay. But I'll take it. For now," Lucas gave me a sad smile before he turned to walk back into the cafeteria.

I knew that I was going to regret this. I knew that he was going to eventually hurt me, somehow, some way, but I couldn't help it. I felt drawn to him in a way that I couldn't explain. And I had to risk the possibility of getting hurt to find out once and for all what I felt for Lucas Friar and maybe even test my own strength in the process.


	8. Let Me In

Chapter 8: Let Me In

Lucas

When I was twelve, my brother and I made this pact with one another. It was around the time my mother started to get paranoid, angry, and distant. Which was followed by the time my father got loud, defensive, and angry. We promised each other that no matter how insane our parents got, we would stick together and face it with our heads held high. We would protect each other, the way brothers and best friends should. Well, as we got older things changed. We changed. I made myself busy with lacrosse and my friends to avoid my parents. Holden focused on academics and theatre. And our pact was forgotten.

"Hey," Holden greeted me as he entered the kitchen. I was sitting at the counter working on an assignment that Riley had given me the day before. I was relieved that she had agreed to tutor me again, but she was definitely not going easy on me.

"Hey," I muttered, not looking up from my paper.

"So, mom's been hounding me about keeping dad out of the apartment. She's getting the locks changed and everything," Holden grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and came to sit next to me at the counter.

"Shocking," I scoffed. When it came to talking about my parents, I had the very firm rule that I simply didn't talk about them. They made the decision to drag their kids into their drama, but that didn't mean I had to agree to it.

"Yeah, and she's still serious about the blackmail. If he doesn't sign the papers, she's threatening to-"

"Can we not talk about our psychotic parents right now?" I snapped, slamming down the pencil on the counter.

Holden winced, but tried to act like everything was perfectly fine.

"Okay, then what do you want to talk about?" Holden asked cautiously.

Let's talk about how you're sneaking around with my girlfriend behind my back.

"Nothing. I want to talk about nothing." I grabbed the Great Gatsby and flipped to a random page. I could practically feel Holden's eyebrows furrow and his frown deepen.

"Well, I thought we could hang out. Eat the leftover Chinese food, plate Zombie Attackers III. You know, like we used to," Holden suggested.

"Can't. Too much homework," I mumbled. I could see his face fall at my rejection out of the corner of my eye.

"Lucas, is something bothering you? You've seemed… different lately."

"Yeah, well so have you," I finally set my book down to glance up at my brother's face. He still looked like the Holden I had always known; Golden hair, soulful eyes, strong build. But this person sitting in our kitchen, guilt-ridden and ashamed, was a stranger to me.

"What are you talking about?" Holden questioned. I could tell he was worried about what I was going to say next. He was worried that I knew about him and Merritt.

I knew that the majority of my problems would be solved if I just told Holden that I knew about him and Merritt. But I couldn't do it. Not yet anyways. Despite how hurt I was that he had been lying to me, I wanted him to be happy. And God knows that it's been hard to be happy with my parents tearing at each other's throats every two seconds. I could tell that he was in love with her. And I knew that he'd break things off with her if I confronted him about it. So I let them be. And on the other side of it all, if I broke up with Merritt… Well, that's another issue that I wouldn't dare touch at the moment. So at the expense of their happiness, I spared my own.

"It doesn't matter. I need some air. Tell mom I'm going out," I gathered up my books, grabbed my backpack, and headed towards the door.

"Lucas, wait," Holden stood up and I turned around to look at him. "Are we okay?"

Despite everything, he was still my brother. The one who kept me sane when my mother threw that vase at my father's head at dinner when I was thirteen. The one who always made me laugh when my dad slammed his fists on the counter so hard that it made the plates in the cabinets shake. He had always been the strong one, even though he was younger than me. And that still meant something.

"Yeah, Holden. We're fine." With that, I walked out of our apartment and headed to the only place that felt like home lately.

–

Topanga's Bakery was crowded when I walked through the door that afternoon. College students filled up the chairs and couches at the front of the bakery, a few kids from my high school were sitting at the counter eating some kind of chocolate-covered pastry, and the tables outside of the bakery were occupied by businessmen having a late afternoon coffee, chatting about their long day at the office. I walked in and started looking around for an empty seat.

"Lucas!" I turned around to see Mrs. Matthews carrying a piece of pie and a cup of coffee. "It's good to see you again."

"You too, Mrs. Matthews. You guys are busy today, huh?"

"It's midterm week at the college. Kids come in here to guzzle down as much coffee as they can drink as they attempt to cram for their test. Or, you know, they avoid studying all together and just eat their weight in pastries and chat about the latest episode of the Walking Undead, or whatever it's called," Mrs. Matthews walked to the table that ordered the pastry and drink she was carrying and set it down.

"Well, do you need any help? It looks like you're short staffed, and I don't mind," I offered. There was only one woman working behind the counter, and she looked just as overwhelmed as Mrs. Matthews did.

"Oh, that's okay Lucas. We can't really afford to pay anymore new staff members right now. But thank you for offering."

"You don't have to pay me. I'd be happy to do it."

Mrs. Matthews looked up from fiddling with her apron and I could practically see the relief in her eyes.

"Are you sure? Because that would really help me out," she admitted.

"Of course, Mrs. Matthews. I don't mind at all," I assured her, bending down to pick up a few napkins that had fallen on the floor near my feet.

"Lucas, you are a godsend! Thank you! I'll go get you an apron!" Mrs. Matthews shuffled off to the back and I started clearing off one of the tables near the window.

"Excuse me, sir? Can I get a…" one of the customers flagged me down at the front of the bakery. And so it began.

The next few hours went by in a blur. I brought exhausted college students their large black coffees and sugar-filled pastries and successfully avoided thinking about my parents or Merritt and my brother. The last few customers were gathering up their things from their tables when Riley walked through the door.

"What are you doing?" she asked me. She had a book in her hands and headphones in her ears. I knew even before she said anything that she had been reading in the park for the past few hours. She had told me once that she liked to escape through fictional characters, the outdoors, and angsty rock bands when she wanted to get away from everything. Just like I was avoiding something, it looked like she was too.

"Waiting tables. You know, it's a lot harder than how they make it look on TV," I slung the cloth towel I used to wipe the tables down over my shoulder and walked towards Riley. She didn't look happy.

"Why?" Riley crossed her arms over her chest and tried to look tough.

"Because your mom needed help and I was avoiding my family," I admitted. I knew she didn't want me around, but I needed to escape my life. And right now, this was the only place I could think of that I wanted to be.

"Lucas, I said I would tutor you, but-"

"We're not friends. I know, I remember. You were brutally clear about that. But I'm not here for friendship. I'm here to work," I smirked and grabbed a plate from one of the tables.

"Is my mom paying you?"

"Nope, I'm doing this because I wanted to. Your mom needed help and I needed a distraction." I set the plate down on the counter, and hopped onto one of the stools. Riley looked up at me, took note of my tired expression, and sat down next to me.

"Is everything okay?" Her expression softened a little, but her guard was still up.

"Well, let's see. My mother is blackmailing my father for a divorce. My girlfriend is cheating on me with my brother. And I made the one person I really loved talking to, hate me. So, you know, I could be better," I confessed, as I fiddled with one of the salt shakers and avoided Riley's gaze.

"What? Merritt is cheating on you with Holden?" She turned to look at me, shock written all over her face.

"Yep. For about three months. Maybe longer," I explained. I didn't want her sympathy, but it was good to finally admit to someone everything that had been happening to me.

"Why haven't you said anything to them? Why haven't you stopped it?"

"It's complicated," I stepped down from the stool and picked up the plate to bring to the sink it the back of the bakery.

"Lucas, you should really say something. I hate how Merritt gets to walk around all high and mighty like she's the saint to end all saints, when really she-"

"Riley, Merritt's been through a lot these past few years. I'm not saying that excuses what she's doing. And maybe it'd be different if…" I trailed off as I started stacking clean plates in the cabinets above the sink.

"If what?" Riley hopped off of her stool and came over to join me behind the counter. I turned around to face her, and smiled sadly.

"If I was still in love with her." I walked over to the refrigerator and pulled out two pieces of strawberry cheesecake. I put both pieces on a plate and headed over to set them on the coffee table. Riley smiled, rummaged behind the counter to get two forks, and joined me on the couch. I handed her a plate when she sat down.

"Now, I know you're not about to give me the wimpy piece," she raised her eyebrows and looked at me expectantly. I smirked and raised my eyebrows right back at her.

"Well, well. Did I finally find Riley Matthews' weakness? Cheesecake?"

"Please," she scoffed. She looked down at her plate for a second, but then glanced right back up at me. "But seriously, switch pieces with me?"

I smiled and handed her my plate. We sat in silence for a moment as we ate our dessert. With any other person, this silence might have been awkward, but with Riley, it felt completely natural.

"I don't hate you by the way," she mentioned, as she put a forkful of cheesecake in her mouth.

"It's okay if you do. I'd hate me too," I admitted, poking my cheesecake with my fork.

"I just… I guess I don't understand. What did you do that was so bad that you can't tell me?"

I wanted to tell her. I needed to tell her everything. I didn't care if Merritt or her bully of a brother found out. I wanted Riley in my life and the only way to let that happen was to be honest wither her.

"It's not something I'm proud of… But last year I…"

"Lucas?" Mrs. Matthews stepped out of her office in the back of the bakery. "Your phone's been buzzing like crazy for the past few minutes. You might want to check it."

I sighed, and walked over to take my phone from Mrs. Matthews.

"Thank you." I glanced down at my phone. 17 missed calls. 23 text messages. My heart lurched in my throat.

"What is it?" Riley set her plate down on the coffee table and turned to look at me.

"I'm not sure yet," I muttered. I scrolled through my phone until I found what I was looking for. "Hang on, there's a voicemail."

"Lucas, it's mom. I-I left my phone at home and the nice man at the front desk let me borrow his… I… No, I just want to see him! Why can't I see him!? Lucas, it's your brother. He's… He's been in a car accident. It's bad, honey… It's really bad. Come to the hospital as soon as you get this… No! I'm his mother, I have the right to-" the message ended and I slowly lowered the phone from my ear.

"Lucas, what happened?" Riley moved from the couch to stand in front of me.

"I-It's my brother," I whispered, barely able to say the words out loud. "He's been in a car accident."

I was suddenly twelve again and my brother and I were standing in our bedroom, making our pact. I was supposed to protect him. I was supposed to be there for him and I wasn't. Everything was my fault. By being angry with my parents, I didn't have time to spend with him and I pushed him to be with Merritt. I didn't want to be around him after school today, so I pushed him into going out. I pushed him away. And I pushed him so hard that he got hurt.

"Lucas." Riley was talking, but I couldn't hear her. I couldn't hear or see or feel. All I could think about was brother. car accident. hospital.

Riley came closer and I looked her in the eyes. I didn't want to need anyone. I didn't want to let the world in on the secret that Lucas Friar was human. That he could feel sad or confused or scared. But I knew now that I wanted her to know. So I let her reach up and pull me into a hug. I let myself hug her back. And I let myself feel vulnerable for the first time in a long time.


	9. It'll Be Okay, Eventually

**Chapter 9: It'll Be Okay, Eventually**

 **Riley**

I haven't had much experience with hospitals. My grandpa broke his wrist cleaning the rain gutters last summer, but by the time my father had gathered us all into the car and drove all night to get to the emergency room in Philadelphia, he had been released and we just sat in the lobby eating stale Cheetos as we watched my grandma try to convince him to let the nurse take him to the car in a wheelchair. That, and my week-long Grey's Anatomy binge watch last Christmas was the extent to my knowledge of how hospitals operated. Needless to say, this did not prepare me for what I would see in the trauma center of New York's finest hospital as Lucas Friar's brother was rolled into the hospital on a stretcher.

Movement - Frantic bodies rushing from one end of the room to the next. Sounds - Beeps, gasps, murmurs, unidentifiable if you were not used to them. Touch. Hands reaching out to loved ones, arms brushing against one another, doctors' hands pressed against chests ready to heal. The chaos almost looked organized, a choreographed number in an otherwise disorganized commotion.

"Lucas!" A woman, elegant, if a bit disheveled, with her hair pinned up high and her shirt untucked in the back, waved us over to the far end of the waiting room. She had been pacing, you could tell, from the way she had her hand on her chin, and her purse and jacket thrown over the chair.

"Mom, what's happening?"

"They won't let me see him. I practically begged the horrid lady at the front desk, but she was entirely unhelpful. I even offered her money. I swear, the proud people in this city-"

"Mom! What happened to Holden? Is he going to be okay?" Lucas' hands were trembling. I had never seen him this scared before. Lucas Friar, the invincible. Lucas Friar, Golden Boy. Lucas Friar, Mr. Perfect. He was human after all. And it broke my heart to see him like this.

"He… He took Jeremy Henson's Porsche for a joy ride with a few of his friends. They were drunk. Holden wasn't, but his friends were. One of them thought they were being funny and grabbed the wheel. They spun out into oncoming traffic… The semi hit them head on…" His mom paused, tears welling in her eyes.

"Shh, he'll be alright Mom," Lucas left my side to pull his mother into a hug.

"Mrs. Friar?" A doctor emerged from behind the two double doors where Holden had been taken a few hours ago.

"Yes, doctor! Is my son okay?" Mrs. Friar's eyes were frantic, desperate for any kind of news about how Holden was doing.

"Your son… Your son's injuries were quite extensive. He's suffered from a collapsed lung, several cracked ribs, internal bleeding, a broken leg…"

"Is my son okay, Dr. Francis?" Mrs. Friar pressed, her tone tight and her eyes blazing with intensity.

"He's alive. But only just. It's up to him now, whether he stays that way. The next few hours are critical, but if he can hold on and make it through them, then he should be able to recover," Dr. Francis explained.

Mrs. Friar sighed, relief evident in her facial expression.

"Thank you doctor!" she exclaimed, holding onto Lucas' hand and smiling brightly.

"You can see him now. But just you," Dr. Francis nodded and then disappeared back behind the double doors.

"Go ahead mom, we'll wait here," Lucas assured her, looking back at me.

"Okay," Mrs. Friar gathered her purse from the chair and turned to follow Dr. Francis behind the double doors. She stopped suddenly, and turned to look at me. "You're a good friend to come with my son. Thank you." With that, she headed through the doors to be with Holden.

"You don't have to stay," Lucas told me, as he collected his mother's jacket from the chair and sat down. "I think it's going to be a while, and I know you have that story to work on for that writing contest."

 _His brother is in the hospital, and he's thinking about my stupid writing contest._

"Of course I'm staying. I'm not leaving you alone in this big scary hospital to deal with this on your own," I sat down in the chair next to him and crossed my legs.

He smiled at me thankfully and I nodded, my gaze moving quickly down to my hands. A few moments passed and I realized that I was starving. I was starting to learn that emotional turmoil and stress made me hungry. We had left the bakery so suddenly, that I didn't think to grab anything from the snack basket that my mom keeps underneath the counter for those long days that she requires a pick-me-up.

"Hey, Lucas, I'm going to go to the vending machines. Do you want anything?" I rose from that chair and pulled my jacket tighter around me. Hospitals, I was learning, were entirely too cold.

"No, I'm okay. Thanks though."

I headed towards the hallway in the back of the hospital where the vending machines were located. My head was reeling from everything that had happened in the last 2 hours, but I tried not to think about it as I turned the corner and stood in front of the vending machines. I looked over each sugar-filled, empty calorie snack food and decided on a bag of pretzels. I put in my dollar, punched in the number, and my snack fell into the slot. As I opened the bag and popped a pretzel into my mouth, I heard a faint whimper somewhere in the hallway adjacent from where I was standing. Curious, I peeked my head around the corner to see Merritt Haynes crouched on the floor, head in her hands, tears streaming down her face.

"Merritt?"

As she lifted her head to look up at me, I could see that her eyes were red and puffy, and she looked like she was a million miles away.

"What are you doing here?" It wasn't accusatory or mean-spirited. She asked it simply because she wondered the same thing for herself.

"I… That doesn't matter. Are you okay? Why are you sitting in the hallway?" I approached her slowly, still a little weary of how she might respond to my being here.

"I couldn't go in there. For several reasons actually," she took a deep breath and wiped a few tears from her cheek.

I waited for her to continue, but she just paused for a moment, staring at the colored pieces of tile in front of her.

"You know, my grandmother told me once that when the people you care about are sick or hurt, it's sometimes better to be there for them at a distance at first. They know you're there, but you're giving them the time to heal on their own that they need," I offered, picking at a piece of fraying fabric at the end of my jacket.

Merritt smiled slightly. "Thanks, Riley. But it's more complicated than that," she paused again, but this time she closed her eyes for a second and continued. "About three years ago, I was diagnosed with acute myelogenous leukemia. I've been in remission for a while, but I just hate hospitals you know? The last time I left one, I swore to myself that I'd never step foot in one again. But here I am. And I know that's selfish when… When he-"

"Hey, Merritt. I can't begin to imagine what it was like for you going through that. But just remember, you're in this hospital now to be there for the people you care about. You fought through your hard time. Now it's your turn to help those people fight through theirs," I had turned to face her, and she was looking at me like she had never met me before. I could tell that I had surprised her. And I could tell that I had told her what she needed to hear.

"You're right," she stood up, and brushed off her pants. "Thank you. And I'm sorry for how I treated you. Really. I was just jealous, and I know I shouldn't have been. I have no right to feel that way. You're a great tutor, and an even more amazing friend to Lucas. I haven't been there for him like I should, and you were there when he needed someone. But that's all going to change. It's time to be the girlfriend that Lucas deserves. He was there for me when things got really bad. Now it's my turn." With that, she touched my arm as she passed and rounded the corner to head into the lobby.

I followed slowly behind her, knowing deep down what I had just done. Merritt walked up to Lucas, her hands shaking. I couldn't see her face, but I could hear the sobs and see the hunched position of her body to know that she had broken down again. Lucas looked at her like she was a stranger at first, but then slowly his expression softened and he stood up from his chair. Lucas touched her shoulder, and then she very carefully wrapped her arms around him. I knew that in that moment, whatever Merritt had done with Holden didn't matter. Who she was didn't matter. Who he was didn't matter. What mattered was that moment. And the fact that they needed each other. I smiled sadly to myself, and backed away, pretzels still in my hand. Lucas needed someone who was familiar with his past now. Who could connect to the way he felt about his brother when he was younger. And right now, that was Merritt. And it was my job as Lucas' friend, to let them deal with this together.

–

As I headed through the front doors of the hospital, my head was spinning with everything that had happened tonight. One minute Lucas and I were in my mother's bakery eating cheesecake, and the next, everything had changed. As I rounded the corner, my shoulder slammed into a tall, broad body. Lacrosse equipment tumbled to the ground in front of us, and I scrambled to pick it up.

"I am so sorry. I swear, my clumsiness should be broadcast on the news as a national threat. Here, let me help," I bent down to pick up his bag, and more items fell onto the pile. On top, was a jersey with the name Haynes on the back. "Haynes? Are you Merritt's brother?"

"On the days I claim her, yes," his smile was wide, and too nice, just like Merritt's. "Jensen Haynes, nice to meet you."

"Riley Matthews," I reached out to shake his hand and his smiled got even wider.

"I know who you are, Riley Matthews. You're tutoring Merritt's boyfriend aren't you?" The way he said it, straight-forward and too sure of himself, made it seem like he knew all too well that I was tutoring Lucas.

"Yeah - I mean, I was. He decided that he was better off finding someone else to tutor him," I explained, hoping that I didn't sound too nervous. "And I agreed. We were just… Too different. It's all for the best."

"Well, that's too bad. Hey, this probably isn't the best time, but I could really use some help figuring out this whole calculus thing," he gestured to the book he had picked up from the ground. "And since you're not helping Lucas anymore, I was wondering if you would consider tutoring me?"

My gut was telling me no. I had still agreed to tutor Lucas again, even if we were having our sessions without anyone knowing about them. And something deep down was screaming at me not to trust Jensen, for whatever reason. But I needed Lucas to focus on Holden. I would still be there for him. I would still help him in whatever way I could, but it wouldn't hurt to keep myself busy with other things as well.

"Um, sure. I can help you out," I told him, tucking my hair behind my ear.

"Great," there was that smile again. "Well, here, put your number in my phone. We can meet up at my house after school. What days are you free?" I took his phone from his hands and punched in my number.

"Well, I have newspaper on Monday and Wednesday, but any other day should work. Just text me when you want to meet up," I handed the phone back to him and he pushed it into his pocket.

"Awesome. Well, I was just heading to the hospital. Lucas' brother just got into a terrible accident. Did you hear about that?" He was getting at something, I could tell. But I brushed it off, and gathered his bag from the ground and handed it to him.

"No, I didn't. I hope he's okay," Jensen took the bag and sighed.

"Yeah, me too. I'll let you know how he's doing when I see you tomorrow," he turned to walk away, but I gave him a confused look. "For our tutoring sessions remember?"

"Oh, right," I laughed, a little embarrassed. "Wait. When did we decide on meeting tomorrow?"

"Check your phone," he smirked, holding up his phone and gesturing to my purse. I pulled my phone out, and turned it on to see that I had one text message from a number I didn't recognize.

"See you tomorrow, Matthews. I'll bring my calculus book. You bring that smart and beautiful head of yours," I read off of my phone. "Smart and beautiful head? Really?"

"Hey, I speak nothing but the truth," he smirked, walking backwards toward the hospital. "See you tomorrow. I'll text you the address!"

With that, he disappeared around the corner, and I started walking home. I had gone about a block before I realized that I hadn't told Lucas that I was leaving. I was trying to give him space to be with his brother, but I didn't want him to think I didn't care. I got out my phone again and typed a quick message.

 _Hey. I'm sorry I just left like that. You needed to be with your mom and brother. And Merritt too. I didn't want to be in the way of that. I'm here if you need anything. Always. Whenever you want to start the tutoring sessions again, I'll be there to help you. I really hope your brother is going to be okay._

I sent the massage and looked up to see two large figures walking towards me. Knowing the type of people you can meet on the street in New York late at night, I turned around to walk back towards the hospital. I could hear footsteps walking faster. Panic started to overtake me, and I started to pick up my pace. Before I knew what was happening, the two figures cornered me on either side and pinned me against the wall. They were wearing masks, so I couldn't see their faces.

"Leave Lucas Friar alone," one of them breathed, low and deep into my ear.

"It's for your own good. You don't know what he's done. And you don't want to," the other one warned.

"I don't understand. Why are you doing this?" I muttered, my voice shaking uncontrollably as I spoke.

They didn't answer. Instead, one of them slammed his hand onto the wall, right next to my face, and I jumped. They both backed away and walked in the the opposite direction.

Terrified, I slid down the wall and curled my legs up to my chest. I sat there for a long time, unsure of what to do or how to feel. Whatever Lucas had done in his past, was way more complicated than I thought. People were angry. And they were starting to take it out on me. I had to decide if Lucas Friar was worth this much trouble. And I needed to decide soon.


	10. As Time Passes Us By

Chapter 10: As Time Passes Us By

Lucas

It was becoming an increasingly evident fact that time moved differently in a hospital. When you were in the waiting room, everything happened in slow motion; like you were stuck in quicksand, trying with all your might to get out before it swallowed you up. The doctors, however, moved at top speed. It was as if they were stuck on fast-forward while everyone else was simply left on pause. It felt like we were in that waiting room for days. Weeks even. But it had only been 9 hours. 9 hours and no change.

"Lucas, go home sweetie. Get some rest, have Marta fix you a good meal. I'll call you as soon as anything changes," my mom emerged from behind the double doors where the ICU was located and walked over to sit next to me. The doctors still had not let me see him, but I wasn't entirely sure that was a bad thing. I didn't know how I was going to handle seeing him hurt and unconscious and broken. And I wasn't in any hurry to find out.

"No, I'm okay. I don't want to leave you," I argued, patting my mom's hand and fighting the urge to yawn.

"As much as it pains me to say this, your father should be here in a few hours. His flight gets in at 8am, so I won't be alone, if that's what you're worried about," she smoothed down a flyaway hair near the tip of my eyebrow. "Seriously, honey. Go home. I'll be fine."

"But-"

"Go on, Lucas. Mother's orders," she gave me a stern look, but winked to lighten the mood.

I rose from my seat, still hesitant to leave. I knew that as soon as I walked out those front doors, something was going to go terribly wrong. But this is what my mom wanted. That, and I was starting to develop an odor, so I could definitely stand for a shower.

"Okay, but you'll call as soon as something changes?"

"He so much as twitches an eyebrow, you'll be the first to know," my mother promised me as she led me toward the front entrance of the hospital.

I leaned in to hug her, and she rested her head on my shoulder.

"I love you Lucas," she whispered, her voice shaking from the oncoming tears.

"I love you too, mom," I pulled back and gave her a reassuring smile, before I backed up and turned to walk out of the hospital.

The walk back to our apartment was much slower than I anticipated, but the fresh, cold air, felt amazing compared to the stuffiness of the hospital lobby, so I didn't mind. Once I reached our apartment door, my hands started to shake and I closed my eyes. The last time I had been in there with my brother, I had been so cold to him. I had acted like he was a complete stranger, and one that I couldn't be bothered to spend 5 minutes with. I took a deep breath and turned the doorknob.

"Lucas."

I looked up to see my father sitting in the kitchen, his head down and his hands resting on the table. His suitcase was next to the dining room table, and a pot of coffee was brewing in the kitchen.

"I didn't think you were supposed to be back until later," I muttered, avoiding his gaze and heading towards the refrigerator for a bottle of water.

"I caught an earlier flight. How's Holden?" He sounded tired, like he had been up all night trying to find a flight that would get him here as soon as possible.

"He's the same. Mom said she would call if anything changed. She's fine too by the way. Worried out of her mind. But she's holding it together. No thanks to you," I didn't care what he would say to me. I didn't care if he got angry or threw things or called me terrible names. I just didn't care anymore.

"You're mother is the strongest person I know. She doesn't need me," the way he said it, made it sound like he was afraid to step into that hospital for some reason. Like he wouldn't be able to handle what was behind the sliding glass doors.

"She will never admit this out loud, but she does need you. She needs you to be there for your son. So whatever you two have going on - with the divorce, your company, the blackmail - it needs to disappear once you enter that hospital room." With that, I grabbed an apple from the counter and headed to my room to take a shower.

I threw my hoodie on my bedroom floor and went to turn on the lights. It looked just like how I left it. Bed unmade, dresser drawers slightly opened, books stacked in piles near my bedside table. This part of my world remained unchanged. It seemed impossible that this could happen when the rest of my world was changing in the most unbearable ways. I glanced down at my hoodie, and noticed my phone peeking out of one of the pockets. I hadn't checked it since I had gotten to the hospital last night with Riley… Riley. What had happened to her? I turned on my phone, expecting to see a text or hear a voicemail explaining her disappearing act, but there was nothing there. Just a text from Merritt and a missed call from Zay. I read the text from Merritt.

 _Lucas. I know things have been off with us for a while, and that is completely my fault. But I want to be there for you while Holden is recovering. I care for both of you, and I want to help in whatever way I can. Tell me what you need, and I will be there for you._

Despite how she's treated me these past few months. Despite the way I felt about her now. Merritt was the one who checked up on me. Merritt is the one who stayed with me all night at the hospital. Merritt is the one who stuck with me when I needed someone the most. And she was still my girlfriend… But she wasn't the person I wanted to talk to right now.

 _Hey. I'm not sure what happened to you last night, but it doesn't matter. I need to talk to you. You're the one I want to be with right now. Call me when you get this. Please, Riley. I need you._

I sent the message, tossed my phone on the bed, turned on some music, and gathered some clean clothes to put on after my shower. It had been a long night, and I needed to wash away the dirt and grime of everything that had happened. I walked over to my dresser to pick out a clean t-shirt when I noticed the photo that was placed between the mirror and its frame. It was a picture of Holden, my parents, and myself. It was about four years ago. We were at the zoo, enjoying the first day of summer. Everything was going perfectly until my father had gotten a call that changed everything. It was our last good day together, just the four of us. I wished with everything I had that I could go back to that day and stop him from answering that phone. Maybe my life would be different. Maybe Holden would be at home right now, instead of in the hospital, fighting for his life. I placed the photo back in it's spot and turned towards the bathroom to get in the shower.

–

I slept for about 30 minutes before my phone started buzzing. I woke with a start and grabbed my phone from the nightstand.

"Hello?"

"Luke! How's Holden?" Zay asked, his voice full of concern.

"He's… the same. Aren't you supposed to be in school?"

"I am. We got called into an assembly. I think it's some vigil or something for your brother," Zay had to strain his voice to be heard over the roar of the crowd. I could feel my blood starting to boil up and my hands starting to shake, like they did when I was starting to get really angry.

"Why are they acting like he's dead already? He's not dead, he's just in the hospital," I sat up and started throwing a tennis ball at the wall. This was a trick I learned to keep my anger under control. Sometimes it worked. A lot of the time it didn't.

"Merritt and the dance team thought it would be kind of nice. There are cards and signs and candles. It's this whole big thing," Zay explained.

"She had no right to do that. He's going to be fine!"

"I know, Lucas. He is. But this is how some people deal with this kind of thing. And if it keeps her from breaking down entirely, then I think she should have the right to do whatever she needs to hold herself together."

I knew that Zay was right. There was no harm in what Merritt was doing. In fact, it probably helped a lot of kids at school deal with what happened to Holden. At least they were dealing with it in some sort of way.

"You're right. I'm sorry, I'm just going a little crazy over here," I ran my hand through my hair and took a deep breath.

"Lucas, it's okay. You're going through a hard time. We're here for you, man," Zay promised, as the crowd got even louder in the background. "Hey, it's about to start. I'll talk to you later?"

"Yeah, talk to you later. Thanks for calling," I hung up the phone and headed over to my dresser.

There was no use going to sleep now. I shoved my phone in my pocket and headed to the front door to leave the apartment. I was going to school. I needed to deal with Holden's accident with the people I cared about. I needed to see Riley. On my way out, I passed my unconscious father on the sofa. The coffee was in the sink, and it was replaced by the bottle of bourbon on the end table next to him. Feeling the anger bubble up within me again, I slammed the apartment door and moved quickly towards the elevator before I did anything I would regret later. I needed to get away from my useless father, and start heading towards the person I needed now more than ever.

–

I was used to people staring at me as I walked through the halls. It came the territory of being Mr. Popular, Team Captain, Golden Boy; names that I never even asked for in the first place. But this was different. This wasn't admiration. This was pity. And I couldn't stand it.

"Lucas! What are you doing here?"

Merritt appeared at my locker before I even had the chance to put in my combination.

"I needed to get back to normal. And strangely enough, high school is about as normal as I'm going to get right now," I swung my locker open, nearly missing the tip of Merritt's nose.

"Well, you missed a lovely assembly. We all talked about how much we loved Holden, and how we hoped he recovers soon. Marjorie Chen even mentioned the time he organized the clothing drive for-"

"Was this for the entire school, or just to make yourself feel better?" I snapped.

"What are you talking about?" She looked at me with furrowed brows, as if she was trying to assess how much I knew about her relationship with my brother.

"Nothing, I have to get to class," I grabbed my geography book, and slammed my locker door shut.

"Lucas, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine!" I yelled, as I headed down the hall, avoiding the curious stares of my classmates as I passed them at their lockers.

 _I really wish people would stop asking me that._

Riley was in study hall. I knew this because she had written her schedule on the inside copy of one of the books she lent me. I rounded the corner to make my way to the library. I could see her through the window. Her head was in a book, and her earbuds were in her ears, the rest of the world forgotten in her mind. I opened the library doors and everyone but Riley looked up.

"Mr. Friar, how is your brother?" Mr. Jameson, the P.E and study hall teacher, looked up from his comic book as I entered the library.

"No change, sir," I explained, already tired of repeating the same thing over and over again. "Mr. Jameson, may I have a word with Riley Matthews for a moment please? She's my tutor and I wanted to ask her a quick question about an assignment."

"Of course, take your time." I nodded gratefully, and headed over to Riley's table.

I sat down and waited for her to look up at me. It took her a full minute to realize that someone else was at the table with her. When her gaze met mine, she took the earbuds out of her ears and took a deep breath.

"Lucas," she breathed.

"It amazes me; the amount of concentration you have when it comes to reading a good book. Seriously, someone could be jumping up and down with flames coming out of their head right in front of you, and you wouldn't even look up."

"I don't think that's necessarily a good thing," she admitted, her voice low and sad.

Her eyes met mine, and everything else melted away. My brother was no longer in the hospital. My parents were no longer getting a divorce. I wasn't stuck in this life I hated. It was just Riley, and myself surrounded by what brought us together in the first place - books.

"Take a walk with me," I whispered.

"I can't, I'm in study hall," she glanced at Mr. Jameson, who was eating a banana and flipping through his comic book. He looked up and smiled widely at us.

"I think he's fine with it," I stood up, hoping she would follow. She did.

We headed towards the courtyard. I could tell she was nervous by the way she twisted her hands together and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"Lucas, I'm really sorry I left last night," she muttered to the ground.

"That's not important anymore, Riley," I touched her arm and she turned to look at me.

"No, it is important. You deserve someone who can be there for you when you're going through a tough time. And I clearly wasn't. And I know what I said in my text last night…"

"What text?"

Riley gave me a confused look, but shook her head quickly.

"It doesn't matter… I just realized that you and Merritt need each other. She can help you deal with what's happened to Holden in a way that I can't. So I'll be there to tutor you, like I told you I would. But I think that you need to focus on Holden getting better. And working on your relationship with Merritt."

I could have argued with her. And I normally would have, but I could see how important it was to her for this to be the way things were for now. I wanted her to be happy, and if this was the way to do it, then this would have to be how things were.

"Okay. Just as long as you're still my tutor. I don't think anyone could help me the way you have. I don't think anyone understands me the way you do," I stepped closer to touch her hand as we walked past the bushes and flowers that lined the edge of the courtyard.

She smiled sadly, and stopped in front of the statue in the center of the courtyard.

"I'm still your tutor," Riley turned on her heel to head back to the hallway that the library was on. "When I see you for our tutoring session tomorrow, I want you to tell me what Holden says to you when he wakes up."

I looked at her skeptically, and followed her to the door.

"How do you know he'll be up by tomorrow?"

She smiled, and opened the door to enter the school.

"Just a feeling." With that, she turned the corner to the library and I was left alone in the courtyard.

Not two seconds later did my phone buzz in my pocket. I looked down to read the text message that my mom sent and the world went silent for a moment. Three words. That's all it was. But they changed my world forever. I shoved my phone in my pocket and ran as fast as I could down the hall.


	11. Into the Minds of Strangers

**Chapter 11: Into the Minds of Strangers**

 **Riley**

It's a strange concept; walking into a stranger's home. It's like getting a sneak preview into their world before getting to know anything about them. It's also a dangerous concept; It leads you into assuming things about them that might not necessarily be true. Things that make you imagine the worst, or avoid thinking of the best. After that, it's up to you to decide what is real and what simply is not.

"This is where you live?" I stared up at the chandelier in the entryway of the Haynes' family apartment and tried not to let my mouth hang open. I was sure that everything in this one room cost more than our entire apartment and everything in it combined.

"Only on weeknights," Jensen joked, winking at me as he crossed the room to turn on the lights in the dining room.

"Oh my God, is that a coffee bar? You have a coffee bar in your apartment?" Now I was sure that I was drooling.

"We have an on-call barista who is usually here from 7am-11am on weekdays, but I can ask her to come in now if you want something. She can make you whatever you want," Jensen offered, already pulling out his phone to dial the barista's number.

"No, no, I'm okay. I'm just... Wow, you have an amazing apartment," I complimented him, taking in the state-of-the-art appliances and electronics. The entire place was put together so perfectly - too perfectly. It was like they wanted people to see how perfect their home was, to distract from what was buried beneath the surface.

"I'm afraid that I can't take credit for any of this, but I'll pass on the compliments to the parentals," Jensen ran a hand through his hair and took an annoyed breath. "This apartment is their pride and joy. Unlike their son, the royal screw-up," Jensen set his backpack on the table and removed his calculus book.

"I'm sure that's not true," I offered, starting to feel a little sorry for him. I looked around the apartment and saw dozens of pictures of Merritt and their parents, but very few of Jensen.

"Oh it is, but I won't bore you with the details," Jensen pulled out a dining room chair tucked neatly under the beautiful mahogany table and gestured for me to sit down. "Tell me Riley Matthews, what did you do with our dear friend Lucas Friar to make him so brilliant?"

I felt weird talking to Jensen about Lucas. He was practically a stranger, and Merritt's brother, it didn't feel right discussing my tutoring sessions with other students with him. Especially my tutoring sessions with Lucas.

"Oh, we just read books. I asked him questions. We talked about what we liked, what we didn't. Boring stuff like that," I muttered as I stared down at the table in front of us.

"Huh. Did you guys ever talk about other things?" He pressed, his voice sounding more urgent than before. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that I was in the middle of an interrogation. _If you're accusing me of something, just spit it_ out.

"Like what?"

"Lacrosse, his parents, my sister," he looked up at me and raised one of his eyebrows. "You know, stuff like that," Jensen picked up his pencil and started twirling it around with his fingers. He leaned back in his chair, and gave me a sly smile.

I squirmed in my seat, already uncomfortable with this conversation.

"Not really," I quickly opened the calculus book I borrowed from Mrs. Nelson at school, and flipped to the chapter that Jensen's class was working on. "Okay, so you're having trouble with linear functions, correct?"

Jensen was quiet for a moment as he leaned forward in his chair, clearly adjusting to the abrupt change of subject. He shook his head and scooted closer to me, so that we were side by side.

"Yeah, I just can't wrap my head around all those letters in the formula," he explained, pointing to one of the formulas in the book. "And what the hell is a slope?" He squinted his eyes, and pointed to something else on the page. I smiled up at him, and shook my head.

"What? Oh God, I'm a lost cause aren't I?"

"No, no, of course not! I don't believe in lost causes. You're in luck actually, I can do linear functions in my sleep, so you're in good hands," I glanced up at him. He was looking at me with a strange expression that I couldn't decipher.

"Ms. Matthews, the teacher who never lets any of her students slip through the cracks," he smiled that sly smile again. "I like that."

"Yeah, well, I have a good role model," I explained, referring to my father. "So, anyway let's get started!"

"Okay, you are way too excited about this," Jensen took in my eager expression and smiled to himself. "Do you really dream about calculus?" he teased.

"What? I like math, is that so weird?" I was letting myself smile now, finally starting to feel more at ease in this stranger's apartment.

"Uh, yeah it's a little strange. Now tell me, do you dream about limericks and sonnets too, or is it strictly a math thing?"

I nudged his arm, and he smirked and nudged me back a little harder. I scoffed, rose from my chair, and quickly shuffled over to the living room to grab a pillow from the couch. I held the pillow up, and Jensen shook his head.

"Don't you dare," he warned.

I launched the pillow forward, praying it didn't hit anything expensive, and it smacked him on the side of his face. He picked up the pillow and I backed up, already preparing for a battle.

"Oh, it's on now!" Jensen announced from the kitchen. He crossed the dining room and followed me to the entryway. I picked up the pillow from the bench near the front door and shielded myself from the oncoming pillow aimed at my head. I kicked the pillow out of the way, lunged forward before he was ready, and hit him square in the chest.

"Oh, is it on? Because it kinda feels like I'm competing against myself?" I taunted, crossing in front of him to head back towards the living room.

"Okay, I was going easy on you before, but here we go, no mercy," Jensen scooped up the pillow that I had kicked, and ran to catch up to me. I launched another pillow, but missed. He raised both eyebrows and smirked. I turned around to grab another pillow from the couch. As soon as I turned, Jensen's pillow flew from his hands and hit me square in the back. I stumbled forward and fell to the floor.

"I'm so sorry, Riley! Are you okay?" Jensen rushed to my side, and knelt down next to me. He rested one hand on my back and I looked up at him. He was genuinely concerned. I cracked a smile. And then I couldn't help it. I let the laughter take over until I could barely breathe.

"The look on your face," I giggled. "Priceless."

"Hey, that's not fair! I was really worried," Jensen cracked a smile too, and then joined me in the uncontrollable laughter.

There we were, the tutor and the lacrosse player, laughing like we had heard the funniest joke in the world. Laughing like we had known each other for longer than a day. Laughing like we were actually from the same universe. Just then, the front door swung open and Merritt emerged in the entryway. I saw the look on her face first, but it took Jensen a few seconds to realize that someone else was in the room. When I lightly touched his arm, he matched my gaze and saw his sister with tears streaming down her face. We both scrambled to stand on our feet.

"Merritt, what is it? Is it Holden?" Jensen asked, moving towards her. I stayed back, my heart beating a million miles a minute.

Merritt nodded, and swallowed hard, as if she was trying to find the words to tell us the state of Holden's condition.

"He... Holden is..." Merritt choked, unable to finish the sentence. I closed my eyes and looked down at the floor. _Lucas was going to be devastated._

"Holden is... Awake," Merritt took a deep breath, and cracked a small smile. Those weren't tears of grief; they were tears of relief.

"Merritt, that's amazing! Lucas and his mother must be so relieved," Jensen rubbed Merritt's shoulder, and led her over to the couch to sit down.

"Yes, they are. I just came from the hospital. Mrs. Friar is with Holden now," Merritt explained. She looked down at her hands. I could tell that something else was still bothering her, but I couldn't put my finger on what it was.

"Lucas hasn't gotten to see him yet?" I chimed in from the corner of the room. Both siblings looked up at me, as if they had forgotten I was even there.

"Um, no not yet. He was still in the waiting room when I left him," Merritt's brows were furrowed, her eyes full of confusion.

"Uh, Riley is my new tutor," Jensen quickly explained. "We were working on linear functions when you walked in."

"Funny, I didn't know math could be so... amusing," Merritt rose from the chair and walked over to the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water from the top shelf.

"So, I think we should celebrate," Jensen announced, quickly changing the subject. "And what better way to celebrate an awakening than with a party?"

"Jensen, I don't really think-"

"Oh come on Merritt, It'll be small... Well, small-ish. We'll invite all of Holden's friends. All of Lucas' friends. All of my friends..."

"Really, Jensen, that's your definition of small?" Merritt snapped.

"I'll set it up, you call Lucas, tell him to get over here as soon as he's seen his brother. It'll be great. 8pm!" Jensen was already heading to the back of the apartment, ready to start setting up the party. He stopped suddenly, and turned back to talk to me. "Oh, and you're coming too, right Riley?"

"Oh, I don't think-" I stammered, but Jensen cut me off.

"Great, see you back here and 8:00! We'll try tutoring again tomorrow. Holden is awake, life is good, let's PARTY!" Jensen yelled, as he disappeared into one of the rooms in the back.

I glanced over at Merritt and she rolled her eyes. I wanted to ask if she was okay, but thought better of it. I quickly put the pillows back where they had been before I had arrived, and headed back to the dining room to gather my belongings.

A party felt wrong. I knew that Lucas would be furious about it. He should be with his brother, not partying it up with the upper-east-side brats that had caused him trouble in the past. I shook my head, gathered my books, and stuffed them in my backpack. I had no intention of coming back to the Haynes' apartment that night as I exited through the front door and headed back home. I was going to work on my story for the NYU summer program and then head to bed early...

But then again, sometimes our intentions get changed. And we start doing things that we never thought we would do. All for someone we cared about.

* * *

There are moments in our lives where we see ourselves doing something that we shouldn't be doing, and we separate ourselves from the situation completely. We are no longer the ones doing that something; we are simply watching it from the outside, completely uninvolved. As I stepped through the apartment that I had left only hours before, it was not my foot stepping over the threshold. It was someone else's, a stranger's, and I was simply watching her from somewhere in the corner.

"Wow, this party is great!" Maya exclaimed from beside me. We were standing in the doorway, staring with wide eyes as we watched our classmates and people we had never even seen before, dance and down drinks like they didn't have a care in the world.

"Yeah, great," I muttered, already feeling uncomfortable. "Thanks for coming with me Maya. I didn't really want to come alone."

"Of course! It beats staying at home working on trig homework," Maya left my side to enter the crowd in front of us. "I'm gonna go dance, you coming?"

"In a sec," I yelled after her, but she had already been swallowed up by the crowd.

 _What was I doing here?_

"Riley, you made it!" Jensen appeared from somewhere in the living room, drink in hand, already completely hammered.

"Uh, yeah!" I yelled over the music. I tried to navigate my way towards him, but I could barely move, there were so many people. Luckily, he found his way around the crowd easily and met me at the door.

 _So much for a "small-ish" party, Jensen._

"Here, you need to catch up!" Jensen offered me the red cup he was holding. It was full of some brown-colored liquid that I couldn't even begin to identify. I scrunched my nose and shook my head.

"No thanks," I lightly pushed the cup away and Jensen shrugged.

"Suit yourself!" Jensen took a sip from the cup and led me into the apartment with his other hand.

"Is Lucas here yet?" I was practically screaming, the music was so loud.

"No, but Merritt said that they were on their way! It was a lot more difficult to get him here than anticipated," Jensen explained as he looked around the apartment for someone.

I nodded and awkwardly played with the strap on my purse, wondering what on earth possessed me to come here tonight.

"Here, come put your purse in my room!" Jensen was already leading me towards the back of the apartment.

"No, it's okay," I shook my head, but Jensen insisted.

"Come on, Riley, it'll be safe there I promise!" Jensen winked, and I cracked a smile.

I knew it was silly, but I felt strange going back to his bedroom while we were alone. I barely knew this guy, and despite how well we got along today, I still wasn't entirely comfortable around him, and I couldn't put my finger on why.

"So, you can just set it there on my bed," he gestured for me to enter the room and I scooted by him.

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"I'll see you back in there okay? No escaping through the window. Well, we're on the 12th floor anyway. That wouldn't end well," Jensen smirked, and turned to head back into the party. "Oh and feel free to snoop. I've got nothing to hide."

I set my purse on Jensen's bed, and turned back towards the door, with every intention of leaving. But, like I said before, intentions can change. The pictures on his dresser caught my eye, so I crossed his large bedroom to get a closer look. There were a few of Jensen and Merritt on various family vacations, one or two of Jensen and his lacrosse team, and then there was one that made me remove it from the dresser to examine it even closer. Jensen and Lucas stared up at me in their lacrosse jerseys, their arms around each other's shoulders, big smiles on their faces. It never occurred to me that they were friends once, let alone teammates. I flipped it over. There was a date - January 17th of last year. Why did that date sound so familiar? I shook my head, and set the picture back where I had found it. As I turned to leave Jensen's bedroom, something else caught my eye. A newspaper article pinned to the wall closest to the bedroom door.

The headline read: **_'Teenage Girl Drowns in Pool at Lacrosse After Party' - January 17th_**

Now I remembered. That was the night the lacrosse team won the state championships. That was the night Jessica Evans died at the after party. And that was the night Jensen Haynes got expelled from our high school. Everyone was saying that he was responsible somehow, but no one had proof, other than he was drunk out of his mind. But why would he have this on his wall as a reminder of that night?

"Where did you get that?" I spun around quickly to see Lucas standing in the doorway, a grim expression on his face.

"Lucas, y-you scared me," I stuttered, my heart beating hard in my chest. "I-I found it on the wall."

Lucas crossed the room to stand next to me and ripped the newspaper off of the wall. He crumpled up the paper and stuffed it in his pocket.

"Don't read that," Lucas' voice was harsh, so unlike his normal tone. "Don't you ever read anything about that night, okay?"

I nodded quickly, starting to feel a little afraid. Believe it or not, I just wanted to get back to the party.

"Sorry, Riley," Lucas' voice was back to normal now. "It's just... a terrible memory."

"It's okay, I understand," I assured him in almost a whisper. "Let's just go back to the party."

Lucas nodded, as he put one hand on my shoulder to lead me back to the living room. I didn't mean to do this, I swear that I didn't but, as his hand made contact with my body, I flinched. Whether it was out of fear, or uncertainty or that I was simply just cold, I wasn't sure. But one thing was for certain - I had a lot of questions.

Was Lucas hiding something about that night? Was that the secret those guys in the alleyway were warning me about? And the biggest one of all - could I trust Lucas? To be honest, I wasn't sure if I wanted to know the answers.


	12. Guilty Minds

**Chapter 12: Guilty Minds**

 **Lucas**

I wanted to go inside. I wanted to see him. Talk to him. Tell him that I forgave him for whatever he's done in the past. Tell him that I was glad he was okay. Tell him that I was lucky to have him as my brother. But instead I just stood in the lobby watching the sliding doors open and close, open and close, until Merritt appeared in front of me, breaking me from the trance I had been in for the past hour.

"Weren't you just here?" I asked, not unkindly. Her makeup looked different than it had only hours before and she had on a much-too-expensive dress for a grimy hospital lobby.

"Yeah, I thought I'd check in again. See if you've gone in to see him yet," Merritt came over to sit next to me and I straightened up, weary of her seeing me looking so crumpled and distraught.

"Well, the answer hasn't changed in the two hours since you were here last," I massaged my temples with my fingers. I was tired in every way imaginable, but right now, I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink. Not until everything was resolved.

"I'm actually here for a different reason," Merritt confessed. "My brother, the idiot jock that he is, decided that the best way to celebrate Holden's awakening was to throw a party. So I'm here to convince you to come."

I scoffed, and leaned back in my chair, unable to believe the absurd words coming out of her mouth.

"You're kidding right? A party? I know he's slow and all, but how could he possibly think that I would want to go to a party right now?"

"I know, I know, but Lucas, you need to get your mind off of everything. See your friends, have a drink or two. Unless you want to go home and rest, which I completely understand…" Merritt's gaze fell to her hands, and then back up to meet my eyes.

"No, I wouldn't be able to sleep," I furrowed my brows and shook my head quickly.

"Okay, then. So why don't you go in to see your brother, and then we head over to the party? We won't stay long, thirty, forty-five minutes tops," she turned in her seat, and hesitantly placed her hand over mine.

There was no way I was going to that party. It was ridiculous. It was completely inappropriate. Disrespectful even. And -

"Riley Matthews was over at my place earlier, tutoring Jensen, when he came up with the idea for the party. She said she was coming, along with lots of-" Merritt began to explain, but I cut her off.

"Riley… Riley is tutoring Jensen?" I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy rise up within me. I had no right to feel this way, and yet…

"Apparently, so. Guess you weren't as special as you thought," she removed her hand from mine and tucked a piece of hair behind her ears.

I was quiet for a moment as I let the anger boiling up within the pit of my stomach simmer down. Jensen was dangerous in so many ways. He was manipulative. He was hot-headed. Vindictive. But he was also a charmer. And he would do whatever it took to get what he wanted. He would do whatever it took to get to me. I couldn't let Riley be used by Jensen Haynes just so he could settle his ridiculous agenda with me.

"Fine, let's go," I stood up and grabbed by jacket from the empty chair next to me. "Forty-five minutes, then I come back to the hospital."

"Don't you want to see Holden first?" Merritt stood up quickly, but I was already halfway out the door.

"I… I can't. Not yet," I admitted, looking down at the ground. I felt guilty for avoiding my brother, but it was better this way. I could clear my head. Think of what I was going to say to him. Plus I needed to see Riley and stop Jensen from doing whatever he was doing with her to get to me.

"Okay, let's go," Merritt met me at the door, and we headed to her apartment. The last time I had been to a party like this… my life changed forever. I had to make sure that nothing like that would ever happen again. I had to make sure nothing like what happened to Jessica Evans happened to Riley. And that is why I had to go to this party tonight instead of talking to my brother.

–

I could hear the music coming from the Haynes' apartment before we even stepped out of the elevator.

"Don't your neighbors ever complain about the noise?" I asked Merritt as we headed for the apartment's front entrance.

"My dad paid them off to keep the complaints at bay," Merritt explained, very matter-of-factly.

"Of course he did," I muttered under my breath as Merritt pushed open the door.

As the door swung open, I couldn't help but feel a sense of deja-vu wash over me. The sights and sounds were all too familiar. They were a bad memory rising to the surface that I couldn't push back down.

"Lucas!" Zay ran up to us, and I immediately felt more at ease. "Hey man, how's Holden doing?"

Merritt quickly left my side as she spotted a group of her friends standing by the kitchen counter, without saying a word to Zay or myself.

"He's awake, which is apparently why we're all here right now," I gestured to our classmates dancing without a care in the world. They weren't here for Holden. They were here to have fun and forget their own problems. And who was I to blame them for that?

"Have you seen him? What did he say?" Zay pressed.

"I haven't gone in to talk to him yet," I scratched the back of my head uncomfortably. "Hey, have you seen Riley Matthews here?"

"Riley Matthews? Why do you-"

"I'll explain later, man. Just - have you seen her?"

"I think I saw her heading towards the back with Jensen about 10 minutes ago," Zay explained. The jealous pang I had felt in the pit of my stomach earlier was back, and I wasn't sure if I could suppress it this time.

"I have to go," I muttered, already headed to the back, where I knew Jensen's bedroom was located.

The Haynes' apartment had two floors. Jensen picked the one bedroom on the bottom floor for two reasons - it was easier for him to sneak out late at night while his parents were sound asleep on the second floor. And it was easier to sneak girls in as well. His room was at the end of the hall, and as I approached it, I saw that the door was cracked. The hallway was dark, except for the soft beam of light pouring in from the lamp on his bedside table. As I approached the door, I could see Riley standing by the far wall, staring at something pinned to it. Jensen was nowhere to be found. Thank god. As I stepped closer, the item she was staring at came into view and my blood ran cold. She knew. She knew about that night and now I was going to lose her forever.

"Where did you get that?" As I asked Riley about the newspaper, I was vaguely aware that my voice did not sound like my own. I had transformed into the defensive, angry person that I had worked so hard to get away from this past year.

"Let's just go back to the party," Riley suggested, after I had apologized for acting so strange. I nodded and we filed back into the party, the noise returning as soon as I opened the door.

"So, you and Jensen huh?" I began, as we settled into a quiet spot in the corner of the living room. Riley took a sip from her water bottle and crossed one leg over the other.

"What?" I raised my eyebrows at her, and she practically spit out her water. "What, no! I'm just tutoring him!"

"I know Riley, that's what I meant," I couldn't help but smile at her shocked expression.

"Oh. I knew that," Riley's cheeks blushed and she fidgeted in her seat.

"Riley, you need to be careful. Jensen… He's a bad guy," I warned, inching closer to her on the couch so that our knees knocked together.

"I don't believe that. Sure, he's gotten into some trouble in the past. But I recall someone else who recently informed me that he had done things in his past that he wasn't proud of either. I believed in him. I still do. Why can't I believe in Jensen too?"

"I just don't want you to get hurt," I turned my body to face Riley's, so that we were looking at each other head on.

"Get hurt? Lucas, I'm just tutoring him. How could he possibly hurt me?"

"Look, he knows that you're my tutor. Or that you used to be. And I have done things in that past life that you were just talking about that made him really angry with me. He would do anything to get to me, and that includes using you to mess with me," I sputtered out quickly, hoping that I was making any sort of sense.

"Wait, I'm sorry. You think the only reason that Jensen asked me to tutor him was to mess with you in some way?" Riley furrowed her eyebrows and I could see the anger rising up in her eyes.

"Well, no not just to mess with me…"

"Then what Lucas? Is it so weird to think that Jensen might want me to tutor him because he thinks I'm smart and that I could really help him?"

"Of course it's not weird, but-"

"And why would him tutoring me bother you exactly? How would that be the thing that would hurt you the most?"

 _Oh boy._

"It's complicated, Riley," I dodged the question, hoping that would be enough of an answer for her. It wasn't.

"I have to go," she stood up quickly, and I grabbed her arm before she could storm away.

"Riley, wait, please let me explain!"

"No, I think you've done enough explaining for one night Lucas," she snapped, wiggling her arm free from my grip and turning to walk away.

I had to tell her. I had to tell her how I felt about her. I needed to start expressing how I felt, and I had to start with Riley. I couldn't do that with Merritt. Or my parents. Or Holden. But I needed to be able to do that with her.

"Because I care about you more than I've cared about anyone in a long time," I blurted out, and Riley slowly turned her head to look me in the eyes. "I care about you as more than just a friend… I like you Riley. And I think Jensen's figured that out somehow. He's going to use it against me and he's going to use it to hurt you. And I can't let that happen."

"You know, I really hope that's not true because then you'd be just as bad as Merritt and Holden or even your parents. I hope that's not true because you would be the biggest hypocrite I have ever met in my entire life. And you would be a complete stranger to me," Riley spun on her heel and disappeared into the crowd of dancing partygoers.

I sat back down and rested my head in my hands, feeling defeated. I thought that telling Riley the truth about my feelings for her would make things better, but somehow they made them even worse. She had been mad at me before, but this felt different somehow. It felt like I had almost lost her for good.

"Well, well. Lucas Friar, moping at his own brother's awakening party. I would say that I was surprised, but this is pretty typical for you nowadays isn't it?" Jensen appeared from somewhere behind me and I stood up quickly.

"Jensen, what the hell are you doing with Riley?" My heart was racing, and my fists were already starting to clench, ready to take my anger out on the person who had caused it in the first place.

"She's my new tutor. She's really quite good actually. Granted we only had one session. One that got interrupted. But something tells me she's going to be very… helpful," his lips pulled up into a sly smile and I lunged forward to grab either side of his shirt in my hands.

"Careful, Lucas. By the looks of that argument that you and Riley just had, my word is going to mean so much more to her than yours will right now. Wouldn't want to tell her what happened with the party bus. And the river. And Jessica Evans," Jensen threatened. I had him pinned against the wall, behind the stairs so no one could see us.

"That was as much your fault as it was mine," my voice was low and angry.

"Oh, is that what you tell yourself to ease the guilt? Because we both know what happened that night Lucas. We both know that Jessica was your responsibility. And we both know that you killed her."

I couldn't hold it in anymore. I pushed Jensen back towards the party and tackled him to the ground. My fist met his jaw, and I could hear the gasps of everyone around me. Jensen pushed me off him and threw a punch right in my stomach, making me double over in pain.

"You know, Riley's pretty great. Despite what you think, I'm not doing this to hurt her. I'm doing this to hurt you," Jensen whispered in my ear. I quickly spun him around by his arm and threw his body onto the coffee table. It collapsed underneath his weight, and the room went silent.

"There you go Lucas! Show everyone who you really are!" Jensen shouted, pushing me off of him and standing to his feet.

I scanned the room to see shocked expressions all around me. Some were disappointed. Some were impressed. Some were annoyed that we had interrupted the party with our outburst. And then there was Riley's. Any hope I had of proving to her that I _was_ the person she had gotten to know these past few months was completely gone. I had shown her a side to myself that I didn't think was there anymore. And I could see all of that written in her expression. I was no longer Mr. Perfect. I was no longer Golden Boy. And I was no longer the Lucas Friar who people looked up to. This is what Jensen had wanted. And he had won.


	13. Explosions Aren't Dangerous

**Chapter 13: Explosions Aren't Dangerous**

 **Riley**

I was listening to one of those songs - you know, the ones you listen to late at night when the world has stopped moving. When there is silence all around you, except for that one song playing soft and melodic in the background. The ones that make you think of infinite universes and destinies and things way beyond your years. The ones that help fill the void in your heart that has been missing for years or months or even minutes. I was sitting at the bay window, listening to that song, and wondering how I could have been such a fool when I heard a tap on my window.

"Ow," Maya muttered as she crawled through the window and plopped next to me on the bench. "It is a lot harder to crawl through that thing than you might think."

"I bet," I smiled sadly, and averted my gaze back to the street outside my window. "I thought you went home?"

"Well, I was headed there until I realized how strange you were acting after we left the party," Maya glanced over at the record player on my dresser and headed over to investigate. "Oh no. You only listen to Daughter when you're sad. This is your sad music. Riley, tell me what's been going on."

"It's not sad, it's melancholy and slow and beautiful, which is what I need right now," I explained, pulling my knees up to my chin and resting my head, feeling extremely tired.

"And why is that?" Maya raised her eyebrows expectantly, ready for me to tell her what had been going on these past few weeks.

"It's a long story," I warned her, hoping that would lessen her interest in hearing what I had to say.

"Then you're in luck, because I am not the slightest bit tired. It's the weekend. And I'm spending the night. Now, tell me what's been happening with Lucas Friar and that hot prep school guy who totally has a thing for you," Maya kicked off her shoes, and hopped onto my bed, settling in comfortably to hear my long explanation.

"First of all, Jensen Haynes does not have a thing for me. I'm just his tutor," I explained, walking over to my bed to sit in front of Maya.

"Wait, Haynes? As in Merritt Haynes?" Maya furrowed her brows in confusion and turned her body to face mine.

"Yep, he's her brother."

"Oh no, Riley. You cannot tutor Merritt Haynes' brother!" Maya exclaimed, throwing her arms in the air for emphasis.

"Why not?"

"Because that whole family is insane. They're all creepily good at covering up the truth. My mom worked at this agency a while back, one that Mr. Haynes' owned, and she said that there were a lot of shady things happening there that he was a part of that would just mysteriously be forgotten about the next day and no one ever mentioned them again," Maya released her long blonde hair from the bun she had it in and it fell onto her shoulders in waves.

"Maya, that doesn't mean Jensen is like his father. If we were all like our parents the world would be a scary place," I pointed out.

"Says the girl with the two most perfect parents in the entire world," Maya gave me a knowing look and I lightly kicked her leg.

"That's not the point. The point is that... Underneath all the parties and the secrets and the bad reputation, I think that Jensen Haynes is a good guy," I declared, trying to convince her that the perception she had of him was not a valid one.

 _Or maybe I was just trying to convince myself._

"Whatever you say," Maya muttered skeptically. "And Lucas? What were you two talking about before the fight to end all fights? I saw the way he was looking at you. That look was not platonic. Spill."

"It doesn't matter. I realized tonight that it was wrong of me to think that I knew who Lucas Friar was. There's so much I don't know about him. And I'm not so sure that I want to know anymore," I confessed, picking up a throw pillow and hugging it close to my body.

"Riley, Lucas Friar is a good guy. He always has been. I remember when you used to go to his lacrosse practices after school. You would just sit and watch him for hours," Maya smiled, and I threw the pillow at her head.

"Hey, you swore you would never speak of that again!"

"And I never did. Until now," Maya smirked and punched my arm playfully. "Anyway, I remember you saying to me, 'It's like I'm watching an apparition - he doesn't seem real, but I know he's there, right in front of me.' And then after you got to know him, the apparition was gone. He became real to you and you could finally say that you truly knew Lucas Friar."

"There are a lot of things he's done that I don't know about Maya. How can I truly know him if I don't know about those things?"

I knew that if I was giving Jensen Haynes the benefit of the doubt, I should do the same for Lucas. But the truth was that I was scared. And I wasn't even entirely sure why.

"You believe in the person you've gotten to know. You trust that he's always been that guy deep down. And you give him a chance to prove that to you."

"I don't know if I'm ready for that yet," I admitted.

"That's okay, just give it time. Because if he knows what's good for him, he'll wait for you," Maya held her fist in the air and shook it in front of me with a menacing look on her face. I laughed, and lowered her fist to take her hand in mine.

"Thanks, Maya. I really needed to hear that."

"What are friends for?" Maya squeezed my hand and jumped off the bed. "See, now wasn't that so much better than moping around your bay window listening to sad songs?"

"Maybe," I smirked, swinging my legs off the edge of the bed.

"You know what we need?"

"Less depressing music?" I offered, following behind her as she headed towards the door.

"No. Well, yes. But I'm talking about your brother's stash of Halloween candy he keeps in a pillowcase in the hall closet that he thinks no one knows about."

"How do _you_ know about it?" I raised my eyebrows at her and she smirked.

"I have my ways." With that, Maya snuck into the hallway to pick out a few pieces of candy from Auggie's hiding place.

I knew what Maya said was true. I knew that I needed to give Lucas a chance to prove to me that he's worth all of this... chaos. But I couldn't. Not yet. I needed to remember who I was before I got sucked into Lucas Friar's world. It was easy to forget that I had a life before I met him, but I knew now that to trust Lucas again, I needed to get back to my own world for a while. And that was okay.

* * *

I forgot how much I loved the way the world looked behind a pen and a piece of paper. As I sat in the park near my apartment, I took in the way the air smelled of honeysuckle and how the children playing nearby laughed with such an innocence that was so easily forgotten if you weren't paying attention. I watched and I listened and I wrote it all down. And I loved every second of it. I was so enthralled in my writing that I didn't notice a figure standing over me, casting a shadow over my notebook.

"Now, if I had that much concentration when it came to school, I wouldn't need you to tutor me in the first place," Jensen stood over me, his hands in his jacket pocket and his sly smile beaming across his face.

"Jensen, what are you... Is it 5:30 already?" I set my notebook on the bench and searched for my phone, wondering how I let time slip by so quickly.

"Did you forget that there was an actual world moving around you?" Jensen joked, taking a seat next to me on the bench.

"I kind of did," I nodded in amazement at my own ability to block out the rest of the world and Jensen let out a low, hearty laugh.

"Well, I am here to bring you back to reality. And unfortunately that means calculus," Jensen set his backpack in front of him and unzipped it to remove his book.

"Hey, Jensen? What was that about last night? With you and Lucas I mean?" I asked cautiously, afraid to step somewhere I didn't belong.

"It was about you," Jensen looked up at me, his expression serious. When he saw the panic on my face, he broke into laughter. "I'm just kidding, Riley. Lucas and I have a long and complicated history and last night a few of our old demons came back to haunt us that were just too much for us to handle. He broke. Then I broke. Then we broke the coffee table."

"Are you okay?" He looked at me then, surprise and confusion written in his eyes. I could tell that he wasn't used to people asking about him. He may have been wealthy and popular, but no one ever asked him how his day was going or why he was feeling upset or hurt.

"Come on Riley, I'm on the lacrosse team. I can handle a few punches. I mean, trust me, I've had worse," Jensen placed the book on his lap and turned to face me.

"Why does that not make me feel any better?"

"What can I say? I'm trouble, Riley Matthews. Trouble tends to follow me wherever I go. And it never ends well," Jensen declared, the corner of his mouth lifting up into that classic smirk. I knew that he didn't mean for it to sound like a warning, but part of me knew that it was.

And that should have been my cue to run far away from him. That should have told me that I had no business being around him. But I couldn't help it. I wanted to give Jensen a chance. Part of me felt guilty that I wanted to give him a chance and not Lucas. And another part of me didn't care. I had given him a chance before and he blew it more that once. Maybe Jensen wouldn't.

"I think you're more than that. I just think you haven't had the chance to prove it to anyone yet," I confessed, looking him directly in the eyes.

"And you think I can prove it to you?"

"Yes, I do," I admitted, confident that I was telling him the truth. I placed my hand on top of his to prove to him that I was sincere.

Jensen Haynes was a ticking time bomb, waiting for someone to hit the trigger and watch him explode. A sane person would run in the opposite direction. They would fear getting hit with the after effects of the explosion. But I wasn't afraid. I was intrigued. And if he was going to explode, I didn't mind being around him when he did.

Before I knew what was happening. Before I could take a breath or give him a reason to stop, Jensen was leaning in close, placing a hand on my cheek, and touching his lips to mine. The sun was setting, leaving a golden trail of light shining through the trees and all I could think about in that moment was that this would be the perfect thing to write about. And that's when everything became clear. I pulled back quickly and grabbed my notebook and tote bag from beside me on the bench.

"I have to go," I announced, standing up and flinging my bag over my shoulder.

"Riley-" Jensen stepped forward, but I backed away before he could reach me.

"No, it's okay. But, I have to go!" I started walking backwards, as I took in Jensen's confused expression. "I'll text you later! Study your differential equations!" I ran in the opposite direction towards my apartment, without looking back.

 _This was so complicated._

I knew what I felt for Lucas - what I've felt for him for almost a year, but I also knew how angry I was with him for not telling me the truth about his past. For letting me think that I knew who he was, before finding out that he was someone else entirely. Jensen may have done things in his past too, but he hasn't pretended to be someone else with me. Maybe Jensen was who I needed to be with right now. And maybe it was time to let Lucas, or the idea I've had of him for so long, go.


	14. Unspoken Revelations

**Chapter 14: Unspoken Revelations**

 **Lucas**

Anger is a dangerous emotion. Not because of the things it can cause you to do, but because of what it can change on the inside. Anger causes you to morph into a version of yourself that you didn't think could ever exist. It causes you to become someone else entirely - a stranger who is part of you forever. Someone you don't recognize. And that is exactly who I became at Jensen's party the other night.

"Lucas, you okay, man?" I looked up from the countertop I was staring at to see Zay standing in front of me with a fresh bag of peas in his hands.

"I could be better," I mumbled, removing the bag I was already pressing gently on my eye, and replacing it with the new one.

"Dude, what got into you last night? It was like I didn't even recognize you," Zay sat in the stool next to me and leaned against the counter.

"Trust me, Zay, I didn't recognize myself," I sighed, and swiveled the stool so that my entire body was facing Zay. "It's Jensen. He's pretty much blackmailing me, if you could call it that."

"Okay, now you _have_ to tell me what's going on," Zay lightly hit my shoulder, clearly intrigued with the impending story.

"The easiest way I can explain it all is - do you remember the party after the championship game last year?"

"How could I forget it?" Zay shook his head solemnly. "It was the day our entire school will remember forever."

"Well, we were all pretty far gone that night," I gave Zay a knowing look and he nodded, as if he understood. "There's a lot of it that's still a little hazy to me, but my memory has been coming back in sporadic fragments for the past few months... And back in March, a few weeks after it had happened, there was something that came back to me that I approached Jensen about... And it didn't go well."

 **5 Months Ago**

 _"Lucas Friar. To what do I owe the pleasure?" Jensen greeted me as I lightly tapped on his bedroom door. Merritt was upstairs working on a new dance routine for dance team tryouts when I decided to sneak down to Jensen's room._

 _"Jensen, you were pretty close with Jessica Evans... Do you remember anything about what happened to her that night?"_

 _"You're starting to remember," Jensen stood up from his computer chair and crossed the room to meet me in the doorway._

 _"I- It's still a little foggy, but I think... I think that I was there... When it happened," I explained, furrowing my brows together and glancing up at Jensen. "And so were you."_

 _"Lucas, if I tell you what happened... You're never going to be the same again," Jensen explained. His tone had a hint of warning to it that made me feel uneasy, but I brushed it off quickly._

 _"I need to know. It's been eating me up ever since it happened, and I can't take it anymore," I looked up at Jensen with desperation in my eyes. "Please."_

 _Jensen paused for a moment, as if he was analyzing my expression to determine if I could handle the truth or not._

 _"After we took the bus on that joyride, we ended up at the lake behind Jessica's house," Jensen explained, leading me over to his bed and gesturing for me to sit down. "She had already had one too many, but she kept asking for more. We didn't have anything left on the bus, just the one that you were holding in your hand. Jessica reached for it, but you didn't want to give it to her."_

 _My heart started beating fast in my chest and Jensen closed his eyes as he gathered his words to finish his explanation._

 _"Anyway, you two were walking on the rocks near the shoreline. They were slippery and it was dark... She kept reaching for you, you kept pulling away. And when she finally grabbed the beer, something inside you must have snapped," Jensen looked me straight in the eyes and took a deep breath. "You pushed her, man. You pushed her and she fell back onto the rocks. You were so shocked that you backed away and wouldn't help her. I lunged for her, I tried to do whatever I could, but it was too late. She was gone."_

 _I couldn't move - couldn't breathe. I could barely comprehend what Jensen was saying. I couldn't believe it. I was the reason Jessica Evans wasn't alive anymore._

 _"No," I muttered, unable to think of anything more coherent to say._

 _"You're responsible for Jessica, Lucas, and it's time that you own up to it," Jensen's expression was grave, and I swallowed hard._

 _"I can't, Jensen. My parents can't handle that kind of stress right now - that kind of disappointment," I was on the verge of breaking down completely, and it took every ounce of strength I had left in me not to._

 _"I think we can arrange some sort of deal," Jensen nodded and patted me on the back. "I'm already a disappointment to my parents, so me taking the fall for this would just be another one of the mistakes that they can add to their pile. I tell them that it was my fault - I provided the beer, we were all drunk, and it was an accident. She slipped and fell. Simple as that. I take the fall, you go on being Golden Boy Friar."_

 _"I can't ask you to do that for me, Jensen. I'm responsible for this!"_

 _"I'm just as responsible as you, Lucas," Jensen frowned, glancing down at his hands. "Besides, they'll just send me to a private school for rich delinquents. It was only a matter of time. I'll fit right in."_

 _"How could I ever repay you for something like that?" I was completely dumbfounded - shocked that he would do something like that for someone he didn't even like that much._

 _"Simple," Jensen rose from the bed and headed over to his dresser. "No matter what happens, you stay with my sister. No breaking up with her, no dating other girls, she's your one and only. You got it?"_

 _"Jensen, why do you care if -?" I began to ask, but Jensen cut me off abruptly._

 _"Do we have a deal?" Jensen stuck out his hand, looking at me expectantly._

 _What Jensen was offering could cost him everything. It could be the tip of the iceberg for his parents and they could kick him out once and for all. But he didn't care. He was willing to admit to doing something terrible that I was responsible for. This deal was a no-brainer._

 _"We have a deal," I agreed, taking Jensen's hand and shaking it firmly._

In the back of my mind, I knew that I had made a deal with the devil. And I knew that it would come back to bite me in a big way. What I didn't take into consideration in that moment, was how it was going to effect the other people in my life in ways that I didn't think were possible.

* * *

"Dude..." Zay's eyes widened as he shook is head in awe.

"I know," I nodded solemnly. "But here's the thing - I remembered something else last night. Right after I tackled Jensen into the coffee table."

I paused for a moment to adjust the frozen peas, and took a second to collect my thoughts.

"You gonna leave me hanging here or what?" Zay nudged my arm lightly and I took a deep breath.

"I think Jensen was lying," I admitted, confident that I was right about this.

"Wait - so you _don't_ think you were there when Jessica slipped and fell?" Zay furrowed his eyebrows together, confusion written in his expression.

"No, I was there. And I was still responsible for what happened in some way, but I wasn't the one on the rocks with her. It was Jensen," I hopped off of my stool to get a glass from one of the cabinets in Zay's kitchen.

"But why would Jensen push Jessica Evans? Weren't they dating?"

"Why do guys like Jensen do _anything_?" I asked, but Zay shook his head, unable to answer me. "To gain something from someone - or some _where_ else. Somewhere like Dalton Academy. "

"You think he pushed Jessica to get kicked out of our school so that he would get sent Dalton?"

"I can't really explain it, but yeah, I think that's part of it," I walked over to the sink and turned on the water to fill up my glass. "But I'm going to do whatever I can to figure out the rest."

Zay watched me take a sip from my glass of water and narrowed his eyes at me.

"That's why you don't want him hanging around Riley Matthews," Zay pointed his finger at me and I stopped mid-sip to raise my eyebrows.

"What are you talking about?"

"You think he's dangerous, and you're trying to protect her," Zay stepped off the stool to meet me in front of the sink.

"Zay, stop talking, you sound crazy," I avoided meeting his eyes, and headed over to the dining room table to sit down.

"And you want to protect her because you like her!"

"I don't just like her, man," I sighed, tired of lying to everyone. Tired of lying to Zay and Riley and myself. It was time to admit the truth. "I'm in love with her."

"Whoa," Zay sat in the chair next to me. "Did not see that coming."

"I'm in love with her," I repeated, shocked that I had just admitted that to myself. "I can't let her end up with him."

"And by "him" you mean Jensen? Hence the broken coffee table in the Haynes' living room?"

"I have to get to her before it's too late!" I stood up and grabbed my jacket from the empty chair next to me.

"Well, go on! Go tell her, man!" Zay encouraged, slapping his hand on my back as I walked past him to get to the front door.

"Thanks for listening, Zay," I smiled at him gratefully and he nodded as I headed out the door and ran down the hallway to find Riley.

* * *

I stopped by Topanga's Bakery first, but her mother said that Riley was writing in the park and wouldn't be back until later that evening. I headed there as soon as the words left Mrs. Matthews' mouth, rushing through the doors as fast as I could. My head was swimming with so many thoughts - so many emotions. I knew that Riley probably hated me, but I had to convince her that I was exactly the guy that she had always known. That I was someone she could trust, and be proud of when she said that she knew me.

I entered the park, my eyes roaming the faces of various joggers and dog walkers. I couldn't find her, until I realized that Riley wouldn't be out in the open when she was trying to find inspiration to write a good story. She would find a quiet, secluded spot where she could still watch and observe the world from afar, but not be distracted by everything happening around her. I suddenly remembered that she had taken me to this old bench for one of our tutoring sessions once. It was chipped and faded, and much more run-down than the rest of the benches in the park.

 _"Why are we sitting on this ratty old bench, Riley? There's a brand new one right over there that doesn't have questionable stains on the wood," I asked her one afternoon._

 _"Because this bench has been here much longer than the other benches, Lucas. It's seen so many important life moments - proposals, break-ups, people getting their first jobs. It's been through rain and snow and the changing seasons. We could learn a lot from sitting on this bench."_

 _"It's jut a bench," I informed her, and she smiled at me warmly._

 _"Nothing is just its name, Lucas," she flipped open her English book and turned to look at me. "If I didn't believe that, I wouldn't be a very good writer, now would I?"_

I sprinted to the back of the park where the bench was located, running through what I was going to say to her in my head. I knew that I would have to tell her everything, and that was okay. I trusted her. And I trusted that she would be able to believe me when I told her that everything that happened with Jessica and Jensen and that entire night was an accident - one that I wished that I could go back and change. But more importantly I had to tell her that I loved -

As I approached the bench, everything stopped moving around me. The joggers stopped jogging. The dog walkers and their dogs froze in front of me. Riley was sitting on her bench, but she wasn't alone. Jensen was with her, and they were locked in a kiss. It wasn't a 'nothing' kiss either. It was one that silenced everything around you and made your head spin. And it meant something to Riley. Before either of them could spot me, I turned in the opposite direction and headed back the way I came in.

I was too late. Jensen had gotten to her and if I did anything now, I would just look like the jealous jerk trying to ruin her happiness. But I wasn't going to give up. I had to find out why Jensen lied to me about the night of the lacrosse party last year. I needed to figure out what Jensen was hiding, and why he wanted to be kicked out of our school so badly. And I had to protect Riley from him in whatever way I could.


	15. Lost Souls

Chapter 15: Lost Souls

Riley

My entire life up until this point, I had known the exact path I would take for everything that was thrown my way. I had known who my friends were, what I wanted to be when I grew up, that my parents loved me unconditionally, what I believed in - and what I didn't. But somehow, be it fate or destiny or a random string of coincidences, I had taken the wrong path somewhere. And now I was lost - signs pointing in every direction, causing me to stray from the path I would have normally taken. The questions was - would I ever find my way back?

When I arrived at school that next Monday, things had gone from confusing, to complicated, to just plain bad. It was homecoming week, which basically meant I was in my own level of personal hell. I stood in the background as Lucas and Merritt hung posters and passed out gourmet cupcakes in their campaign to win homecoming king and queen. I watched him stare in my direction when he was supposed to be staring at Merritt. And on top of it all, I tried as best I could to forget how Jensen's lips felt on mine by avoiding his dozens of calls and text messages. I didn't know what to do or where to go from here. And it was only getting worse.

"Ah, homecoming," Maya sighed as she approached Farkle and me sitting on the half wall in front of our high school. "Where kids like us get to watch the popular kids live their dream lives, while we must simply exist in the middle of it all."

"Maya, don't play the 'my life sucks because I'm not popular' card, you're better than that," Farkle reminded her, and Maya rolled her eyes.

"I'm really not," Maya smirked, pulling out a bag of chips from her backpack. "But, I'm perfectly fine living in the shadows because I know that one day I will become a fabulous editor for a big-shot newspaper and they will be washed up nobodies."

I glanced over at Lucas talking to some of his lacrosse teammates under the big oak tree. He was only a few feet away from me, but it might as well have been a thousand. I shook my head, trying my best not to get sucked into a trance. Pushing any lingering thoughts of Lucas out of my mind, I turned to Maya and Farkle and smiled widely.

"Guys, I have an announcement," Maya raised her eyebrows at me, and Farkle frowned.

"Does it involve Lucas Friar, because if so, I don't want to hear it," Farkle plugged his ears with his index fingers, and Maya gave me a knowing look.

"No, Farkle, it's not about Lucas," I assured him, before taking a deep breath. "I wrote my short story for the contest last night."

"No way, that's awesome!" Maya exclaimed, throwing her arm around my shoulder and giving me a congratulatory squeeze. "Do we get to read it?"

"Nope, not until after the contest is over," I told them, and Maya pouted her lips at me in disappointment. "Hey, come on, you didn't let me read yours!"

"True," Maya nodded, as she popped a chip into her mouth.

"What changed, Riley?" Farkle asked, and I furrowed my eyebrows at him in confusion. "You were having a serious case of writer's block just last week. Did something happen over the weekend to change that?"

Maya raised her eyebrows at me and I kicked her foot in response.

"Yeah, Riley. Did anything interesting happen this weekend to pull you out of your writer's block?" Maya teased.

"I just... Went to the park. Sat on my bench. And inspiration just sort of... hit me," I explained, avoiding eye contact with both of them.

My phone buzzed, and I quickly glanced down to see a message from Jensen pop up on my screen.

 ** _Riley, I'm sorry about the kiss. It probably freaked you out. It was way too soon. Please talk to me. - Jensen_**

I shoved my phone in my backpack and turned my attention back to my friends.

"So, let's talk about how we're going to avoid all of the homecoming shenanigans this week, I was thinking that we..." Maya trailed off as her attention was pulled to someone walking towards us.

Merritt Haynes, with her straight, honey-blonde hair, and her much-too-short dance team uniform, sauntered over to us with a fake smile plastered on her face.

"Riley... Riley's friends," she greeted us. I could practically feel Maya rolling her eyes beside me, even if I couldn't see her directly. "Now, I want you to know that this is really hard for me to do, because I don't really like you very much, but I'm doing this because I'm worried about Lucas. As you remember, he got into a fight with my brother on Friday at the party."

"I think the whole world knows by now. Someone posted a video on YouTube like the second it happened," Maya chimed in, and Merritt turned to glare at her.

"Anyway, he's been getting into fights. He's been distant. And I still don't think he's gone in to see his brother yet," Merritt twisted her hands together and bit her bottom lip.

"Well, yeah because he knows about you two sneaking around," Maya snapped, and I turned to slap her on the arm.

"Maya!" I hissed, and Merritt's eyes went wide.

"He... He knows?" Merritt muttered, looking like she was about to be sick.

"Yes, he knows. But he was willing to make things work, after everything that happened with Holden and the accident," I assured her, as I turned to glare at Maya.

"Okay," Merritt breathed a sigh of relief. "Well, I was hoping that you could talk to him. I think that it would do a lot of good for him to at least see Holden."

I was planning on not talking to Lucas for the rest of my life. But he needed me. And I still cared about him.

"Yeah, I'll try, Merritt," I agreed, and Merritt beamed at me, her shiny white teeth gleaming in the sunlight. "But I can't promise anything. He and I aren't exactly on good terms right now."

"Is it because you're tutoring my brother now and kicked Lucas to the curb like a piece of nasty old trash?"

"Something like that, yeah," I glanced down at my shoes, trying to avoid her eyes.

"Well, do your best," Merritt gave one sharp nod and turned to head back to her gaggle of minions. "Oh! And vote Haynes and Friar for homecoming court!"

"I hate her," Maya muttered, and I hopped off of the wall and landed onto the sidewalk with a thud.

"You're talking to him now?" Farkle wanted to know, and I spun back around to face both of them.

"If I have to do this, I'd rather get it over with," I pivoted on my heel to head towards Lucas, afraid that if I didn't talk to him now, I never would.

I kept my eyes straight ahead, focusing on the task at hand. As I approached Lucas and his friends, I tried to avoid the questioning looks they were throwing in my direction.

"Riley," Lucas whispered, and I stood up straighter, trying to exude as much confidence as I could muster.

"You need to go see your brother," I blurted out, without wasting any time on small talk.

"I can't do that, Riley," he adjusted his backpack, without making eye contact with me.

"Look, I know you're angry with him for what he's done in the past with Merritt, but he's your brother, Lucas, and he just got into a terrible accident! Even if you think he's a horrible brother, you still need to - "

"Riley, you don't get it!" Lucas raised his voice, and a few of our classmates looked in our direction. "I can't go see him because I was a terrible brother to him!"

I gave him a confused look, and his expression softened. He gently put his hand on the small of my back to lead me to a quieter location.

"I was supposed to protect him. I was supposed to be there for him, but I wasn't! And then he got hurt. How can I face him, knowing that I broke my promise to him? That I had a chance to make things better with him right before the accident, but chose to avoid him instead?"

"Lucas..." I reached out to touch his arm, but he pulled away quickly.

"I can't go see him, Riley," Lucas shook his head as he started to back away from me. "And I'd really appreciate if everyone would stop asking me to."

With that, Lucas hurried off in the opposite direction to disappear into the school. I knew that deep down, Lucas needed to hear from his brother - somehow, some way. And I knew that I needed to do whatever I could to make that happen.

* * *

I stood in the doorway of Holden Friar's hospital room, thinking about what I was going to say to him. We had never met before, but I had seen him in a few musicals our school put on last year and thought that he was nothing short of amazing. He was skinnier than Lucas, but they had the same eyes and that type of smile that kind of breaks your heart because it's so genuine and beautiful. He also had that larger-than-life sense about him, just as Lucas did. Like he lived as though he was untouchable and unfailingly invincible. Now, as I took in his broken leg and scratched up face, it occurred to me that he was neither of those things. None of us were.

"Holden?" My voice sounded so small, so unlike my own, and for a second I wasn't sure if I had actually spoken the words aloud. Holden turned his head in my direction and immediately sat up straighter in his bed.

"Hey, you're not my regular nurse," Holden smirked, and I took a few steps closer. "She's not nearly as pretty. Not to mention the huge, hairy mole, right about here that I pretend that I'm not staring at, even though I totally am. That thing is huge." Holden gestured to the right side of his cheek, right below his eye.

"Hi, I'm Ril -"

"Riley Matthews," Holden smiled even wider, and I raised my eyebrows at him. "I know who you are. Merritt goes on and on about you every time she comes to visit. She's threatened by you, you know."

"Merritt Haynes is threatened by me? How is that even possible?" I scoffed, and he waved for me to come closer to him.

"Because my brother is in love with you, obviously," Holden stated, matter-of-factly.

"Lucas is not in love with me," I argued. "We're just friends. Not even friends, really - I just tutor him."

"Now, from what I've heard, you're a pretty smart girl. And if you believe that, I will seriously question everything," Holden joked.

I pulled the green-striped chair sitting in the corner of the room, closer to the bed and sat down. I glanced up at Holden, and my breath nearly caught in my throat. Sitting there, that close to him, he looked more similar to Lucas than I had previously thought. It was almost unnerving, but I shook it off as best I could.

"How are you feeling?" I rubbed my hands together, and then set them firmly on my knees, determined not to let my old nervous habit get the better of me.

"I'm better," Holden nodded, although he didn't look as sure about that as he sounded. "The doctor said I should make a full recovery... It'll just take a lot of time and physical therapy."

"That's great, Holden," I smiled up at him, trying my best to sound upbeat and positive. Holden nodded and swallowed hard, looking down at his hands placed neatly on the blanket in front of him.

"How's Lucas?"

"He's good," I told him. I must not have sounded very convincing because Holden pursed his lips at me, as if he saw right through my lies. "Not so good. He thinks he's been a terrible brother. That he's broken a promise to you somehow. I think he's just afraid to face you."

"A terrible brother? How has he been a terrible brother?" Holden turned to face me as best he could, and I leaned in closer to him.

"The way he's been around you recently," I explained. "Distant, moody, kind of like he'd rather be anywhere but in the same room as you."

"Yeah, that sounds familiar," Holden muttered. "What's with that by the way?"

"Well, you and Merritt..." I trailed off, waiting for him to catch on before I had to finish the sentence.

"He knows?" Holden's eyes went wide, and I glanced down at the floor.

"Oh yeah," I nodded solemnly. "Holden, I know we don't really know each other, and I'm probably way out of line, but I have to ask - why did you do it? He's your brother, why would you go after his girlfriend?"

"What?" Holden gasped.

"You guys have been sneaking around for months. You had to know that Lucas would notice eventually," I informed him, starting to feel extremely uncomfortable with this whole conversation.

"Merritt and I were sneaking around, I guess, but we weren't cheating," he assured me. "I'll admit, I've had a crush on her for awhile, but Merritt's made it very clear that we're just friends. And I would never hurt him like that."

"Then what were you guys doing?"

"Merritt was helping me out with something. Something that I've wanted for awhile now. And I was helping her out too, in a way," Holden paused before continuing, taking a deep breath as he processed everything that had been said. "That's why he's been so distant? He really thought that I would do that to him?"

"Honestly, I think he's been pretty lost lately," I explained.

"Yeah, I guess we've all been a little lost," Holden agreed. "Ever since Jessica Evans died last year."

My heart stopped at the sound of her name as I remembered the newspaper on Jensen's wall.

"Holden, you don't think Lucas... You know," I sputtered out, unable to say the words out loud.

"Had anything to do with it? Not a chance. My brother may be a little lost, but he still has the kindest, purest heart of anyone I know. He'd never do anything to hurt her." Holden watched my eyes dart to the floor, and my hands twist together nervously. "But you were starting to doubt him, weren't you?"

"I think I've been a little lost too," I admitted, my voice barely a whisper. I rose from the chair and smiled at Holden. "Anyway, I'm really glad you're okay, Holden. And so is Lucas. He'll come see you when he's ready, okay? Just give him a little more time."

"I've always had faith in my brother, Riley," Holden's eyes lit up as he took his hand in mine."You should too."

Holden gave my hand a reassuring squeeze before I turned to walk out of the room. I might not have taken the path I normally would have taken a year ago. Not by becoming Lucas' tutor, not by kissing Jensen Haynes, and not by allowing myself to be sucked into a world I didn't think I could ever be a part of. But those are the paths I chose for myself. It didn't mean they were the wrong ones, or even the only one. And maybe I truly was lost. But I had to have faith that I would find my way back to whoever I was meant to be. And I owed it to Lucas to do the same for him.


	16. Futures Not Yet Lived

**Chapter 16: Futures Not Yet Lived and Pasts Forgotten**

 **Lucas**

When I was eight, I decided that I knew how I wanted my life to turn out. I had a picture perfect idea of who I wanted to be, what I wanted to do, and where I wanted to go. But it never felt like the kind of life that I was going to have; not one that was in the cards for someone like me. The idea just never fit with the kind of people my parents were, or the lifestyle that I had grown up with my entire childhood. Yet it was always in the back of my mind - the hope for something different, the chance to be truly happy. I thought about this as I leaned against my bed frame, flipping through my copy of the Great Gatsby. I lost count of how many times I had read it, but something always drew me back to page 66 and that quote that Riley claimed reminded her of my life.

 _ **"You see I usually find myself among strangers because I drift here and there trying to forget the sad thing that happened to me."**_

Was that the reason I had felt drawn to Riley? Was that the reason I needed to be around her, instead of surrounded by the people and lifestyle I had grown up with? Riley was different. She was everything I wished I could be. And before she was my tutor, she was a stranger. She helped me forget about Holden, and my parents, and that night with Jessica Evans. I could drift in and out of her life, but still go back to who I was before I met her. And for some reason, I needed that at the time. But Riley had become so much more to me than that. Riley was no longer a stranger. She was everything to me.

"Honey?" My mom peeked her head into my room, her hair damp and face clean of any makeup. She had finally left the hospital to come home and shower, and was doing anything she possibly could to stay busy.

"Hey, mom," I greeted her, sitting up in my bed and scooting over to make room for her. "How's Holden?"

"He's much better," she assured me. My mom looked up at me, her eyes an odd mixture of concern and sadness. "You know, he really wants to see you. He misses his big brother."

"Mom, I told you, I'll go when I'm ready," I sighed, already tired of having to explain myself to her.

"I know, I know," she patted my leg and smiled slyly at me. "You know, Holden told me that your friend came to see him the other day."

"Zay? Yeah, he's been worried about him," I explained, not meeting her eyes.

"No, the girl that came with you to the hospital the night of the accident. Riley, I think her name was?"

My head shot up, my heart pounding hard in my chest at the sound of her name.

"Riley came to see Holden? Why would she do that, she doesn't even know him," I sputtered out quickly, trying my best to sound as nonchalant as I possibly could.

"That sounds like something you'd have to ask her, Lucas," she told me. "But I do know that she must really care about you for her to visit your injured brother in the hospital."

She looked like she wanted to say more. Like she wanted me to divulge everything about Riley and Merritt and my life at school and lacrosse. But I didn't want to talk because I knew that whatever I said, it wouldn't change the fact that I could never have that picture perfect idea of a life that I wanted so desperately. At least, not until I cleared everything up with Jensen and figured out what he was hiding from me about the night of the lacrosse championships.

"I have a lot of homework," I held up my book to prove my point to her and she sighed, as she had already anticipated that I wasn't going to give her anymore insight on the subject.

"Okay, I can take a hint," she stood up from the bed and took a few steps towards the doorway. "I'm going back to the hospital in the morning. I'll be there all day if you want to stop by."

"Goodnight, mom," I waved my book at her and she shook her head.

"Goodnight, sweetie," she walked out of my bedroom, but then quickly popped her head back in. "Just, one last thing. I can tell that you're unhappy, Lucas. And I think it's because you feel like you have to do the same things that you're not passionate about over and over again. Don't be afraid to change what's not making you happy, okay? Don't become your father and me."

With that, she turned on her heel to head back to her bedroom. I knew that she was right. If I didn't like lacrosse, I could quit. If I was unhappy with Merritt, I could breakup with her. If I wanted to be with Riley, I could fight for her. But all of that was going to have to wait until I solved the 'Jensen problem.' And I needed to solve it before he unleashed anymore secrets or lies, otherwise someone could end up paying the consequences. And I refused to let that person be Riley.

* * *

The next morning, I waited for Riley in front of her apartment, shivering slightly at nip in the air - the first sign of winter. It was early November, and the leaves were stacked in piles all along the sidewalk. The little girl across the street waiting for her bus to take her off to school, eyed the pile closest to her, restraining herself from jumping into it and ruining her nice clean clothes. I smiled at the double-take she did from the leaves to the street, and then back again. She saw me smiling and waved. Just as I lifted my hand to wave back, the door opened behind me and Riley stepped through the threshold and onto the front steps. I turned around as she took a few steps forward, not looking up from her iPod until I met her at the bottom of the steps.

"Lucas, what are you doing here?" Riley tugged the earphones out of her ears, and quickly shoved her iPod into her backpack. I wasn't in the mood for small talk or to explain myself, so I decided to jump straight to the issue at hand.

"Why did you go see my brother?" I blurted out.

"What?" Riley's eyes went wide, her nerves evident in the way she was twisting her hands together in front of her.

"I didn't ask you to do that, okay?" I spat, not even caring about keeping my anger in check at the moment. "I didn't ask you to talk to him for me."

"I know that, Lucas," she sighed, taking a few steps forward. I filed in next to her and we headed towards the subway.

"Then why did you go?" I demanded. We passed the little girl as she stepped onto her bus, the pile of leaves a sudden afterthought as she met her friends at their seats in the back of the bus. We stopped at the crosswalk and Riley turned to look at me, her eyes serious.

"I went to see your brother because I knew you couldn't," Riley tucked her hair behind her ear and averted her eyes to glance at the sidewalk. Before I even realized what I was doing, I was lifting her chin slightly to meet my eyes, my hand lingering for just a second longer than it should have. I quickly let my hand drop to my side and she shifted nervously.

"Why would you do that for me?"

"Look, Lucas, after talking to your brother I found out a few things that you really need to know," she informed me, swiftly avoiding my question. "Merritt isn't who you think she is. And neither is Holden."

"I know, Riley. I'm the one who told you that in the first place," I reminded her. We crossed the street, but then she immediately pulled me off to the side, letting the crowd of people behind us pass.

"No, Lucas, she's not that version of your girlfriend that you've created in your head over these past few months." Her words were urgent, desperate for me to hear what she was saying. "You and I are both guilty of this - but I think that we have this tendency to create false perceptions of the people in our lives. We have this list in our heads, Lucas - the list of people we may know, but I don't think we truly know any of them..."

Riley smiled sadly at me, and I knew in that moment, how right she was. How I had been doing exactly what she was saying my entire life. And I had done it with her, as well, without even realizing it.

"And we won't. Not until we take a second to have an actual conversation with them and listen to their full story. It doesn't matter if we've known them five days or five years - you never truly know someone until you drop the perception of them based on what you've seen or heard in the past and get to know who they are in the present. So go talk to Merritt. And your brother. Listen to the real story. And really hear them. Okay?" Her eyes were pleading with me to understand, so I nodded. She turned to continue down the sidewalk to the subway station, but I gently grabbed her arm and pulled her closer to me.

"Riley," I breathed, unsure of what to say next. "You and Jensen... I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I know, Lucas," she took my hand in hers and squeezed it, but then gently let go. "But I can take care of myself, okay?"

Riley took a few more steps away from me, but I called out to her before she got too far away.

"I know that what you said about me just now was true. But I want one thing to be very clear," I was shouting now, not caring about my volume or who was around to hear this. "I know you, Riley Matthews. And it's not just an idea, or a perception. I know who you are. And because I know you, I feel like I can say this - he's not good enough for you."

"Lucas," she started to say, but I didn't let her finish.

"I'm going to prove it to you," I promised. "I'm going to tell you everything. I'm going to make all of this right. You just need to give me a little more time."

"I believe you," she smiled, slowly walking backwards down the street. "Have fun at the homecoming dance, Lucas. You'll make a great homecoming king."

With that, she disappeared around the corner and I turned to head in the opposite direction. As I started walking, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed a familiar number. It rang a few times before she answered.

"Hey, Merritt," I said in almost a whisper. "Listen, I think that we need to talk. Meet me at the hospital after school today. I'm ready to listen to what you have to say. What you both have to say."

Before she could answer, I hung up the phone and headed back to my apartment to get ready for school. I didn't know if having this conversation with Merritt and my brother was going to make things better or worse, but I had a feeling that it would push me one step closer into the version of the life I had always wanted - one way or the other.

* * *

Merritt and I were never really good at talking to each other. She meant well, but our conversations just never seemed to go anywhere, except back to herself. It wasn't really her fault. I just never knew what to say to her. And she didn't know that I hated everything she thought I loved. As I sat in the lobby of the hospital - a place that had become so familiar to me these days - I thought about what I was going to say to her now. Did I have the right to get angry at her? Should I let her explain? Did I forgive her for lying to me all these months? All of these thoughts ran through my mind as she entered the hospital with her hair pulled into a high ponytail and her dance bag in her hand.

"Hey, thanks for waiting until after practice was over," she threw her bag over her shoulder and straightened out her tank top. The dance team had been practicing for the homecoming game the next day, so I had agreed to push our "meeting" an hour later.

"It's fine," I muttered, not meeting her eyes. We stood there staring at each other for a few minutes, unsure of what to do next. I finally took a deep breath and turned to head out of the lobby. "Well, let's go see Holden."

"Okay," she breathed, her voice shaky and unsure - so unlike the Merritt I've known for so long.

I let her lead me down the hallway to Holden's hospital room. There was a light that had gone out in front of his doorway, making it seem that much more frightening to enter his room. She placed her hand on the doorknob and I took a deep breath as we entered.

"Hey, Holden," Merritt greeted him. Holden was sitting up in his bed - his forehead had a giant gash on the right side, and his leg was in a cast. I tried not to let my breath catch at the sight of my little brother looking so broken.

Holden turned to look at us, his eyes avoiding Merritt's, and moving straight to meet mine.

"Luke," he smiled, relief evident in his features. "I'm really glad you came."

"I - I'm s-sorry I didn't come sooner," I croaked, unable to steady my voice. "I've been really busy."

"I understand," Holden nodded. I took a few steps closer, but held back from coming too close his bed. "So, I heard that you wanted to talk?"

I cleared my throat and took a seat in the chair off to left side of his bed.

"Uh, yeah," I muttered, unsure of where I wanted to begin. "I know that you guys have been sneaking around since the beginning of the summer."

"Lucas, we can explain," Merritt started to say, but I cut her off.

"No, let me get this out. Someone told me recently that I have a tendency to create this false idea of the people closest to me based on things that I think I know. I jump to conclusions and I judge, before I even let them explain. So that's part of the reason why I've been acting so strange these past few months. I knew - or I thought I knew - what both of you were up to. But I don't know your side of the story. So now's your chance. Talk to me."

Merritt and Holden exchanged a look, as if considering how much they wanted to tell me. Merritt nodded at him, and Holden took a deep breath.

"Lucas, we didn't mean to lie to you," Holden sounded nervous, but he kept it together enough to continue. "But I need you to know that we weren't cheating. I would never do that do you, and neither would Merritt. However, we did lie to you."

I nodded slowly, signaling for him to continue with my hands.

"I asked for Merritt's help with something. We didn't want to involve you for a lot of reasons, but we know now that we should have told you what was going on from the start," Holden explained. There was an awkward silence in which Holden didn't know what to say next. Merritt twitched next to him and he gave her the nod to finish what he had to say for him.

"Your dad was having an affair with my mom," Merritt blurted out.

"What?" I gasped, unable to wrap my head around her words.

"And when we were 'sneaking around,' I was really helping Holden..." Merritt paused, trying her best to collect her thoughts. "I was helping him ensure that your dad knew that someone else was aware of what he was up to. And then once he knew that, we figured that maybe he would finally be persuaded into freeing your mother from their terrible marriage."

I shook my head in utter disbelief, trying to understand what on earth was happening.

"Let me get this straight," I stood up and started pacing in front of Holden's hospital bed. "You and my girlfriend were blackmailing our father into divorcing our mother... By threatening to release the information that he was having an affair with Mrs. Haynes, if he didn't? It wasn't mom blackmailing dad, it was you two?"

 _I was so confused. What the hell was happening?_

"Yeah, I think that's the gist of it," Holden muttered, unable to meet my gaze. "We knew that he wouldn't risk his reputation like that. Divorce is common - accepted even. But having an affair with one of the most powerful men in the business world's wife? That would be the end of everything he's worked so hard to build."

"That's _insane_ ," I snapped, no longer at a loss for words. "You guys realize that you're insane, right?"

"I know how it sounds, Lucas, but mom was so miserable," Holden explained, his eyes starting to fill with tears. "You weren't always around to hear her crying in her room late at night. Dad has always been a selfish, unhappy man, and he was bringing her down with him. I had to do it. I had to save her from him."

Merritt turned to look at me, her expression desperate and a little scared.

"My mother has been cheating on my father for years, Lucas. With so many different men," Merritt's voice dropped to almost a whisper. "I couldn't let her get away with it anymore."

I thought about Riley, and how I just wanted to keep her away from Jensen. I wanted to keep her away from this world for this very reason - it tore people apart in the worst ways. And I couldn't let that happen to her.

"It's okay, I understand," I told them. "I mean not really - there were so many other less insane ways to go about this, but I get it. You were trying to right a wrong. Trying to keep mom safe. Just..." I turned to Merritt. "How many other people know about this? About our dad and your mom?"

"No one, except..." Merritt trailed off. She bit her lip and looked down at her hands.

"Merritt, who else knows?" I pressed.

"The night of the lacrosse championships," she began, doing everything she could to avoid my gaze. "Jensen walked in on the two of them kissing in the school hallway after the game."

"Right before the party," I finished for her, starting to piece it all together.

"Yeah, and someone else was with him," Holden chimed in.

"Who?" I was on the edge of my chair, worried that if I didn't get close enough, I wouldn't be able to hear the answer.

"Jessica Evans," Merritt murmured, her voice extremely low - the grief and sadness from that day still evident in her expression.

"Oh my god," I muttered, running an exhausted hand down my face in complete disbelief.

"He was furious - yelling that he was going to kill your dad and how he ruined our family. And then he... he decided that he was going to ruin yours too," Merritt sputtered out quickly. Her expression suddenly changed, and she was scrambling to explain herself. "But I talked him out of it, okay? He apologized immediately and took everything back."

"He wanted to hurt me, didn't he? He wanted to get back at my dad, so he was going to hurt me," my voice was starting to get louder, and I stood up quickly - the chair making a terrible scraping noise on the tile floor.

"I talked him out of it," Merritt repeated, her voice cracking on the last word.

I finally knew why Jensen was so angry. I knew what happened the night of the party. And I knew, once and for all, that Jensen would do whatever it took to get what he wanted - and that was to keep this secret from ever getting out. I finally remembered everything. Yet, I still had so many questions and a list of things I needed to settle before I officially got Riley involved. It was time to confront Jensen. And a part of me - a part so deep that I didn't think it actually existed - was terrified to do so.


	17. Head in the Clouds

**Chapter 17:** Head in the Clouds

 **Riley**

I've always had this idea that getting to know someone is a little like watching the clouds change shape before your eyes. One minute they're exactly what you thought they were – a fully formed shape of something familiar and real. But before you know it, they have the ability to morph into something else entirely – an image so foreign that it might not even be recognizable to anyone but yourself.

As I lay in a small patch of grass near the large oak tree in the park by my apartment, I couldn't help but let my mind drift to thoughts of Jensen. I watched the clouds weave in and out of different shapes in the sky, and all I could think about was that bad feeling I got in the pit of my stomach the night I met him in front of the hospital. I thought that it had disappeared the more I had gotten to know him, but I couldn't push it away. It was the one cloud that wouldn't change shape no matter how hard I stared, or how much closer I got to it.

"What do you see?" Auggie asked, gently poking me in the side to get my attention. I removed the earphones from my ears and turned my head towards him, squinting my eyes to block the sun from my view.

"Bunny," I grinned, already anticipating his annoyed response. Auggie rolled his eyes and sat up in the grass to get a better look at me.

"You always say bunny," Auggie whined, clearly unimpressed with my cloud-gazing abilities.

"That's because bunnies are fluffy and round – just like clouds," I explained. "It's just what I see. I can't see anything different."

"Maybe you should try looking at them from a different perspective. Tilt your head to the side, squint your eyes a little," Auggie demonstrated this for me, and I couldn't help but laugh a little. "Maybe it'll open your eyes to a whole different type of cloud."

That was it. To shake that feeling I had about Jensen, I needed to see him from a different perspective. I needed to give him a chance to show me that he was more than one fixed feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"Auggie, you're a genius," I exclaimed, throwing my hands in the air and pushing off the ground in one hurried motion.

"I mean, that's a given," Auggie agreed, sounding confident with this information. When he realized that he had no idea what I was talking about, he looked at me questioningly. "But what did I do specifically to show my genius-like abilities this time?"

Ignoring his question, I gathered my backpack off of the blanket we were laying on, and quickly stood up. "I have to go," I announced.

"Wait, you can't leave me here!" Auggie protested, scrambling to stand on his feet.

"You're in the fourth grade, I think you can cross the street to our apartment by yourself," I snatched up the blanket, quickly shaking off the blades of grass that had accumulated since we had spread it out an hour ago.

"No, you can't leave me alone in the apartment," Auggie reminded me. "Mom's rule remember? You don't want to get on her bad side like last time do you?"

I thought about that for a second, remembering the incident in question. I quickly realized that I would rather have Auggie join me on this ridiculous mission of mine, than to have my mom look at me the way she did the last time I disobeyed her.

"Good point, let's go," I said automatically, placing the items underneath my arm and heading in the direction of the subway.

"Sweet! Where are we going?" Auggie asked, hurrying to catch up with me. I stopped abruptly, placing a hand on his shoulder and squinting my eyes at him dramatically.

"To a far away land where there's candy in crystal-plated bowls on every table and gold-rimmed toilet seat covers in every bathroom," I teased, trying everything I could to convince him that wherever we were going was worth his while.

"Awesome," he muttered, shuffling his feet to keep up with me as we made our way down into the subway station.

I grabbed Auggie's hand as we weaved our way through the crowd of people hurrying to return to wherever they called home. I knew that what I was about to do was just a distraction from Lucas and everything that he was trying to protect me from. And I knew how this would make him feel. But I had to find out for myself if Jensen was everything Lucas warned me about, or if he was something much more. I had to know. And there was only one way to find out.

* * *

Auggie and I stood in front of Jensen Haynes' apartment building waiting for me to build up the courage to open the door to the lobby. Auggie wiggled impatiently next to me as I made the move to open the door, and then quickly moved my hand away, too afraid to follow through with it.

"Are we going inside, or are we just going to stand out here like a bunch of weirdos," Auggie complained, clearly annoyed with my inability to make up my mind.

"Just give me a minute," I mumbled, biting my lower lip and gazing up at the windows of the unbelievably tall building.

"I've given you ten minutes, open the door already!"

"Alright, alright," I muttered, my hand hovering over the door handle, ready to do as he instructed. I took a deep breath, preparing to step inside when the doorman appeared in front of me.

"Good afternoon, miss. May I ask who you are here to see?"

I shifted uncomfortably and cleared my throat. "Uh, Jensen Haynes," I muttered, unable to steady my voice.

"Oh, of course! You must be the new girlfriend," the doorman smiled knowingly, and I heard Auggie giggle next to me.

"No, no, definitely not," I sputtered out quickly. "I'm just his tutor."

"Sorry, miss, I guess I just assumed," the doorman apologized. "Jensen hasn't brought anyone home since Miss Jessica. I figured it was about time that he met someone new."

My eyes went wide at the sound of her name. "Jessica? Jessica Evans?"

"Yes, ma'am," he nodded solemnly. "I didn't think I would ever see him smile again after the night she passed. Then all of a sudden, a few nights ago he came home from the park with the goofiest grin on his face. I just assumed it was because of a girl."

The image of the kiss that Jensen and I shared flashed across my mind, and I felt my cheeks begin to blush at the memory of his lips on mine.

"Is Jensen here, or should I come back later?" I changed the subject, desperate to get what I came here to do out of the way.

"Sorry, miss. Kevin will check for you at the desk. It will just take a moment," he explained, gesturing to the young man sitting behind the large mahogany desk in the corner of the lobby.

Auggie and I made our way over to Kevin, I told him my name, and then we waited for him to call up to the Haynes' apartment. I couldn't help but notice the way Auggie's eyes popped out of his head when he saw the size of the chandelier hanging above us. It was very similar to the way I felt when I first stepped into the Haynes' apartment with Jensen.

"Mr. Haynes will be down in just a moment, if you and your brother would like to have a seat. Can I offer you anything to drink?" Kevin asked, looking at us expectantly.

"Double chocolate chip milkshake, extra whip cream, cherry on top," Auggie told him, leaning back in his plush chair and kicking up his feet onto the coffee table. I gave him a stern look and he just shrugged at me.

"No, thank you," I declined. "We're fine." I settled into the chair and Kevin nodded, shuffling back to his position behind the desk.

"Be careful with him," Kevin called from behind the counter.

"What do you mean?" I asked, not entirely sure what he was talking about. I stood from the chair and walked over to the desk, doing whatever I could to distance Auggie from our conversation.

"Jensen Haynes has a temper and a deadly desire to get what he wants. And the people he cares about most end up getting hurt when that's the case - I saw that first hand the night his girlfriend died," Kevin turned around to place a book on the shelf behind him, and I leaned in to whisper to him.

"You know something about that night, don't you, Kevin?"

"You learn a lot of secrets working at the front desk in this kind of place. Secrets you wish you never would have been told in the first place. I know a lot of things, Ms. Matthews. But nothing you want me to tell you." With that, Kevin turned on his heel to head to the back office without another word on the subject. I quickly returned to my seat and Auggie turned to face me.

"So, are you going to tell me why we're here, or are you just going to make me guess?" Auggie narrowed his eyes at me, that mischievous look on his face letting me know that he had already whipped up a few crazy theories in his head about why we were in this fancy apartment building.

"You'll find out soon enough," I muttered through gritted teeth, the nerves finally starting to set in.

"What happened to that other guy? The one you had a crush on, but kept pretending you didn't?"

I thought about arguing with him - _"I don't know what you're talking about"_ , or, _"I never had a crush!"_ \- but I was tired of arguing and denying and lying about everything. It was time to be direct and straight-forward with the people I cared about.

"He's... He's not a possibility right now," I said in almost a whisper.

"Why not?" Auggie furrowed his brows, clearly confused.

 _Let's face it, I was just as confused as he was._

"I'll tell you another time, but right now - " I started to say, but was cut short by the sight of Jensen barging through the entrance to the staircase, his breath coming in short, labored spurts and his eyes dancing wildly.

"Riley," Jensen breathed, trying his best to catch his breath. It occurred to me that he had taken the stairs, even though the elevators seemed to be working just fine. "I didn't think I'd ever hear from you again. Not after what happened in the park."

"What happened in the park?" Auggie tugged on my arm, and I slapped his hand away.

"Uh, Jensen this is my little brother Auggie," I took a deep breath and pulled Jensen off to the side, out of Auggie's earshot. "Look, I need to get this out, so I don't want any interruptions - no flirtatiously witty retorts or comments or that annoyingly sly smile that you're giving me right now."

"I am not - " Jensen began, but I placed one finger over his mouth to shush him. I slowly lowered my hand, and he nodded for me to continue.

"There's a lot I don't know about you. In fact, I barely know you at all. And the things that I've heard about you make me wonder if I even should," I glanced down at my hands, afraid to meet his eyes. "But I told someone recently that they shouldn't think of another person as just a perception or a rumor that they've heard from other people. They need to see that person in a different light - to shake the perception, and get to know them in a different way, on their own terms."

I was doing everything I could to make the words that I was saying sound convincing. It didn't matter if I believed them anymore, as long as Jensen did. The truth was that I really did believe everything I told Lucas about letting people tell their side of the story, before you peg them as something undesirable in your eyes. But I also believed in gut feelings. And I had a terrible one about Jensen Haynes. The remark that Kevin had just made about Jensen getting the people he loved mixed up in his desire to get what he wants, confirmed that completely.

"So that's what I'm going to try to do with you," I slowly let my eyes wander up to meet his gaze and I took in a deep breath. "Will you go to the homecoming dance with me?"

I thought about Lucas, and how mad he would be that I was doing the exact opposite of what he told me to do about Jensen. I thought about everything that I had heard about Jensen and the night that Jessica Evans died. I needed to trust my instincts and figure out why Jensen made me feel so uncomfortable. I needed to figure out the truth - for Lucas and for myself.

"You're sure about this? Me going back to that school - you might learn some things about me that you're not ready to know," Jensen warned me.

 _I'm kind of counting on it._

"I'm sure," I promised him, trying everything I could to keep my voice calm.

"Then, yes," Jensen's eyes lit up, and the corners of his mouth curled into that classic sly smile of his. "Riley Matthews, I would be honored to go to homecoming with you."

I let myself smile back at him, but I couldn't ignore the fact that the feeling in the pit of my stomach, the one I was trying to shake by asking Jensen to the homecoming dance, still lingered. It was faint, hardly worth acknowledging, but it was still there. And I had an even worse feeling that it wasn't going to go away any time soon. In fact, I think that it was going to get worse.

* * *

"You're going to the homecoming dance? With Jensen Haynes? Have you lost your mind?" Maya dropped the history book she was flipping through, and turned to face me on the couch we were sitting on in my mother's bakery.

"Maya, I have to go with him," I tried to explain. "Something's not right. I thought that I needed to get closer to him to prove that this bad feeling I had about him since the beginning was wrong. But I think that I need to prove the opposite. I think I need to prove that it's right. And whatever I find out about him - I have this feeling that it'll protect Lucas somehow."

Maya looked at me with a blank expression and shook her head in complete disbelief.

"Okay, now you're making zero sense," she frowned.

"I know, but everything will make sense after the dance," I promised her, picking up my AP calculus book from the coffee table and flipping to the correct page.

"Riley, you're going to be careful, right?" Maya placed a hand on my shoulder and I smiled at her reassuringly.

"Aren't I always?"

"Yes - annoyingly so," Maya muttered, and I nudged her arm playfully. "Where's Farkle by the way?"

As if he had heard Maya say his name, Farkle swung open the front door of Topanga's and skipped - yes, skipped - over to the section of the bakery where Maya and I were seated.

"You guys won't believe this," Farkle announced, as he tried to catch his breath. "But I just got a date to the homecoming dance!" Farkle exclaimed, a bead of sweat dripping down his face.

"You've gotta be kidding me!" Maya threw her arms in the air, and Farkle limped over to sit in the chair next to Maya.

"That's great, Farkle," I told him, shooting Maya a disapproving look. "Who did you ask?"

"Her name is Isadora, and she's probably the smartest person I've ever met," Farkle beamed. "We were in history and she answered this ridiculous question about Archduke Ferdinand. So naturally I told her my Archduke Ferdinand joke. And - get this - she actually laughed. Then I just took a chance and asked her to the dance. It was amazing."

"So you two nerds have dates, and I'm stuck at home all night eating cheese puffs and watching reality tv marathons?" Maya gaped at both of us, and I turned in my seat to look at her sympathetically.

"We'll find you a date, Maya," I promised her.

"Oh, I'm not worried about that. I've had like three different guys on the newspaper ask me. I just don't wanna go," Maya whined.

"Come on, Maya, it'll be fun," I tried to convince her, but something at the front of the bakery caught her eye, and her attention was pulled to whatever was happening up there.

"Speaking of fun," Maya mumbled, pointing to the person walking into the bakery. "Boyfriend number one just walked in."

Lucas entered the bakery - his hair disheveled and eyes swimming with confusion. He looked like he had been up all night studying or thinking or both - anything that didn't involve sleeping. I immediately stood from the couch and met him in front of the counter.

"Lucas, what is it?" I asked, not even afraid to hide my concern anymore.

"You were right," Lucas blurted out. "I talked to Merritt and Holden. Everything is starting to make sense. And all of it - the night of the lacrosse championships, the reason we needed to keep our tutoring sessions a secret, the misunderstanding with my brother and Merritt - it all has to do with Jensen."

I led him to the bay window at the front of the bakery and we both sat down.

"I know," I assured him, and his brows immediately furrowed in confusion.

"You know?"

"Well, not really. But I had a feeling," I explained. Lucas didn't press me for any further details, he simply nodded and placed one of his hands on top of mine.

"Okay. Okay, good," Lucas smiled, relief evident in his voice. "That means you can stop tutoring him."

"No, I can't," I shook my head firmly, and removed my hand from underneath his.

"Why not?"

"I'm going to help you figure out everything that he's been hiding," I told him firmly, standing up and walking over to the counter to pick the smoothie I had ordered before he walked in.

"Riley, no, I can't ask you to do that," he protested, following close behind me.

"You didn't," I reminded him. "I decided that on my own. That's why I'm going to the homecoming dance with him."

"You're what?" Lucas' jaw dropped as I picked up the strawberry banana smoothie and turned to look at him. "You can't go to the dance with him, Riley. He's way too dangerous! I thought you just said that you knew that he was up to no good."

"I do know, that, Lucas," I sighed, maneuvering my way around him to sit at one of the stools at the counter. "I just don't know what that is. And if I can go to the dance with him - maybe I can figure that out."

"Riley, that's insane!"

"Lucas, I know that whatever happened the night of the lacrosse championships with Jessica Evans - it was Jensen's responsibility. Not yours. But he wants everyone to think that it was. Why?"

Lucas rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably and took a deep breath.

"To tell you that - I'd have to start from the very beginning."

"I have all night," I informed him, folding my left leg underneath me and settling into my seat, smoothie in hand.

With that, Lucas turned to face me, closed his eyes for a moment, and prepared to tell me everything that he knew about the night of the lacrosse championships.

"Okay, here it goes."


	18. Ghosts in the Night

****Warning: There is mention of over-consumption of alcohol, violence under the influence of alcohol, and a description of Jessica's death involving drowning (not graphic at all, just thought I would put that in here just in case).****

 **Chapter 18:** Ghosts in the Night

 **Lucas**

 **One Year Ago - The night of the Lacrosse State Championships**

 _The night air was cool and crisp - conditions that made an outdoor party in the middle of winter almost unbearable. If it wasn't for the space heaters, people would have left ages ago. I found myself sitting in the corner, complaining to Zay about the rapidly increasing numbness that was overtaking my entire body, when Merritt and Jessica Evans stumbled into the party._

 _"State champions! Woo!" Merritt leaned over the side of the roof, shouting at the people below and taking a sip of her drink._

 _"Yeah, I guess we don't suck as much as you thought we did, Mer," Jessica joked, coming up behind Merritt and nudging her playfully in the side with her elbow._

 _"Shut up, Jess!"_

 _"Uh, how many of those have you had, Merritt?" I asked, pointing to her cup, and raising my eyebrows at her disapprovingly._

 _"Don't kill my buzz, Lucas!" Merritt protested, and Jessica placed a firm hand over Merritt's shoulder._

 _"Yeah, don't kill her buzz, Lucas," Jessica mimicked, giving me a sly smile and a flirtatious wink._

 _"Has anyone seen Jensen?" Merritt asked, searching the crowd of tipsy teenagers for any sign of her brother. "He disappeared after the game and I haven't seen him since."_

 _"Nope, I haven't seen him," Jessica informed her almost too quickly, averting her gaze to peer into the contents of her cup._

 _"He must be with our mom," Merritt guessed, crossing behind Jessica to take a seat between Zay and me. "She likes to nag him about all the other things he could be doing instead of wasting his time on lacrosse. Especially after he's just won a state championship."_

 _Merritt played with the fringe hanging off the edge of the couch, and Jessica shuffled over to sit on the arm of the chair next to me._

 _"You were awesome tonight, Lucas," Jessica gushed, her words coming out slurred as the effects of the alcohol was starting to set in. "That last shot you made - that was one for the record books."_

 _"Couldn't have done it without my teammates," I admitted, reaching across Merritt to give Zay a quick high five._

 _"You sound like the team captain," Merritt smiled at me as I settled back into my position on the couch._

 _"Yeah, right, like I could ever live up to your brother's legacy," I disagreed, shaking my head at the thought of being team captain._

 _"No arguments there," Jensen emerged from behind us, coming in from the stairs leading up the the roof where the party was being held._

 _"Where have you been?" Merritt turned in her seat to glare at her brother, and he came around the couch to sit in front of them on the coffee table. His eyes met Jessica's for a moment before turning his attention back to Merritt._

 _"I had some things to take care of," Jensen brushed her off, not wanting to give her details on where he had been for the past two hours. "I got us a little treat for tonight. Care to go for a joy ride?"_

 _Jensen held out a key in front of us, looping the key ring that read 'New York City Schools,' around his finger._

 _"Jensen, you stole a school bus?" Merritt gasped, snatching the key from his hand and examining it more closely._

 _"Borrowed," Jensen corrected her, quickly taking the key back and shoving it deep into his pocket. "I called in a favor, okay?"_

 _"Sweet, let's go to my house," Jessica suggested, and everyone turned to look at her. "Well my parents summer house. It's only like 45 minutes from here. We could hang out in the hot tub, skip stones on the lake behind my house, pretty much everything you can't do in the city."_

 _"Sounds fun, but we have one stop to make first," Je_ n _sen told her, turning to look at the rest of us expectantly. "Anyone else?"_

 _"Can't - designated driver for the majority of the team," Zay declined, standing from his seat on the couch and patting me on the shoulder as he hurried off in the opposite direction._

 _"Yeah, and I feel like I'm going to blow chunks any minute. A moving vehicle would just make it worse," Merritt clasped her hand firmly over her mouth and ran for the stairs to search for a bathroom._

 _"Lucas?" Jensen challenged. "You gonna chicken out on me, or are you gonna show us what you're made of?"_

 _Maybe it was the way he was looking at me - like I was too much of a coward to go with them. Or that he would hate that I had the guts to go, But either way, I knew that I could not let them get on that bus without me._

 _"Count me in," I announced, as I met Jensen's gaze with a leveled expression to let him know that I had no problem accepting his challenge._

 _"Excellent," Jensen smirked. "Let's go."_

* * *

"So let me see if I'm following," Riley began, shifting in her seat to rest her elbows on her knees. We had moved locations and were now sitting at one of the couches in Topanga's Bakery. It was after hours, so Riley and I were the only two left in the room. "You, Jensen, and Jessica were headed out to some lake in a stolen school bus fully aware of how much trouble you could get into?"

"I'm not proud of that," I admitted, running a tired hand down my face and slowly raising my eyes to meet hers. "But unfortunately, it gets worse."

"Hit me," Riley sighed, preparing herself for the worst.

"I didn't know this at the time, but Jensen had just caught my father and his mother kissing in the hallway just before the party. He wasn't just fueled by the alcohol or the danger of getting caught - he was fueled by anger and hatred, and even worse - he was fueled by the need to seek revenge."

* * *

 _"Are you sure you should be going with him? He looks a little, I don't know, off?" Zay narrowed his eyes at Jensen from across the room, and I placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder._

 _"He always looks like that," I reminded him. "Besides, if I'm going to be team captain next year, I have to learn from the best don't I? If I'm going to be Jensen Friar next year, then I need to start acting like him don't I?"_

 _"So you need to start acting like you're even more wealthy, privileged, and unpredictable than you already are?" Zay raised his eyebrows at me and I smiled at him in response._

 _"Exactly," I agreed. "I will become the 'Mr. Perfect,' 'Golden Boy,' 'Team Captain' that has made Jensen Haynes such a legend," I joked, and Zay broke out into laughter._

 _"All set, Friar?" Jensen approached, the keys still dangling from his index finger._

 _"Yeah, let me just grab my jacket," I turned around to head back over to the couch where I left my jacket when Jensen called back to me._

 _"And a few more beers!" Jensen shouted as he started heading for the staircase. "If you want to really celebrate with the team captain, you need to do it right!"_

 _"Okay," I rolled my eyes. I slipped my jacket on, and then quickly headed over to the cooler to do as Jensen instructed. As I rounded the corner, I slammed directly into a girl holding a notebook of papers that went flying every which way as we made contact. "Oh, sorry!"_

 _"Oh, no it was my fault," the girl apologized, scrambling to pick up the papers that had flown halfway across the roof. "I'm always this clumsy, believe it or not. You know, I actually think it's gotten worse since I was little. You'd think it would get better, the older I got. But sometimes I just trip on thin air. Seriously, nothing will be in front of me, and there I go, just falling on the ground anyway. Wow, I am talking a lot."_

 _I smiled at the girl, whose face was hidden by the hair that had fallen forward as she bent down to pick up the papers. When she finally stood, I noticed that she looked familiar, but I couldn't place her name._

 _"Hey, you're on the newspaper, aren't you?" I asked, handing her the stray papers that I had collected. "I haven't seen you around here before, have I?"_

 _"Oh, no," she scrunched up her nose like she had just smelled something completely foul. "I'm just here to gather information for an article. For the paper. The paper that I'm a writer for."_

 _"Well, I hope you got what you needed," I smiled. I found something extremely charming about her habit of talking too much and the panicked look she got on her face when she realized she was talking too much. It was refreshing. And beautiful._

 _"Oh, I definitely did," she assured me, stumbling to the side even though there was nothing nearby for her to trip on._

 _"Good," I nodded, starting to back away as the realization that Jensen would probably leave without me if I didn't get out to the parking lot soon set in. "Well it was nice to meet you..."_

 _"Riley," she tucked her hair behind her ear and stood up straighter. "Riley Matthews."_

 _"Riley," I said in almost a whisper. "I'm Lucas."_

* * *

"You were there that night," I mumbled, as the memory finally came back to me. I turned in my seat to look at Riley, but she wouldn't meet my eyes. "That was the first time we met. We had a conversation and I completely forgot about it! Why didn't you ever say anything?"

"Because you clearly didn't seem to remember," Riley told me, pushing herself off the couch and crossing the room to stare into the freezer for something to snack on. "And I was seriously so pathetic. Like beyond pathetic. I wished that I could forget the whole thing too."

"Riley - " I started to say something to comfort her - to tell her that I would have remembered if I could have - but she stopped me before I could go there.

"No, it's okay," Riley assured me, taking out a piece of raspberry cheesecake from the refrigerator and placing it on a clean plate. "Seriously, Lucas, it's not a big deal. Continue with your story - what happened once the three of you were on the bus?"

 _"Tell me again why I'm driving?" I quickly glanced at Jensen, who was sitting in the seat closest to the doors, looking out the window and tapping his foot nervously._

 _"Because Jessica and I have had far too much to drink," Jensen explained, patting Jessica on the knee and smiling up at me. "Plus, this makes your experience more authentic. You wanted to know what it's like to be team captain after we won the state championships right? Well, here you go."_

 _We drove on in silence for a moment, as I followed Jensen's directions. When we took a familiar turn down a street I walked down everyday, I furrowed my brows in confusion._

 _"Why are we going to the school, Jensen?" Jessica asked, recognizing the building we had just pulled up to, even though I could see that she was struggling to sit up straight._

 _"I'm meeting someone," Jensen muttered, giving no more explanation on the matter. "Here, pull into the parking spot right in front there."_

 _I did as he instructed, and turned back to look at him once we were parked safely in front of the building._

 _"Wait here, I need to check on something," Jensen opened the doors to the bus and reached into the cooler in the seat opposite him pull out a beer. He looked at it for a moment before tossing it in my direction. "Here Lucas, have another. You need to catch up my friend."_

 _"But I'm driving," I protested, shaking my head and handing it back to him._

 _"We're parked," Jensen snapped. "Don't be a wuss."_

 _With that, Jensen hopped off the bus and headed in the direction of the school._

* * *

"Before you say anything, I didn't drink it," I hurried to explain myself, already worried that Riley would think I was someone who would drink and drive. "I wasn't that stupid. But I did hold it in my hand to make it look like I had. I just wanted him to think I was worthy of being the next team captain. I don't know why it mattered that much to me, but it did."

"You didn't have to tell me that, Lucas, I knew you couldn't do something like that," Riley placed a hand on my shoulder and I looked up to meet her gaze. "You want to impress Jensen Haynes. You wanted to fit in. Isn't that what we all want?"

"Not you," I shook my head, looking at her intently. "Ever since I met you, you've always known exactly who you are what you've wanted. You were never afraid to be who you already are. Never ashamed of it." I turned away from her pick up a few stray napkins that customers had left on the end table next to me.

"I never liked who I was. Not back then," I stood from the couch and walked over to throw the napkins in the trash bin, before slowly turning back to look in her direction. "Back then I wanted to be what Jensen Haynes was - popular, loved, practically untouchable. And when I got that, I hated my life even more than I did before. But then I met you. And I finally liked who I was. When I'm with you, Riley, I finally feel comfortable with being Lucas Friar. Not Golden Boy. Not Mr. Perfect. Just, Lucas. You make me proud to be who I am."

Riley stood from the couch to join me by the counter, taking my hand in hers and smiling up at me sadly.

"Most days, Lucas, I still have no idea who I am," she admitted, her eyes starting to fill with tears. "I'm so insecure about everything - my writing, living up to my parents' legacy, my schoolwork, my looks. I mean, I can't compete with Merritt Haynes, okay? I can't be her. I'm never going to be her and that terrifies me."

The tears fell faster now, and she turned her cheek away to avoid my gaze. I quickly lifted her chin with my index finger, turning her face back in my direction and wiping a falling tear.

"I don't want Merritt," I asserted, making certain that our eyes were interlocked. "I want you, Riley. I only want you."

"You do?" Her voice sounded so small, so vulnerable and I realized then that I had been turning her into that untouchable, perfect person that Jensen turned me into, in my own head. But she wasn't that girl. She was vulnerable and insecure just like I was. And that was it's own version of perfect.

"I've never wanted anything more in my entire life," I breathed, resting my forehead against hers and closing my eyes. "Except maybe to kiss you right now."

I breathed in deeply, fighting every urge I had to meet my lips with hers. But this wasn't the right time. My moment with her wasn't going to fueled by emotions brought on by the terror that Jensen Haynes has caused. My moment would be my moment. And it was going to be perfect.

"But we need to get through this nightmare first," I explained, taking a step backwards to put some distance between us. "We need to expose the truth about Jensen. Get through homecoming. And then.."

"And then?" Riley pressed, her eyes lighting up expectantly. "What happens after homecoming?"

"I'll guess we'll see, won't we?" I smirked, my heart aching for her. "Anyway, where was I?"

"You guys were parked at the school, Jensen gave you that beer -"

"Right," I nodded, as the memory started to come back to me. "When Jensen got back onto the bus, he was... different. I couldn't clearly read his expression, but it was definitely a mix of frustration and disappointment. But... I think what I noticed more than anything was the resentment in his eyes."

* * *

 _"Hey, did you talk to whoever-" I started to ask, but Jensen cut me off before I could even get the next word out._

 _"Just drive, Lucas," he snapped, taking a seat on a bench further back than before and keeping his gaze locked at the road in front of us._

 _"What?"_

 _"Drive the damn bus," he growled. "We're going to Jessica's house."_

 _"Okay," I muttered, starting to feel even more uneasy about this outing than I had been before._

 _We drove in silence for a few minutes, my eyes shifting from the road to Jessica sitting in the seat slightly behind me, and then back again. She looked like she was asleep, but by the way her fists were clenched and placed firmly on her knees, and the slight rock back and forth she was doing with her body, I knew that she wasn't._

 _"Did you see your dad after the game?" Jensen asked, and I furrowed my brows in confusion._

 _"No, he disappeared from the stands right after the game ended," I explained, looking up at him in the rearview mirror. "Why?"_

 _"Just curious," Jensen replied quickly. There was a long pause before he stood from his seat and made his way to the front of the bus to place one arm along the back of my seat. "Because I couldn't find my mom after the game either, until I bumped into her in the hallway. She was a little preoccupied though, so we didn't have a chance to chat."_

 _"Okay?" I took a moment to take my eyes off the road and shoot him a puzzled look. "Jensen, I don't understand why-"_

 _"Turn right up here," Jensen directed, pointing to the street that led to the highway. "We're going out of the city."_

* * *

"He was testing you," Riley inferred, as she gathered her backpack from behind the counter and making her way to the front door. "To see if you knew about your dad and his mom."

"Yeah," I nodded, holding the door open for her as we stepped out into the cool night air. "And I don't know what I did to make him think this, but he believed without a doubt that I knew. And he hated me for it."

Riley turned around to lock up Topanga's Bakery, before we headed down the sidewalk to in the direction of her apartment.

"But what I don't get is that Jessica was with him when he found my parents in the hallway," I shoved my hands in my jacket pocket and glanced at Riley. "She knew too, but she didn't say anything about it."

"Not even when you were alone in the bus with her?"

"She didn't say a word," I explained. "Which, looking back on it now - that fact alone really should have spoken a thousand words."

"You think he scared her into not saying anything?" A chill went down her spine as the thought of how Jessica must have felt went through her mind.

"I think he just scared her," I explained, stopping to turn and face her as we approached a crosswalk. "Period."

* * *

 _"Park in the back, near the lake," Jensen directed, pointing to the long driveway leading to the back of the house. "Your parents better not be home, Jessica."_

 _"They're in the Hamptons for the week," she assured him, taking a deep breath and standing up straight. She no longer looked like the scared girl curling up in her seat and shutting out the rest of the world. She was the fun-loving Jess that we had always known, once again._

 _"Good," Jensen mumbled, not meeting her gaze. "Why don't you see if there's anything else to drink in the house? We'll meet you by the lake."_

 _"Okay!" Jessica agreed. Her tone was almost too cheerful, like she was relieved to be doing anything she could to please him. "I'll see you out there!"_

 _Jessica made her way into the house, and Jensen and I stepped off the bus to make our way to the rocks near the shoreline of the lake. I bent down to pick up a rock and tossed it back and forth in my hands._

 _"Can you believe we won that game?" I asked, my smile coming across much wider than I'd like to admit."Man, I've been waiting so long to feel something like that, to feel..."_

 _"Like a hero?" Jensen took a step forward, his voice low and his expression leveled. "Trust me, that feeling goes away after you realize what it means. You have to do things for the greater good that you don't necessarily like. You have to fight for what's right - And for what's yours. I mean, you have to do whatever it takes, Lucas."_

 _Jensen took a swig from his beer and tossed it off to the side, where it landed in the grass. He took a few more steps closer to me, his eyes boring into me and making me feel extremely uncomfortable._

 _"Jensen, have you had too much to drink?" I tried to make my voice sound light - like I was making a joke instead of like I was terrified out of my mind._

 _"Tell me, Lucas," Jensen snarled. "Do you think you're ready for that kind of responsibility? Are you ready to sacrifice yourself to be the person that everyone admires? Because it seems like you want my life so badly, I just need to make sure that you know what your getting yourself into."_

 _I stumbled backwards, trying my best to get as far away from him as I could._

 _"What are you talking about?"_

 _"You want my position as team captain? That's fine you can have it," Jensen offered, holding out his hands to side as if to say - what else do you want? "You want to be with the most popular girl in school? Well lucky for you, that's going to be my sister next year, so you've got that going for you too. But my family's wealth and reputation? That you can't have. That belongs to me. Tell your worthless father to stay away from my mother's money."_

* * *

"He thought your dad just wanted his family's money?" Riley took the ice cream cone from the guy behind the counter of the ice cream shop we stopped in, and turned to look at me. "That's why he thinks your dad was having an affair with his mom? But wait - isn't your family just as wealthy?"

"My dad's company was going bankrupt," I explained, licking the melting ice cream that was dripping down the sides. "We were practically losing everything until an anonymous donor made a generous contribution to the company not long before the lacrosse championships that essentially put the company on stable grounds again."

"And Jensen thought that the anonymous donor was his mother," Riley finished for me, and I nodded in response.

"I don't even know how he found out about it to be honest," I shook my head, trying everything I could to solve the mystery that was Jensen Haynes. "But there was more to it than Jensen being afraid that we were going to steal his family's money. There was something in his eyes. I can't explain it really."

"What about Jessica?" Riley took a big bite out of her ice cream cone, and crumbs went flying everywhere. "Did she ever meet you guys back at the lake?"

"See, that's where the story gets... Are you sure you want to hear the rest?"

"Lucas, I told you I wanted to help you," Riley placed a hand on top of mine and I laced my fingers through hers. "That means hearing the whole story."

* * *

 _"So it turns out that my brother had a bunch of friends over last night," Jessica shouted as she made her way down the hill to meet us at the rocks. "They drank the last of the beers. But I did salvage a few wine coolers."_

 _Jessica finished off the bottle she was drinking from and tossed it to the side. She didn't waste another second before opening the other bottle in her hand and taking a sip._

 _"I think you've had enough, Jessica," I told her, as I reached around her to take the bottle from her. She jerked away before I could grab it and stumbled forward."You can barely walk."_

 _"I'm fine, Lucas," Jessica hiccuped, and I reached for her arm in an effort to steady her._

 _"She says she's fine, Lucas," Jensen bellowed from behind us. "Give her the drink."_

 _"Jensen, I'm not entirely sure what your problem is, but you need to back the hell off," I hissed, my voice low and angry. "Now."_

 _"There's the fire!" Jensen shouted, clutching the last of the beers that he brought from the party in his fists. "That's what you need to be me, Lucas. The fire that fuels the demon inside of us. I said it was that need to be a hero before, but I was wrong. There's nothing heroic about this. The hero makes us weak. The demon makes us leaders. Now all we gotta do is let him out."_

 _"Jensen, stop!" Jessica begged, reaching forward to touch his arm._

 _"You stay out of this!" Jensen snapped, pointing an angry finger at her and backing away. "I know you're gonna tell him. You'll do whatever it takes to give him my life. You're gonna tell him what we saw, and it's going to ruin everything!"_

 _Jensen took a few steps closer to me, balancing precariously on the slippery rocks. It was dark, the only light was coming from the house sitting on the hill. Jensen took a sip from his beer and stumbled forward on the rocks._

 _"Jensen, give me the drink, you're going to fall!" I tried to grab it from him, but he jerked away and pushed me backwards._

 _"Come on Lucas, show me who you really are!" Jensen challenged, coming closer and closer, pushing my shoulder, testing me to see what I would do next. Jessica tried to reach around Jensen to take the drink from him, but he swatted her hand away, making her stumble backwards._

 _"Don't touch me!" Jensen shouted, turning to look at her, his eyes blazing._

 _"Jessica, go back up to the house!" I ordered her, wanting her to get as far away from him as possible._

 _"Come on, Friar! Show me!" Jensen tackled me onto the rocks behind us, closer to the shoreline._

 _I didn't see it happen, but I heard it. As Jensen raised his arms to tackle me onto the rocks, his elbow connected with Jessica's jawline and she slipped on one of the rocks, falling backwards into the water._

 _"Jessica, are you okay?" I called out to her. When there was no response, I made the move to peer around Jensen to check on her. She was face down in the water, and I tried my best to scramble to my feet to help her._

 _"Where do you think you're going, Friar?" Jensen pinned me to the ground and I pressed my hand against his face, trying everything I could to break free._

 _"Jessica needs help, Jensen!" I yelled, kicking my feet in the attempt to wiggle my way out of his grip._

 _"You're never going to be me Lucas!" Jensen roared."You're never going to have my life!" Jensen pulled his arm back and used all of his weight to connect his fist with my jaw. My head jerked backwards and connected with one of the rocks. And then there was only silence._

* * *

"After that, everything went black," I explained, leaning against the doorframe of Riley's front door and placing my hands in the pockets of my jeans. "I didn't remember anything about that night until a few weeks later, when I went to visit Jensen and he told me that I was responsible for Jessica's death. All I remembered was that we were both on the rocks with her, she was reaching for a drink in someone's hand, and then she had fallen backwards. But Jensen twisted it to make it look like I pushed her."

"Why would he do that?" Riley questioned, her eyebrows scrunching together to make a small line at the top of her forehead.

"Revenge, I guess," I said in almost a whisper. "But Jensen ended up taking the blame for me for that whole night. The stolen school bus, the alcohol... He didn't get blamed for Jessica's death, though. They ruled that an accident... But, he got kicked out of school. His parents were furious. He basically handed me his life. That's what I don't get."

"He did it so that he would look like the hero in your eyes," Riley explained, her voice low and soft. " He convinced you that it was your fault, then he took the blame - he wanted you to know what a true hero looked like. He'd essentially give you the life that he thought you wanted. The popularity, the wealth, the pretty girlfriend. He wanted you to feel all of that - to feel everything that he gave to you..."

"So that he could take it all away," I finished, as the realization finally set in. "I still don't understand why he wanted to get thrown out of school. Why get sent to Dalton? Why go through all of this just to get back at my family?"

"That's where I come in," Riley announced, standing up straight and smiling confidently at me. "That's what I'm going to find out at the homecoming dance."

"I still don't like this, Riley," I told her, leaning forward and placing a hand on her cheek. "You were listening when I told you that story, right? Jensen? Bad guy."

"Lucas, I don't care," Riley stepped closer, putting her hands on my shoulders and giving me a reassuring smile. "You're worth it to me. You always have been. And once this is over, we can finally be together."

"I like the sound of that," I met her smile, and squeezed her hand before opening the door to let her inside of her apartment.

Jensen Haynes may have been a lot worse than I remembered, but he was still someone I had known for a long time. And he needed help. If Riley had taught me anything, it was that everyone deserves a chance to tell their story. Everyone deserves the chance to get the help they need to be okay again. So that was what I was going to do for Jensen after the homecoming dance. I just hoped that I didn't do anything to put Riley in danger beforehand. Because if that were the case, I don't think I would ever be okay again.


	19. Dancing in the Dark

**Chapter 19:** Dancing in the Dark

 **Riley**

When I was five-years-old, my mother decided that she wanted to sign me up for dance classes at the studio down the street from our apartment. Due to the obvious problem I had with tripping over my own two feet, I wasn't very good. The dance teacher stuck me in the back row and told me to blend in with the rest of the girls, but I never minded because I was too terrified of making a fool of myself. On the day of our first recital, I was so nervous that I begged my parents not to make me go on stage. "I don't want to embarrass myself," I said. My dad got down to my eye-level, put both his hands on my shoulders and whispered in my ear so that only I could hear him, "You are Riley Matthews. You might not have the best shuffle-ball-change in the class, but you have the biggest heart of all the girls on that stage. That shines brighter than anyone with talent. So go out there, smile that beautiful, bright smile of yours, and show them your heart." So I did. And I was terrible. But I never regretted it because it was something I needed to do to prove to myself that I could. Despite the inner voice inside screaming at me not to do it, I did it anyway because I knew it would make me a better person somehow.

As I stood in front of the full-length mirror in my bedroom, I smoothed down my champagne-colored lace dress and tried to choke down those same nerves I felt before stepping onto that stage when I was a little girl. Jensen would arrive any moment, and it took everything I had not to drop my eyeliner and run into my closet to hide for the rest of the evening. The plan that Lucas and I had formulated the night before played on a loop in my head as I applied the finishing touches to my makeup. I glanced down at the time and my stomach did a nervous flip as realization that this was actually about to happen set in.

"You're doing this for Lucas," I whispered to myself, staring intently at the scared girl in the mirror and taking a deep breath. "You're doing this for yourself."

The knock on my bedroom door caused me to jump out of my skin, making me smack the vanity with my elbow and wince in response.

"Come in," I shouted, picking up my rose-colored lipstick and quickly applying it to my lips to make myself look busy.

"Wow."

I met my father's eyes in the mirror. He was looking at me the way fathers look at their daughters about to walk down the aisle on their wedding day. Like I was all grown up, ready to embark on a new journey in my life and he was the one about to let me go.

"What do you think?" I turned around to show him the full look, and raised my eyebrows at him expectantly. "Is it okay?"

"You, uh, um," He fumbled for words, but all that came out was a jumbled mess of nonsense.

"Honey, you look so beautiful." My mother emerged in the doorway, circling around my father to place a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "That date of yours is pretty lucky. What do you think, Cory?"

"Yeah, what she said," my father agreed, but then stopped short as he realized what he was agreeing on. "Wait, a minute. Topanga, are we sure we're going to let our baby girl go to a high school dance with someone we've never met before? Is that good parenting? Because it sounds like really bad parenting."

"Dad, you're going to meet him in just a few minutes," I assured him, grabbing my gold clutch from my nightstand and heading over to the bedroom door. "Besides, he's... he's a good guy."

I had never lied to my parents before. It felt odd, like it was the wrong piece to a puzzle that didn't quite fit. I knew what kind of guy Jensen was, and it was the farthest thing from "good." So why did I lie to them?

"Relax, Cory," my mother rubbed the back of my dad's arm reassuringly as we made our way into the living room. "I trust our daughter. If she says he's a good guy, then I believe her."

I swallowed hard. I hated this. I hated lying to them. But it would all be over in a few hours. _It had to be over in a few hours._

"Yeah, I trust her too," my dad's expression softened only slightly before he turned to my brother with his eyes blazing. "Auggie, bring me my interrogation lamp and lie detector."

"Dad," I protested, shaking my head at Auggie and leaning against the arm of the couch.

My heart nearly jumped out of my chest at the sound of the knocker hitting the large mahogany door, the sound echoing throughout the apartment.

"Okay, he's here," I announced, standing abruptly and ramming my fingernails into the fabric of my clutch.

"Topanga, he's punctual," Cory pointed out, scrunching up his nose in disgust. "That's fishy to me. What teenage boy actually arrives on time nowadays?"

Ignoring my father, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and swung open the door.

* * *

"Your parents are nice," Jensen announced.

He turned his head to smile at me as he adjusted his tie and leaned back into his seat. We were in Jensen's private car on our way to the school, and I still felt as though I was going to jump out of my skin at any given moment. It didn't help that we were stuck in traffic, making it almost impossible for me to hide the fact that my heart was one beat away from jumping out of my chest.

"They're embarrassing," I muttered, fidgeting uncomfortably in my seat. "Oh and sorry about my dad threatening to "try out his wrestling moves" on you if you so much as breathed on me the wrong way. That brought on a whole new level of humiliation that I didn't think was possible."

"No, it's cool," Jensen smiled, nudging me softly with his elbow so that I would meet his gaze. "They care about you. It must be nice to have family that would get so riled up trying to protect you."

As he said this, I noticed that there was a sadness in his eyes that I hadn't seen before. It was almost as if he truly couldn't comprehend what it was like to have parents who cared the way mine did. He had the best clothes, best car, best everything. But he didn't have parents who would interrogate the girl he was going on a date with to see if she was good enough for him.

"I guess. But they go too far sometimes," I explained, starting to feel a little more at ease being alone in the car with him. Lucas had insisted that we take the subway or any other form of transportation that wouldn't leave me alone with the guy we were trying to expose as a liar, but I told him that Jensen would never go for that. He couldn't live without his private car and driver.

"Yeah, my parents know a little bit about going too far," he mumbled, his expression going dark and his eyes drifting to the back of the headrest.

There was a moment of silence in which neither of us knew what to say next. I knew what he was talking about when he said that his parents "went too far," but I couldn't let him know that I knew that. I had to follow the plan. So I changed the subject.

"So, are you excited about seeing all your old friends?" I asked cautiously, curious to see if this would trigger anything in him.

"Yeah," he smiled tightly, trying much too hard to sound enthusiastic. "It should be great. They used to love me there, you know. I was a king!"

It was as if Jensen was doing everything he could to convince himself of this, instead of trying to convince me.

"And now there's a new king," I met his eyes, fully aware that that this could cause him to snap at any moment. "Lucas Friar."

I could see that he was clenching his fists and grinding his teeth together, his best attempt at reigning in his anger. I knew what kind of guy Jensen was now, but there was still part of me that believed he was good. There was still part of me that believed that he didn't want to hurt me in any way. But I couldn't say the same for the way he felt about Lucas.

"Lucas deserves everything he's gotten," Jensen muttered through clenched teeth. "And everything that's coming his way."

A cold chill ran down my spine. I was afraid for Lucas. Genuinely, bone-chillingly afraid. I didn't know what I would do if something were to happen to him. That's why this plan had to work.

"Riley Matthews, did I tell you how beautiful you look this evening?" Jensen smiled that classic sly smile of his and turned in his seat to place a hand on my knee. "All the other girls will be jealous. All the guys will wish they were me. But hey - what's new about that?"

The car finally stopped moving, and the driver cut the engine. I sighed in relief as I peeked out the window to see the high school, with it's front entrance draped in festive streamers and balloons, sitting right in front of us.

"I think we're here," I announced, scooting to the edge of my seat, ready to fling myself out of the car and make my way inside the crowded building.

"Excellent," Jensen rubbed his hands together and hopped out of the car. He turned and held out his hand for me to take it. Reluctantly, I placed my hand in his and stepped out of the car. "Let's get this party started."

* * *

"Maya, you're here!" I shuffled my feet as quickly as I could move in this dress, and made my way over to where Maya was sitting next to the DJ booth in the gymnasium."You look amazing!"

She quickly stood and took my hand, spinning me around and staring at me with wide eyes.

"I look amazing," she scoffed, shaking her head in complete awe. "Riley, you look like a princess! I didn't know that dresses could look that good on another human being. Totally not fair."

"Told you, Matthews," Jensen stepped around me to join the conversation, and Maya raised one skeptical eyebrow at him. "Jealous."

Maya narrowed her eyes, making no effort to hide the less-than-pleasant feelings she had about him.

"Jensen, this is my best friend, Maya," I quickly poked Maya in the side to snap her out of the trance she had fallen into. "Maya, this is Jensen Haynes. Merritt's brother."

"You're the spunky girl who was always begging Coach Morris for an interview last year," Jensen pointed one finger at her and nodded as the memory came back to him.

"You're the spoiled delinquent trying to take advantage of my friend," Maya glared at him, placing her hands on her hips in defiance. "I don't like you."

"Maya!" I protested, and quickly turned to apologize to Jensen. "Excuse her, she has no filter."

 _Remind me to thank you later, Maya._

"She tells it like it is," Jensen shrugged, his lips curling into a small smile. "We need more of that around here. If people would just tell the truth, there wouldn't be any reason to lie or deceive. Everything would play out exactly how it was supposed to - no one would get hurt."

"Right," Maya widened her eyes at me and shook her head quickly. "Well this conversation is getting entirely too uncomfortable. I'm going to find Farkle. And snacks."

"Tell him to come find me later. I want to meet Isadora," I told her as she turned to walk to the other side of the gym.

"Oh she's awesome," Maya assured me, and then turned her attention to Jensen and smirked. "Farkle found himself an awesome date."

"Sorry about her," I muttered, shifting my attention back to Jensen and smiling apologetically.

"Again, she's just being protective," Jensen met my smile and placed a hand on my shoulder. "You have a lot of people who love you Riley Matthews."

Timing is a funny thing. There's good timing, like when you reach for that glass sitting precariously on the edge of the table, just before it makes it's fatal dive to the hardwood floor. There's bad timing, like when you get to your bus stop a second too late, and you're forced to watch the bus that was going to get you to work just in time, pull away without you. And then there's the kind of timing that you know had to be the work of fate. It was too perfect, too unbelievable to be anything but. That's the kind of timing that's rare, but when you get it - you know that it's like magic.

Just as Jensen finished speaking, Lucas emerged at the entrance to the gymnasium. He looked flushed, like he had left in a hurry to get here. He didn't even have to search amongst the crowd of dancing classmates to find me; it was like his eyes were automatically drawn to mine. If I still needed a sign telling me how I felt about Lucas Friar - this was it. That timing - that magical, rare timing that made my heart flutter in my chest, said it all.

"Yeah," I breathed, never taking my eyes off Lucas. "I do."

* * *

"Lucas, I didn't think you were coming in until later," I pulled him into the women's bathroom, and stuck a trashcan in front of the door so no one else could come inside. His eyes remained locked on mine, taking in my long lace dress and more-than-just-a-stitch, makeup.

"My god, you're beautiful," he whispered, shaking his head, completely mesmerized.

"Lucas," I snapped, swatting his arm to pull him back to reality.

"Sorry," he muttered. "Uh - Merritt basically threatened to cut off my left ear if I didn't show up for the crowning of king and queen so I decided I shouldn't risk it and come inside. Plus it gave me an excuse to check in on you two."

"What about the plan?"

"The plan is still happening," Lucas assured me, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms over his chest. "In thirty minutes, you'll lure Jensen out into the hallway where he saw my dad and his mom on the night of the lacrosse championships."

"Right, and I'll get him talking about his parents and what happened that night," I recited the steps that we had practiced over and over again the night before, and Lucas nodded in agreement. "I think he'll talk about it. He trusts me."

"That's what scares me," Lucas mumbled under his breath. "Anyway, you'll have your phone on you, recording every word that he's saying."

"Then you'll come out, and we'll get Jensen to admit that he's been lying to everyone for months about Jessica's death and your parents and the reason he got kicked out of school," I continued, hoping that I wasn't forgetting anything.

"Yeah, and hopefully he'll give us a reason that actually makes sense," Lucas finished, as he nervously chewed at his fingernails.

After a moment of silence, Lucas shook his head at me, and then pushed himself off the counter to pace back and forth in front of one of the stalls. "This is so stupid. We don't even know if Jensen's still planning on doing anything else. So what if he plans on taking back everything he claimed I stole from him? I don't want it anymore. Let him do what he wants. There's nothing else he could do to me that will affect me anymore."

"It's not about that, Lucas," I reminded him, taking a few steps toward him to place a hand on his shoulder. "It's about exposing the truth. And hopefully getting Jensen the help that he needs."

"I just don't want you to get hurt," Lucas placed a hand on my cheek and I leaned into it.

"I'm fine," I smiled reassuringly at him and gestured to my bag. "I've got pepper spray in my fancy gold clutch here that does the trick quite nicely."

"Since when do you carry pepper spray?" Lucas tipped my purse to the side to see what was inside and furrowed his brows in disapproval. I thought that he would find the fact that I had brought pepper spray to a high school dance amusing, but he mostly looked concerned.

"Uh - we live in New York, Lucas. You never know what kind of people-" I scrambled to explain myself, but he cut me off by nudging me lightly in the arm.

"Riley," Lucas frowned, and I sighed as I prepared to explain myself.

"A few weeks ago - the night of your brother's accident actually - some guys cornered me in an alley and basically warned me..." I trailed off, unsure of how to finish that sentence.

"Warned you? Warned you about what?"

"They warned me to stay away from you," I finished, hesitant to meet his eyes.

"He's unbelievable," Lucas spat, his voice rising to a volume that I hadn't heard from him before. "I can't believe he would send those guys to threaten you after I told him I would do what he wanted me to do. I told him not to come near you."

"Who? Jensen?" I asked, hoping that keeping my voice calm would prompt Lucas to do the same. "Lucas, what are you talking about?"

"He's gone too far," Lucas announced, pushing past me to place a hand on the door handle. "This ends tonight. All of it. He's gone too long thinking he's some demigod allowed to do whatever the hell he wants and hurt whoever he pleases. Well it's over. Jensen Haynes is done hurting me. He's done hurting my family - And he's done hurting the people I love."

* * *

Just as Lucas and I had planned, I told Jensen that I wouldn't mind taking a walk to get some air. Like we had anticipated, Jensen had insisted that he come with me. He and I started down the path towards the hallway that Lucas' dad and Jensen's mom shared the infamous kiss that essentially set this whole nightmare in motion.

"You know, you never told me why you left," I began, hoping that my voice didn't sound as shaky as I felt on the inside.

"I thought everyone knew," he scoffed, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets and glancing at me sideways. "Jensen Haynes: lacrosse hero turned delinquent screw-up. It was all anyone could talk about for awhile there."

"You don't seem to be upset about it," I pointed out. "You were forced to leave the life you had been building for three years. That couldn't have been easy. And not to mention the terrible accident where you lost-"

"Don't mention Jessica," Jensen snapped so abruptly that I had to take a step backwards to steady myself. "Don't go there."

 _There it is. There's the trigger._

"Sorry," I mumbled, tucking my hair behind my ears and trying a different approach. "I'm just saying that your life was turned upside down. Like you said earlier tonight - you were a king. And to lose all of that? It had to be hard."

"I'm used to being the one who messes up," Jensen shrugged. "My parents are used to it. They wouldn't expect anything less than me stealing a school bus and getting drunk somewhere outside the city. It's typical Jensen. It's expected."

I led Jensen to the right, and we were suddenly in the hallway that we needed to be in. I took a deep breath, and began the conversation that could change everything.

"Do you get along with your parents?" I asked cautiously, adjusting my phone in my purse to make sure that it was picking up everything that he was saying.

"No," Jensen said almost too quickly. "They've never done anything to show that they've cared about me, other than give me whatever I wanted. And I know how that sounds - like a spoiled rich kid sad that he didn't get the right kind of car for his 16th birthday. But it's so much more than that."

"You wanted to show them that you were worth something," I mumbled, finishing his thought for him.

"But then I went and got thrown out of school, didn't I?"

Jensen looked up suddenly, as he was just now realizing where we were. I could see the recognition wash over his face almost immediately.

"My parents are hypocrites you know," Jensen snarled, banging his fist against one of the lockers so that the sound echoed throughout the hall. "They preach to me about making good choices and following a path that's straight and narrow or some bull crap like that. But they're worse than I am. There are so many other people who are worse than I am... Anyway, that doesn't matter anymore. I have a feeling that we'll be seeing eye-to-eye very soon."

And that's when I realized - Jensen wanted his parents to see how much worse Lucas could be compared to how Jensen had ever been. When the time came, he was going to reveal that Lucas was responsible for Jessica's death. He had it in his mind that showing the world how terrible Lucas Friar was, would give his mother a reason to stay with their family.

"Jensen, you and Lucas Friar..."

I trailed off as the two guys that appeared at the end of the hallway caught my eye. Jensen looked up to meet their gaze, and I knew immediately that they were the two who had cornered me in that alleyway the night of Holden Friar's accident.

"Jensen," one of them addressed him, his voice low and deep. "Everything's set up."

Jensen quickly turned to me, rubbing the back of his neck nervously and placing a shaky hand on my shoulder.

"Riley, there's something I have to take care of," Jensen explained, his voice sounding much-too-apologetic. "Why don't you go back inside, talk with your friends. I'll be right back."

"Wait, where are you going?" I asked urgently, reaching out to tug at his arm in an effort to get him to stay. We weren't done with the plan. Lucas still had to -

 _Where was Lucas?_

"Something I've been waiting to do for a long time," Lucas said coldly, already turning away from me to head towards his friends. "I'll be back, I promise!"

I had a terrible feeling. Whatever Jensen was about to do, it wasn't good. And the fact that I couldn't find Lucas anywhere made the nerves I had felt at the start of the evening seem like nothing compared to how I was feeling in that moment.

* * *

"Have you seen Lucas?" I frantically tugged at Maya's dress, meeting her in the middle of the dance floor as she moved along to the beat with Farkle and Isadora.

"No, he disappeared a while ago," she explained, holding out a plate in front of my face and smiling widely. "Hey have you tried this cake? It's the best thing I've ever tasted in my entire life."

"I have to find him," I ignored her, searching the crowd for Lucas. I would have given anything to feel that pull towards him that I felt when he arrived in the gym earlier. I would have given anything to experience that rare, magical timing again. But all I felt was fear as the search for Lucas came up short.

"What's going on? You seem spooked," Maya pointed out, swaying her hips to the music and licking the icing from the cake off of her fork. "Doesn't she seem spooked?"

"There is a spook-like twinkle in your eye," Isadora pointed out, and Farkle nodded in agreement.

"Do you remember where he disappeared to?" I asked, my eyes pleading with them.

"Probably to get ready for his big debut as homecoming king or -" Maya joked, but I grabbed her arm out of desperation, my eyes starting to fill with worried tears.

"Maya!" I snapped, my voice coming off much louder than I had intended it to.

"Whoa," Farkle muttered from behind us.

"I just need to know where he went, okay?" I quickly explained myself, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible.

"He was headed into the courtyard about thirty minutes ago," Maya explained, her eyebrows knitting together as recognition settled into her eyes. "Wait, didn't we have a very similar conversation to this one just a few weeks ago?"

"Yes," I shouted, already taking a few steps backwards to head out of the gymnasium. "And it didn't end well."

* * *

"Lucas!" I called, as I barged through the doors to the courtyard. "Lucas are you out here?"

I searched behind bushes, the brick wall, trees - every nook and cranny that I could crawl behind. But the courtyard wasn't very big. And Lucas wasn't here. I was about to give up when I heard a booming voice from behind me.

"Riley."

I spun around to see Jensen, with his hands placed firmly behind his back and his expression blank, taking slow, even steps towards me. He didn't look surprised to see me there. In fact, he looked as though he expected it.

"Uh, Jensen," I fumbled to explain myself. "Um. They're looking for Lucas in the gym - something about announcing king and queen soon. Have you seen him?"

Jensen came around one of the picnic tables to stand under the streetlamp at the entrance to the alleyway leading out of the courtyard. The light shining down on him exposed a menacing quality to his look that I hadn't seen before and a cold chill ran down my spine.

"Did you know that I was homecoming king last year?" Jensen asked, placing a steady hand on the base of the lamp and looking up at the moths fluttering above him as they struggled to reach the light. "It wasn't even a contest, really. I won in a landslide. See, people loved me here, Riley."

Jensen took one step closer to me, and I took one step back, terrified of the crazed look he had in his eyes.

"What most people don't realize is that they need someone like me in high school. Someone to be the hero; someone to look up to and strive to become," Jensen explained, wringing his hands together in front of his chest. "They need a leader. They need me. Not Lucas Friar. My mom needs my father. Not Lucas' dad. I needed to show them that. I needed to show you that."

"Jensen, where is Lucas?" My voice shook as I struggled to steady my nerves. As we stepped out from under the streetlamp, it suddenly became so dark that I had to reach out for a nearby tree to hold onto so I wouldn't trip.

"You know, I was hoping that for once someone would be on my side instead of the great almighty Lucas Friar's. I thought that would be you, Riley. But I was wrong," Jensen confessed. "And you know, I knew it the entire time. I wanted to show you want kind of guy Lucas was, but you never gave me the chance. So I guess I'll show you now."

The brick wall to the left side of the building suddenly came to life with a projection of a lake. It looked like it was shot from a nearby security camera on the hill and I furrowed my brows in confusion.

"What is this, Jensen?"

"This is what I'm going to show my parents, Lucas' parents, the school, to convince them that Lucas Friar doesn't deserve my life," Jensen hissed, gesturing to the projection with one hand. "I mean I went as far as getting kicked out of this school and enrolling in Delinquent Academy to prove that to everyone."

"Why?"

"I needed the surveillance footage of the lake behind Jessica's house," Jensen explained. "And there was only one person that I knew of who could get it for me. And he was a student at Dalton Academy."

"That's all?" I scoffed, starting to feel thoroughly unimpressed with his 'evil plan.' "You went through all of that to get a tape? A tape of footage that will prove that you're the one who made Jessica fall into the water, not Lucas?"

"Look at the time stamp," Jensen smirked, pointing to the corner of the projected image.

"November 16th," I muttered as I leaned forward to read what he was gesturing towards. "That's today's date."

"So she is as smart as they say she is!" Jensen exclaimed, clapping his hands together and smiling widely. "If I can't prove that Lucas is the person I say he is with the old footage, we're going to create some new footage."

"What?" My blood ran cold as the possibility of what this would entail ran through my mind.

"Let's go see your boyfriend, Matthews."

With that, Jensen's friends from the hallway came at me from both sides to place a blindfold over my eyes. What came next was darkness. And then movement. And that same fear I felt as a little girl before stepping onto the stage. But this time, my father wasn't there to give me the courage I needed to push through the fear. So it lingered. And I shut my eyes, even though it was already dark, because I was afraid of what I would see when I opened them.


	20. Free Fallin'

**Chapter 20:** Free Fallin'

 **Lucas**

The night before Holden's accident, I had one of the dreams where I felt like I was falling down a rabbit hole. It seemed like I was suspended in the air for an eternity, until I was jolted awake seconds before I hit the ground. I woke up that morning knowing that it wasn't going to be a good day. I didn't know how or why, I just knew that something was going to happen that would cause me to feel like I did the second before I landed onto the pavement in my dream. And I was right. When I found out that my little brother had been in an accident, it felt like I was free falling into nothingness and I was due to hit the ground any moment. But I didn't. Because Riley was there to pull me back before I got that far. She was my jolt awake.

I had another one of those dreams the night before the homecoming dance. Same feeling, except this time as I craned my neck to the right, I could see Riley falling next to me. She looked calm, almost as if she had known all along that she was meant to be there, making this descent with me. I tried to reach for her, but the second I did, she started falling faster. She fell through clouds, past mountains, until I could see water approaching as we got closer to the ground. I called out her name just as she hit the water and then -

"Riley!" I sat up quickly in my bed, my heart beating fast and a bead of sweat dripping off my forehead.

It took me a few seconds to realize that I was in my bedroom, safe and sound, and Riley was not with me. I immediately grabbed my phone off the nightstand and messaged her, my fingers shaking as they touched the screen.

 ** _Are you okay?_** I asked, the image of Riley falling towards the water flashing through my mind as I waited for her response.

 _ **A little tired - couldn't sleep much.**_ She responded, and I couldn't help but sigh in relief.

 _ **Yeah, me either. But you're alright?**_ I just wanted to hear it from her. I wanted her to confirm that she was okay and in no danger of any kind.

 _ **I'm fine Lucas. You don't need to worry about me.** _ I could almost hear her sigh as she sent me that message, once again annoyed at my ability to be overprotective.

 ** _I'm afraid that I do worry about you, Riley Matthews._** I admitted, hoping that she would find this endearing rather than borderline stalker-like behavior. About a minute passed, and I was starting to get worried that I had freaked her out or driven her away, but just as quickly as the paranoia set in, my phone vibrated in my hands at her incoming text message.

 _ **I'll see you tonight.**_ I sighed as I read her response and was just about to set my phone on my nightstand and go back to sleep when another message popped up on the screen. _**By the way... It's nice to be worried about sometimes. Thank you.**_

I smiled to myself as I clicked off my phone and tossed it onto my bed. As I got ready for the day, I tried everything I could to swallow that bad feeling that was brought on by my dream, but I never could. It lingered as I made my way to the homecoming dance, stepped into the auditorium, and saw Riley standing next to Jensen, and it never went away. In fact, it only grew with each step that we took in the plan to reveal the truth about Jensen Haynes. But the moment that I knew that the bad feeling wasn't just a feeling after all - that was when I became terrified. That was when I knew that Riley and I were in way over our heads. And we were in trouble.

* * *

I was huddled behind a set of lockers closest to the hallway where Riley was supposed to lead Jensen. This was where my father and Jensen's mother were seen kissing the night of the homecoming championships. And this was where I was going to confront Jensen about everything that he had done this past year once and for all. This was where it was all going to end.

I peeked my head around the lockers just in time to see Riley and Jensen walking slowly around the corner into the hallway. I needed to wait until they got close enough, and Riley brought up Jensen's parents before I could intervene. The truth was that I just wanted to get her out of there as soon as possible. I turned my head away from the hallway to see the two guys who threw me into the dumpster pinning a poster to the bulletin board near the back entrance of the school. Assuming it was nothing, I ignored them, and turned my attention back to the task at hand.

"He pushed her into the water," I heard one of them saying at the end of the hall. "And then walked away like it was nothing."

"Yeah, and he let Jensen Haynes take the blame for all of it," the other one spat, glancing up to see if I was listening to them. "Some leader that is. Is this who they want as their team captain?"

"And now he's going to do the same thing to that tutor of his," he shook his head solemnly, and then looked up to smirk in my direction. "Poor girl. Didn't stand a chance with Lucas Friar. Now she's going to end up just like Jessica at the bottom of the lake."

"Hey!" I stormed down the hallway towards Jensen's two lackeys, but they slipped through the door just as I reached the bulletin board they were crowded around.

I quickly searched the board to see that the poster they had pinned was a flyer promoting the homecoming championships last year. I angrily slammed my hand against the wall and ripped off the poster, bursting through the doors to follow them in one swift motion.

"Do you think this is funny?" I yelled into the empty parking lot, my eyes searching frantically for any sign of movement. "Do you even know who Jensen Haynes is?"

I couldn't see anything. The street lamps had been cut off in this area, so I was relying on all of my senses to find the two guys that had put up the poster.

"He's a liar!" My voice echoed off the brick walls, and I spun around towards the school as I heard a noise coming from the bushes. "He's just manipulating you! He's just - "

Before I could even finish my sentence, one of of the guys grabbed me by the arms from behind and I struggled to fight his grip. The other one sauntered towards me from the other direction, a piece of cloth in one hand, and what looked like a zip tie in the other.

"It's time you got what you deserved, Friar," the tall one with the long hair, growled, reaching around me to restrain my hands and tie the blindfold around my eyes. "Let's go!"

I was being lifted in the air and moved forward before I could do anything to stop it. This felt exactly like when I got tossed into the dumpster, except this time, it felt like I was being transported somewhere instead of being thrown into something.

"What are you doing?" I demanded to know, trying to wriggle my hands free from the restraint. "Hey, let go of me, I have to - Riley!"

I heard the sound of a car starting, and one of the guys lifted me into the vehicle. He pushed me into one of the seats, and left me alone as he hopped back out of the car.

"You'll see her soon enough, Friar," he promised, his voice taunting me with every word. "We're taking a little trip into your past. Buckle up."

With that, he slammed the door shut, and moved around the vehicle to hop into the passenger seat. As the car began to move, I knew exactly where we were going. I couldn't see anything, but I felt it. We were going back to the lake where Jessica Evans had drowned last year. And I didn't know how, but Jensen was going to bring Riley into this. I only hoped that I could stop them before she met the same fate that Jessica did.

* * *

"Untie me!" I struggled to free my hands from the zip tie and felt their hands on my elbows as they dragged me out of the car. "You're all a bunch of cowards! If you're going to tie me up and bring me to a lake in the middle of nowhere, you can at least let me see it!"

"Shut up, Friar," the driver spat, moving ahead of me to unlatch what sounded like a gate in front of us. "Kyle, would you shut him up? Jensen will be here any minute with our special guest."

"I swear, if you do anything to her I'll -" I was so angry that my cheeks felt like they were on fire, and the guy who was holding onto my elbow stopped abruptly to turn me in his direction.

"You'll what?" Kyle scoffed. "Push us in the water too? Like you did to Jessica Evans?"

"He really has you guys brainwashed doesn't he?" I mumbled, shaking my head in utter disbelief. "If you only knew the truth."

"We know everything that we need to know," the other one, whose name I had yet to hear, assured me. "We know that Jensen is the real leader here. He's the hero - the martyr. You're the guy who stole his life, and killed his girlfriend."

"Rick, he's here," Kyle called from behind us. He had dropped me off with the guy that I now knew as Rick, and ran back in the direction that we had come from.

"Looks like it's showtime, Friar," Rick informed me, reaching behind me to grab ahold of the blindfold and letting it drop from my eyes.

It took a few seconds for me to adjust to my surroundings, but once I did, I knew that my suspicions were confirmed. We were at the lake behind Jessica Evans' house, and my fear that Jensen was bringing me back to the night of the lacrosse championships was coming true. Everything looked the same, except instead of being at the bottom of the hill near the shoreline, we were at the top, positioned near a drop off that served as a mini cliff looking out over the water.

"Well, well," I heard a voice say from behind me. I spun around to see Jensen leaning against a white van parked in the grass right in front of us. Kyle was standing next to him with one of his hands on the backdoor handle. "Deja vu, am I right, Lucas? Some good memories we had here, huh? Hang on, we're missing something. I thought that since you just couldn't stay away from her, and that she seemed to be so much more important to you than my sister, I'd bring along your little girlfriend for a visit."

Kyle threw open the door to the van and dragged Riley out onto the grass, her hair sticking to her cheeks from the tears that had been streaming down her face.

"Riley!" I called out to her, my heart jumping into my throat at the sight of her in such distress.

"Relax, Friar," Jensen smirked, taking a few steps closer to Rick and me at the edge of the drop-off. "I'm not going to hurt her. I just want to have a little chat."

"Jensen, let go of her," I demanded, trying to move towards him, but was stopped by Rick's hand planted firmly on my chest. "Do whatever you want to me, just please let her go."

"Not until we've cleared some things up," Jensen gestured for Kyle to bring Riley forward, and he obeyed him just like a dog obeys his owner.

"Untie her first," I ordered, my voice remaining calm and steady. Jensen met my gaze with a leveled expression for a moment, as if he was contemplating whether or not to oblige my demands.

"Fine, since it seems like Mr. Team Captain is running the show here, do what he says," Jensen gestured for Kyle to cut Riley free, and he did so without so much as a hesitation.

"Now, it seems like we need to get our stories straight, doesn't it Lucas?" Jensen grabbed Riley's arm, and led her closer to me, and I could see that her eyes were full of panic. "You say that I pushed Jessica into the water, right? I was in an angry rampage trying to attack you, and I knocked Jessica into the water in the process. But why would I be in such a blind fit of rage, that I would be more worried about hurting you than saving my own girlfriend?"

Jensen raised his eyebrows at me, but I simply averted my eyes to meet Riley's gaze. I didn't need to explain myself to him. I knew the truth. And if Riley had gotten the audio clip that we needed in the hallway, everyone in Jensen's life would know too.

"You were jealous," Riley stated simply, turning her head to look him straight in the eyes. "You were scared that Lucas was stealing the life you've worked so hard to build. The life that made you special. You were trying to protect what you thought was rightfully yours."

"Now, why would I be jealous of Lucas Friar?" Jensen scoffed, shaking his head at Riley like she had just said the most ridiculous thing that he had ever heard in his entire life.

"You thought that I knew about our parents' affair," I chimed in, the fear starting to dissipate as I caught on to what Riley was trying to do. "You thought that I was trying to wreck your perfect life and weasel my way into your family."

"That's why you were so angry that night," Riley continued, smiling at me confidently before turning her attention back to Jensen. "You were afraid that Lucas was going to be a better Jensen Haynes than you were."

"Wow," Jensen laughed humorlessly, clapping his hands together slowly as he switched his gaze between Riley and myself. "Sounds like you've got it all figured out. But you forgot to factor in one little detail."

Jensen turned towards Riley, locking in on her gaze as if he wanted her and her alone to hear what he had to say.

"Lucas was the jealous one. He was terrified that he was never going to be as good as I was at anything that he did. He was never going to be the team captain or the leader that this school needed. He was never going to be good enough to be a part of my family. If I wasn't , then surely Lucas Friar couldn't be. That's why he was the one who attacked me. That's why he pushed Jessica into the water. He wanted to strip me of the life that I had always known."

I scoffed at this, but he simply ignored me and continued on with his speech. He turned his attention back to me and started to walk even closer, leaving Riley a little bit behind him.

"But I took the blame for you because I believed that you could have a second chance to prove me wrong. To prove that you were worthy of being the leader that I used to be. But instead, you proved me right. By cheating on my sister. By making a mockery of the lacrosse team. By needing a tutor to pass 11th grade English? Come on Lucas."

Jensen knitted his eyebrows at me in complete awe, and I quickly averted my eyes to stare at the ground.

"Now I get to prove it to everyone else."

"That's crazy, Jensen," Riley told him, taking a cautious step closer to me.

"There's no way anyone's ever going to believe that," I agreed, wanting so badly to pull her to my side and bolt in the opposite direction.

"They will," Jensen assured us, stepping around both of us to stand near the edge of the drop-off that looked out over the water. "When they see that you were willing to repeat the horror that the entire school went through a year ago with Jessica. They'll believe me when they see that you were willing to put another person in danger to fulfill your personal vendetta against me."

"What are you talking about?" I muttered, my voice low and full of anger.

"I think you know what I'm talking about," Jensen whispered, his eyes shifting from Riley, to the water directly below us, and back to me.

"No way," I shook my head, finally starting to catch on to what he wanted me to do. "There's no way, Jensen! Do whatever you want to me, but leave Riley out of this. You can't make me do this. You know that I would never do this. I would never push her."

"See, I never said that you had to push her," Jensen reminded me. "It just has to look like you did."

Jensen signaled for Kyle to grab Riley from behind and he brought her towards the edge of the drop off.

"Jensen, no!" I protested, twisting and turning my wrists in the zip tie, sure that I would have a blister the next day, but desperate to do what I could to save Riley. "Riley!"

"Lucas, it's okay," Riley promised, tears falling onto her cheeks as she did her best to smile at me reassuringly. "I'm going to be okay."

"Brave girl," Jensen praised her, coming around me to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. "See, I knew I liked you. And I do, Riley. But the world needs to know what kind of guy Lucas Friar is once and for all. Besides, there's a good chance that you'll be fine. The drop isn't very far, and I'm assuming you're a good swimmer. It's just a matter of avoiding the rocks. So what do you say, Lucas? Ready to recreate the night that changed all of our lives?"

"Jensen, please," I begged, taking a step forward so that I was directly in front of him. "I'm begging you, okay? Just let her go. She doesn't deserve to be wrapped up in any of this. She's the best person I've ever known. She saved me. I was so close to becoming you, but she saved me from that. She's the real hero. She's my hero."

"Oh please, you barely know her," Jensen spat, rolling his eyes and grabbing Riley by the arm to scoot her closer to the edge.

"I do know her," I assured him, my eyes pleading with him to understand. I quickly turned my gaze to Riley and smiled sadly at her. "I know her better than anyone. She's not someone on that list of people I may know, she's someone that I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I do know. I know her. And I'm completely, totally, irrevocably in love with her."

For just a moment, Riley and I were the only ones on that hill by the lake. We were the only two people on the entire planet. I could have lived in that moment for the rest of my life, and I would have been happier than I've ever been.

"How sweet," Jensen mocked, snapping us back to reality. "But we're wasting time. Jessica's brother said that the camera only runs until midnight, and then it resets. So if we're going to do this, we need to do it now."

"Wait, Jessica's brother?" Riley furrowed her brows in confusion for what seemed like an eternity, until finally her expression changed as realization hit her. "He's the student at Dalton Academy that you needed to help you get the footage from the night of the championships. He's the one who has access to the security camera."

Jensen glanced up at the house quickly, although I had heard from Merritt that Jessica's parents had moved upstate and her brother was staying with their uncle closer to the city, so I knew that no one was home.

"He agrees that Lucas should get what he deserves for being responsible for what happened to his sister," Jensen explained, glancing up at me and frowning solemnly. Rick came running down the hill from the house, and I realized at that moment that I hadn't even noticed that he had left.

"We're all set, Jensen," Rick announced, and Jensen clapped his hands together excitedly.

"Let the games begin," Jensen smirked, handing Riley off to Kyle and circling around me so that we were face to face. Before I knew what had happened, Rick had cut me loose from the zip tie and Jensen was lunging towards me, fists in the air, ready for the fight to end all fights.

"Wait!" Riley protested, nudging Kyle in the stomach and shuffling her feet to stand between us. "Jensen, you're not responsible for your parents splitting up."

"What?" Jensen dropped his fists, and looked up at her in surprise. I had to admit that I hadn't seen that coming either, but it definitely got Jensen's attention.

"I've listened to you these past few weeks," Riley told him, her eyes full of concern and honesty. "I don't think you're a bad guy. And I don't think your parents should treat you like you are. Like you're worthless. Because you're not worthless, Jensen. And you can't be the cause of the decision that they made on their own. They're the adults. This is their fault."

"Shut up," Jensen hissed, his eyes shining wildly at her in the moonlight. Riley ignored him and stepped even closer.

"Jensen, you felt like Lucas was taking over your life and you panicked. You needed to be team captain, Mr. Popular, all of those other things to prove to your parents that you were worth something to them. That you were worth being a member of the Haynes family," Riley explained, and I held my breath as she stepped right in front of him. "So when things went the way that they did the night of the lacrosse championships, you saw that as an opportunity to prove that to them. To prove that Lucas Friar was so much worse than you could ever be. And to give your parents a reason to stay together."

"You don't know what you're talking about," Jensen snapped, and I was terrified that he was going to grab her by the arm and toss her into the water himself right there.

"I know that you didn't mean to hurt Jessica," Riley hurried to explain this to him, as she was starting realize that he was beginning to lose his patience. "And I know that the reason you're doing this is partly because you feel guilty, but this isn't the answer, and I think you know that. I also don't think you want to hurt me or to get Lucas in trouble. I know this because I'm on your side Jensen."

"What?" Jensen looked up in complete surprise, and I thought that he was going to cry with the way that his eyes were glimmering as he stared at her.

"I know that you think everyone is against you," Riley explained, and I could see that Jensen's facial expression was starting to soften just a little. "But I believe in you. And I'm on your side."

That's when Jensen lost it. The tough, vindictive, manipulative Jensen Haynes that we were trying to tear down tonight, had finally given in. We had broken him. And we had won.

"How could you possibly be on my side after everything I've done?" Jensen scoffed, his face falling and his entire body going limp as he let the emotions of the past year take over. "That night I tried to get Lucas expelled by taking him to the school in the stolen school bus. I practically forced him to hold the beer in his hand as I waited for the principal to leave his office to go home. But he had left early, so my plan had completely failed. And that just made me so angry. That's when something just snapped, and I couldn't see straight."

"I know," Riley soothed, reaching out to place a cautious hand on his shoulder. "But it's okay. We can get you help. We can talk to your parents and-"

"No!" Jensen yelled, and Riley quickly drew her hand back, afraid that she had gone too far. "They're never going to understand me, don't you get that? That's why I had to do all of this. To show them that I'm worth more than what they've given me credit for. That I am the hero that they need me to be."

"There are other ways to prove that to them, Jensen," Riley reminded him, bringing her hand back up to his arm and rubbing it up and down reassuringly. "Just give us a chance to help you show that to them, okay?"

"You're on my side?" Jensen asked, vulnerability written in his expression.

"I'm on your side," Riley promised, moving her hand from his shoulder to hold it out in front of him. He looked at it for a moment, as if he wasn't sure what to do with it, until he finally took her hand in his. She smiled at him in relief, and I thought that it was finally over. That's when I heard a whole heard of cars coming to a screeching halt at the top of the driveway.

"Riley!" Came a voice from behind us, and we all turned around to see Maya Hart, Farkle Minkus, and his date Isadora come barreling down the hill with flashlights in their hands. I could tell by the footsteps coming from behind them that they were not alone.

"Lucas, are you guys okay?" Zay appeared next to them, along with my parents, Jensen's parents, and a whole team of police officers.

"What is this?" Jensen snapped, turning to Riley with questioning eyes.

"I, uh -" Riley fumbled for an explanation, as she protectively covered up the small pocket on the right side of her dress with her hand.

"You had your phone on you, didn't you?" Jensen removed her hand from her dress to reveal the silver corner poking out of the top of the pocket.

"Jensen, it's over," I told him, placing a hand on his chest in an effort to push him away from her. "Like Riley said, we can help you."

"No, she's a liar!" Jensen accused, pushing past me to come entirely too close to Riley's face."She doesn't believe in me. That's why she called them. She's not on my side. Nobody is on my side. It's all about you!"

Jensen turned on his heel to point in my direction. It never occurred to me how close to the edge they were. I was on the side closest to the house, but Riley and Jensen near the side facing the water.

"Jensen, calm down," I begged him, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible.

"I thought that you were different," Jensen mumbled, looking at Riley with sadness in his eyes. "But you're just like all of them. You betrayed me!"

In one swift motion, Jensen closed the space between them and pushed her backwards. My eyes went wide, and my heart jumped out of my chest as I scrambled to the edge after her.

"Jensen, no!" I reached for her, hoping that I could grab an arm or even the end of her dress, but I came up short and she went flying off the edge of the drop-off. "Riley!"

Time stopped. I watched Riley falling, the lace fabric of her dress flying forward, the wind started to pick up as the storm approached. I was immediately reminded of my dream and the image of Riley falling next to me popped into my mind, causing my heart to race in my chest. For anyone else, this jump would have been fine. Like Jensen said, the drop wasn't very far, and as long as you avoided the rocks, you would have been fine. But Riley confessed to me a long time ago that she was afraid of the water. Oceans, rivers, lakes, even swimming pools. And because of this, she never learned to swim.

As the storm started to pick up, making the water that much more treacherous, I didn't even have to think twice. I took the two long strides forward, and jumped, wishing with everything I had that I could be jolted awake just like in my dream, so that I was safe in my bedroom with Riley right there with me.


	21. Learning to Fly

**Note: There will be 4 more parts after this one! So 25 parts in total! Thank you for sticking with this story for so long! 3**

 **Chapter 21:** Learning to Fly

 **Riley**

Growing up, I was never one to romanticize what it was like to fly like the rest of the children my age. Whenever my parents took me to the park, I would see girls and boys pretending to be super heroes, wearing their makeshift capes made of towels or blankets, jumping off benches or tall rocks, imagining that they were suspended in the air for longer than just a millisecond. But that kind of thing never interested me. I always liked having my feet planted firmly on the ground. I liked being able to look up at the clouds and dream about what it would be like to touch them, instead of actually doing it. The appeal was in the dream for me, not the reality.

And because I never grasped the idea of flying, the thought of falling was even more of a foreign concept. Falling never even crossed my mind. What it would be like to feel your stomach drop as you made that fatal descent to the ground. To feel the wind in your hair and your clothes like it was shooting right through you. Those were feelings that I didn't think were possible.

So regardless of how I felt about flying, I could tell you, without a doubt, that I would choose it over falling in a heartbeat.

* * *

The water was cold, so cold that I couldn't feel my hands or feet as I struggled to stay above the surface. The water on this lake was usually so still, but it was angrily rocking back and forth as the wind started to pick up from the storm rolling in. I felt water enter my mouth almost immediately and the little seed of panic that was planted when I first hit the water was starting to grow it's way into the pit of my stomach. I vaguely remembered hearing voices calling my name, their tones desperate and more panicked than even I was at the moment. It was so dark. And so cold. And as my arms started to get get heavy as the tiredness set in, I wished with everything I had that I had the ability to fly out of the water and land safely on the ground.

I heard a splash coming from somewhere in front of me and it didn't occur to me in that moment, that it was someone coming to save me. I never really thought of myself as someone who needed saving before. I was so used to being stable Riley Matthews; the girl with no problems of her own who never needed to be saved, but as my lungs began to fill with water and it became harder and harder for me to stay above the surface, I realized that I was that person now.

"Riley!"

It was Lucas. I couldn't see him over the rapidly moving water, but I could hear that it was his voice. I wanted to call out to him, but the pool of water that lingered in my mouth after my head went under the surface stifled any sound that made any attempt to come out.

"Riley, hold on I'm coming! Keep kicking your feet! Try to stay above the surface!"

I did as he instructed, but it felt as if something was pulling me under. The more I tried to kick my way to the surface, the harder it was for me to stay there. I took a deep breath and stuck my head underwater to see what was tugging me further down. I opened my eyes to see that the hem of my dress was caught under a sharp rock close to where I landed in the water. I tugged as hard as I could, but it wouldn't budge. I lifted my head up just in time to see Lucas swimming furiously towards me.

"Riley, it's okay I'm going to get you out of here. Just, hold onto my shoulders."

He swam around me and gestured for me to grab onto his back, but I couldn't move.

"I'm... stuck... my dress," I struggled to explain as the water continued to fill my mouth with every word.

"You're dress is stuck," he deciphered my jumbled explanation and scrambled to peek around me to see what was pulling me down. "Okay, I'll get it, just keep your head above the surface,"

I nodded as best I could and strained my neck upwards as he swam to the corner of the rock where my dress was caught. I felt Lucas tugging and pulling, but I was struggling to stay above the water. I was just so tired. I fought with everything I could until I felt a slight tug near bottom of my leg. Lucas freed my dress from underneath the rock, but I couldn't hold on any longer. Everything was going black. I tried to open my eyes, but it was as if they were glued shut, and any effort I gave to free them was pointless. I wanted to open my eyes. I wanted to fly. But all I felt was that feeling of falling into nothingness again. And all I could see in front of me was darkness.

* * *

"Riley, open your eyes!"

He sounded so far away. Like we were in separate rooms on the opposite sides of the world. I wanted to reach out to him, but it was like there was a transparent wall blocking my way to him. It fell heavily on my head like a hazy black veil, and I tried with everything I could to rip it away.

"Come on, don't do this," Lucas' voice was panicked, desperate, and I felt pressure on my chest as his voice started to come closer and closer. "Open your eyes!"

I felt him hovering over me. I felt his longing for me to meet his gaze and I struggled to do just that as the pressure on my chest started to grow. It felt like my lungs were on fire and I used every ounce of strength I had left to push past the darkness that was surrounding every part of me.

"Please," he begged, and I started to see blurry images of trees and the night sky surrounding me as my eyes fluttered open just the slightest bit. "Riley!"

It happened so abruptly, like a jolt of energy piercing through my chest. My lungs were burning and I coughed furiously in my attempt to breathe in the oxygen around me. I finally met his eyes, and they were just as refreshing as that first breath of air I took as I clawed my way through the darkness.

"Are you okay?" he breathed, his voice thick with emotion.

"I t-think so," I shivered, finally starting to let my body feel how cold it truly was. "C-cold."

His hand brushed my cheek gently, like I was a delicate China doll that would break if he pressed down too hard.

"Riley!" My eyes flitted past Lucas to see my parents running towards us on the shoreline. My father knelt down next to Lucas, and quickly called back up to the top of the hill where the police had gathered by the house. "Can we get some blankets over here? She's freezing!"

Frustrated that they were not listening to his demands, my father stomped his way back to the house, leaving Lucas and I alone once again.

"I thought I lost you," he whispered, stroking my hair delicately and tucking the wet strands that were sticking to my forehead behind my ear. "God, I don't know what I would have done."

"You saved me," I muttered, my voice raspy and raw from my coughing fit to find enough air.

"You saved me first," he reminded me, his eyes starting to fill with tears. "I don't know where I would be if I had never gotten to know you."

I sat up suddenly, craning my neck to see police lights flashing at the top of the driveway.

"Where's Jensen?" I asked, my voice sounding much stronger as the intensity settled into my tone.

"They're taking him away," Lucas explained, placing a reassuring hand on my back. "You don't have to worry about him anymore."

"No, they can't!" I scrambled to my feet, wobbling slightly as the dizziness washed over me in one sharp wave.

"Riley, you shouldn't move!" Lucas reached out to steady me, but I pushed past him and started heading up the hill towards the police cars. "Riley!"

I ran as fast as my feet and lungs would allow me, but it felt like I was moving through molasses the way the hazy veil of dizziness was threatening to overtake my body once again.

"Wait!" I shouted at the man gripping a handcuffed Jensen, as he lead him towards a flashing police car. "Wait, don't take him yet!"

"We're going to make sure he gets the punishment he deserves, Ms. Matthews," a woman, tall and thin with an air of importance to her demeanor that clued me in on the fact that she couldn't be anyone other than Mrs. Haynes. "He's not well. But that doesn't excuse his behavior. He's always been difficult, but I never thought it would get this severe. He's such a terrible little delinquent."

Ignoring her, I made my way over to the police car, my heart beating fast and my lungs burning more than ever.

"Jensen," I called out to him, and he slowly turned his head to meet my gaze. He looked confused, like he had no idea where he was or what he was doing here. "I meant it when I said I believed in you. I meant it when I said I was on your side. And I'm not giving up on you."

The corners of Jensen's lips slowly curled into a faint smile, before the police officer tugged on his arm and ducked his head into the car. As the door shut behind him, I turned on my heal to look at his mother. She was everything I thought she would be. Beautiful and entitled, with a sense of coldness to her that made my heart ache for her children.

"Your son is a lot of things, Mrs. Haynes, but he's not a bad person," I said, making sure that my words were coming out as clear and pointed as they possibly could. "This was his cry for help. This was his attempt at getting you to see him. All he's ever wanted is your approval and all you've done is make him into some kind of villain. You don't know you're son if you think he's as terrible as you say he is. Yes, what he did was awful, but I've seen the good in him. I've seen who he truly is. And it's good. The very best parts of him are good. And all he needed was for someone to see that."

I took a step closer, doing my best to decipher the stone cold expression on her face, but determined to finish my speech before my lungs gave out completely.

"He needed me to see that," I admitted, glancing back at Jensen through the car window before returning my gaze to meet a teary eyed Mrs. Haynes. "But more than anything, he needed you to see it. So look at him. Look at him right now, and see it. Talk to him. Really talk to him, and get his side of the story. You owe him that. Otherwise, you're just as bad as you make him out to be."

I didn't wait for her to respond. Instead, I turned on my heel to head over to where my friends and parents were standing. As I met their concerned, albeit shocked, expressions with a small smile I heard sirens in the distance and felt a wave of relief wash over me as my lungs screamed at me in fury.

"Riley, he has a mental disorder," my mom announced, stepping out from behind my dad to place a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"I know," I admitted, turning to smile at her sadly. "He told me a few weeks ago. But that doesn't make him a bad person. His disorder doesn't define who he is. I believe that he's going to get the help that he needs. And I believe he'll become a better person because of all of this. But that doesn't mean he's a bad person now. Maybe that makes me stupid. Maybe that makes me naive. But that's what I believe."

There was a moment of silence in which no one really knew what to say, until Lucas met my eyes and took a step forward.

"And I believe in Riley," he declared, smiling at me confidently. "So if she believes it, I believe it."

"You have one extraordinary daughter Mr. and Mrs. Matthews," Mr. Haynes, who had been relatively quiet throughout this whole incident, told my parents as he made his way into the driver's seat of their much-too-expensive car.

"Yes," my father agreed. "We definitely do."

"And you have an extraordinary son, Mrs. Friar," I told the woman standing next to Lucas, as she looked up at her son with admiration in her eyes. "Lucas saved me tonight. He's been going through so much with Jensen these past few months, but he's done everything he could to keep me safe, even before tonight. He's always been a hero to me. But this just kind of makes it even more official."

I reached out to give Lucas' hand a quick squeeze before making my way over to my friends standing in the background near the top of the driveway.

"Thank you, Mr. Friar," I heard my father tell Lucas as they trailed close behind me. "You saved my daughter tonight. And I will be forever grateful."

"No need to thank me, Mr. Matthews," Lucas told him. "She saved me a long time ago."

I spent the next few minutes talking to the police and convincing Maya that I did not gain superpowers from my miraculous jump from the cliff above the water. The sound of sirens got even closer until they shut off completely, and we all turned to look at the men stepping out of the vehicle.

"Riley, the ambulance is here," my mother announced. "We should get you checked out."

"Just one more thing," I told them, turning to look back at the shoreline. "You guys go up there without me. I need a second alone."

"You sure?" Lucas asked, knitting his eyebrows together in concern..

"Yeah, it'll just be a second," I promised, and he nodded as if he understood and joined everyone else at the end of the driveway.

I quickly ran down the hill to stand near the shoreline that looked out over the water. The storm had passed so the water was relatively calm again. I picked up a flat rock and felt its smooth edges as I tossed it back and forth between either hand.

"Hi, Jessica."

I watched the water ripple softly as a gust of wind blew through, distorting the reflection of the moon on the water ever so slightly

"This might sound strange, but I think that I felt you in the water tonight... I know, weird right? But I just wanted to say how much everyone misses you. How much everyone cares about you. Especially Jensen. I know you don't blame him for what happened. You believed in him too. I know you did. I felt it. And I think that's what gave me the strength to say what I did tonight. So thank you. Sometimes we just need someone to believe in us. And I'm glad that Jensen has always had that. Now he always will."

* * *

"Riles."

I heard a faint voice call out to me, but the lingering effects of sleep continued to pull me back down and prevented me from opening my eyes.

"Psssttt. Riley Matthews."

I felt a slight tickle on the left side of my cheek and my eyes flew open to meet Maya's curious gaze.

"Maya," I muttered, glaring at her with mock-annoyance. "Why are you poking me with a bendy straw?"

"Because you've been sleeping for about five hundred years and I'm bored," she complained, bending the tip of the straw back down and sticking it in the cup of water sitting on the tray beside my hospital bed.

"Sorry that my recent turmoil is causing you severe boredom," I joked, and she rolled her eyes at me and smiled.

"Oh stop, you know I'm only joking," Maya sat back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Yes, you're such a comedian," I teased, scooting up on the pillows so that I was sitting upright in the bed.

There was a moment of silence in which Maya played with the fraying piece of fabric on the bed sheet, looking hesitant to ask me something. Maya was never hesitant to say anything that came to her mind, so I raised my eyebrows at her curiously.

"What is it?" I pressed, urging her to talk to me.

"Riley, what was it like?" she asked after a moment, and I immediately knew what she was referring to.

"It just felt like I was falling," I explained, my eyes drifting to my hands folded neatly together on the blanket in front of me. "There was nothing beautiful or romantic about it. I was just falling into darkness until I wasn't. And then I was surrounded by water."

I took a deep breath before continuing and Maya placed her hand atop mine, smiling at me reassuringly.

"I was scared. But when I was underneath, I couldn't help but think that this was how Jensen had felt for so long. And I knew I couldn't give up on him. I knew that Jessica didn't want me to give up on him. I know that sounds crazy..."

"No it doesn't," Maya assured me, and I couldn't help but smile at her in relief for understanding. "It doesn't sound crazy at all. Anyway, I'm really glad you're okay. Seriously, when I got that call I thought I was going to have some sort of emotional breakdown. You're my best friend, and I'd be lost without you."

I took her hand in mine, before quickly pulling her into a hug. We both laughed as we pulled back and saw tears welling up in both of our eyes.

"I'm glad you picked up," I admitted, wiping at a stray tear that had escaped and fallen onto my cheek. "Although your timing could have been better."

"Sorry," she laughed, and I shook my head at her.

"I'm kidding," I smiled, pleased with myself for being able to make light of this situation so soon after it had happened.

"I got to meet Zay though," Maya pointed out, an uncharacteristic blush forming on her cheeks at the mention of his name. "He's pretty cool if you're into the funny, nice, totally handsome, lacrosse player type. Oh wait."

"Ha ha," I mocked, sticking my tongue out her and reaching for the Kleenex on the tray next to me.

There was a light knock on the door and Maya stood from her chair to see who it was. She smiled at me knowingly as she crossed the room to open the door.

"Speaking of," she smirked as she swung the door open to reveal Lucas standing in the doorway with his hands firmly placed in his jacket pockets. "Um, okay I'm going to be in the lobby begging Farkle to bring me a bag full of tacos. Hospital food is seriously the worst."

With that, Maya slipped through the door behind Lucas and he took a few steps closer to me. His face had a few scrapes from the jump, but he looked relatively unscathed from what I could tell. At least, on the outside.

"How are you feeling?" he asked tentatively, nervously twisting his hands together in front on him.

"Kind of like I swallowed an entire campfire and washed it down with a truck load of fireworks," I explained, gesturing to my throat dramatically. "Throat's been really dry ever since it happened.

"Ouch," he winced, taking a seat in the chair that Maya had pulled over to the bed. "Well, you look beautiful."

"Stop it," I blushed, turning my face away and smiling shyly at him.

"I brought you something," he announced, holding up the canvas bag he was clutching in his hand and setting it on the tray. "Well, two things actually."

"Ooh presents," I said excitedly, reaching for the bag and pulling out the contents to lay one of the items carefully on my lap. I brushed my hand across the cover of the book in front of me and smiled to myself at the familiar images.

"The Secret Garden," I read the title and quickly glanced up at Lucas in amazement. "My favorite book. I didn't think you remembered that."

"I remember every conversation we've had," Lucas informed me, gently grazing one finger across the hand that was lingering on top of the book.

"What's the other thing you brought me?"

Lucas reached into the bag to pull out another book, this one much more beat up, its pages sticking out at funny angles and the front cover hanging on by a thread.

"I tried to glue to missing pages back on, but it's still not as put together as it used to be," Lucas explained as he placed the ragged book in my hands.

"To Kill A Mockingbird," I smiled as I met Lucas' gaze, and poked him playfully in the arm with the book. "I knew I was right about this being your favorite."

"I guess you know me pretty well," Lucas stated, his eyes glued to mine and never wavering.

"I guess I do."

We were caught up in the moment. The events of the past few days lingered in the background, but they refused to emerge to the surface. We were just a boy and a girl in a normal room without heart monitors or the stale smell of antiseptic cleaner. We had a chance to move forward and forget everything that had happened.

But then, as quickly as it started, the moment was over. And reality hit me square in the chest.

"Listen, I wanted to tell you that Holden and I are going to be taking a trip with our mother for the next few months," he announced, his eyes finally leaving mine to stare at the wall in front of him. "We need to get away from the echoes of our past and start fresh. At least for a little while, you know?"

"Oh," I mumbled, unable to make my voice come out above a whisper. "What about school?"

"I'm finishing this semester and then transferring to a private school in Washington for the last term," Lucas explained. "That's where we're going."

"Washington," I repeated, my eyes going wide as I tried my best to keep my voice level. "Wow. That's far."

"I know," he nodded solemnly as he gathered the words to finish what he was trying to say. "But I think I need to figure out who I am without the past weighing me down completely. I need a chance to breathe. And so does my mom. So do you."

"I'm fine, Lucas," I tried to convince him, smiling at him reassuringly to show him how fine I really was.

"You deserve to finish the semester with a normal life," Lucas removed the books from my lap and took my hands in his. "The life you lived before me with your amazing friends and family, tutoring worthless jocks like me, and writing on the school newspaper. And..."

Lucas smirked as he removed a slip of paper from his back pocket and handed it to me.

"You'll also be busy getting ready for the New York University summer writing program for high school students."

"What?" I snatched the paper from his hands and unfolded it, reading the contents of the letter quickly.

"Your mom told me I could give this to you now," Lucas explained. "It came in the mail this morning."

"I got in?" I looked from the letter, to Lucas, and back again in astonishment.

"I knew you would," Lucas said simply, shrugging as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. "You're an amazing writer."

"You didn't even read the piece I entered," I pointed out, dropping the letter onto my lap and raising my eyebrows at him.

"I didn't have to," he smiled confidently, pointing one of his fingers at me and shaking it in my direction. "Besides, you'll let me read it when you're ready."

"That means you have to come back," I reminded him, keeping my voice hopeful without sounding too expectant. "You are coming back right?"

"Riley Matthews," Lucas breathed, picking up both of my hands and leaning in close to me. "I have a lot of promises that I made to you that I intend to keep. So I'll be back to fulfill every one of them. You can count on that."

"Then I'll be here when you get back," I assured him, leaning forward to press my forehead against his. "I promise."

I didn't want Lucas to go, but he was right. His family had been through so much these past few months. I knew that this was what was best for them. And if I was being completely honest with myself, I knew that this was what was best for me as well. Lucas taught me that I always had the ability to fly on my own. But if I didn't always soar like I was supposed to, I knew that I would always have someone to pick me up if I ever fell.


	22. Goodbyes Aren't Always Sweet

**Chapter 22:** Goodbye Aren't Always Sweet

 **Lucas**

When I first met Riley Matthews, you could say that I knew next to nothing about books. I know that sounds strange coming from a junior in high school, but I never appreciated how much a book could change the way you thought about the world. I never knew the impact a stranger's words could have on you. How a simple few paragraphs could brighten your day, or transport you to entirely different universes. I never thought that I, Lucas Friar, could be affected by a book. But as I packed up my room, carefully placing the ones that Riley had given me over the course of these past few months in their own special cardboard box, I realized that the words on these pages are what has changed my life. But more importantly, it was Riley Matthews who had changed my life. My mother appeared in the doorway of my bedroom, taking in the bare walls and empty drawers that I had been working on packing up over the past few days. She stepped over boxes and packing tape to make her way over to my stripped-down bed and sat down to look up at me with curious eyes.

* * *

"How's it coming?"

My mother appeared in the doorway of my bedroom, taking in the bare walls and empty drawers that I had been working on packing up over the past few days. She stepped over boxes and packing tape to make her way over to my stripped-down bed and sat down to look up at me with curious eyes.

"Slowly," I admitted, fiddling with a stubborn button down shirt that refused to come off its hanger. "But I think I should be ready to go by tomorrow."

"Well, remember that we're only going to be gone for a few months," she reminded me, crossing one leg over the other and running her hand over my old baby blanket that I usually kept at the top of my closet for safe keeping, but was now stacked on top of the pile of items still needing to be packed. "You don't have to pack everything."

"Yeah," I mumbled under my breath, crossing the room quickly to continue shoving clothes into various boxes.

"Are you going to see your friends today?"

"Zay's coming by later," I told her, wrapping up my computer chord and placing it carefully in my backpack. "And a few guys from the team."

"What about Riley?" I turned to look her in the eyes for the first time since she had walked into the room. She was raising her eyebrows at me knowingly, a sly smile plastered firmly on her lips as she waited for my reply.

"I'm going to see her tonight," I explained, opening the drawer to my bedside table and removing yet another book from inside it. "But there's something I have to do first."

My mother stood from her spot on the bed to meet me on the other side of the room in front of my closet.

"Lucas, you've been through a lot these past few months," she began, placing one hand on top of mine and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "And it's taken me until the incident at the lake last week to realize that I should have been there to help you through them."

"Mom, you had the divorce to deal with and dad-"

"No, I am your mother and I should have known something was off," she insisted, tears beginning to pop up at the corner of her eyes. "I should have been your mother first, before anything else, and I wasn't. So I want to apologize for not being the kind of parent that you needed. And I wanted you to know that things are going to be different now."

"It's okay mom," I assured her, removing my hand from her grasp to rub her shoulder reassuringly. "It's all over now. Anyway, I think some time away will do us good. We can start fresh. Get away from the demons of our past, so to speak. At least for a little while, you know?"

"Yeah, you're right," she agreed, turning her back to mine to help zip up the overfilled suitcase propped up against the dresser. "Plus it'll be good to see your grandmother. Anyway, your brother is bringing home Chinese later. Are you going to be back in time to eat with us?"

"I should be," I promised, giving the suitcase one last shake to make the zipper close all the way around and setting it carefully back down on the hardwood floor.

"Okay, good," she smiled, placing her hands on her hips triumphantly and making her way over to the door. "Last night in our apartment together, Lucas. We've created lots of memories here. And not all of them bad."

She gave me an amused wink as she stood in the doorway, and I laughed at how goofy she looked as she took a step backwards into the hall.

"I'll see you later, mom," I called to her as she rounded the corner to head into the kitchen.

We needed to move on, and to do that, there was someone I needed to visit before we left town. If I didn't settle things properly, I knew that I would always wonder what would happen if I had, so I finished packing the rest of my clothes and headed out onto the busy New York streets to do just that.

* * *

"Can I help you?"

The cheerful woman at the front desk of the mental rehabilitation facility set down her phone to greet me as I entered the building. It was exactly how I imagined a psychiatric facility to look, except with less posters displaying positive affirmations plastered all over the walls and much duller lighting.

"I'm here to see Jensen Haynes," I told her, shoving my hands in my pockets and rocking back and forth on my heels uncomfortably.

"I'll check to see if he's ready to have visitors," she explained, picking up her notepad and raising her eyebrows at me expectantly. "Can I get your name?"

"Lucas Friar."

"Alright, I'll be right with you," she spun around in her chair and disappeared behind the little booth in the back of the room.

The night that Jensen pushed Riley into the lake, his parent's convinced the police that he wasn't in his right mind, so they agreed to send him here for the next few months on the condition that if his behavior didn't change, he would be sent to a juvenile detention center. Part of me agreed that he deserved to have some kind of consequence for doing what he did, but another part of me worried that this place was not the right kind of consequence. I just hoped that it was helping him return to the person he was before things got so complicated for him.

"Mr. Friar?" The woman popped her head around the corner to smile at me reassuringly, and I spun around to meet her cheerful gaze. "He's ready to see you."

"Thanks," I mumbled, taking one last look around the lobby before following her through the door she buzzed open for me and heading down a long, narrow hallway.

The woman, whose name I now knew as Eva, pushed open a door at the very end of hallway that read 'Suite 23′ and we both stepped inside. Jensen was sitting cross-legged in a chair closest to the window, staring intently at the tall buildings that met the overcast sky overlooking the upper east side of manhattan. It took him a moment to recognize the light footsteps and shutting of the door as signs that someone had entered the room, so we stood there in silence until he finally lifted his head slightly to see Eva and myself standing expectantly in front of the tiny, beat up dresser in the corner of the room.

"Didn't think I'd ever see you again," Jensen admitted, his tone much calmer than it had been a week ago. His skin was an unnatural color of pale that made the bags under his eyes much more defined and noticeable, and I couldn't help but wonder if he had gotten much sleep since he had been there.

"Yeah, well," I muttered, taking a quick look at Eva before stepping out of the doorway to make my way over to the window. She nodded and left the room to give us some privacy and Jensen uncrossed his legs to turn his body to face mine. "I'm leaving tomorrow and I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go without clearing some things up."

Jensen nodded as if he understood, and quickly averted his eyes to watch his fingernails scraping at the chipped piece of wood on the arm rest of the chair.

"How's Riley?" he asked after a moment, still refusing to meet my gaze.

"Nope, not happening," I said almost too quickly, crossing my arms over my chest defiantly. "You don't get to talk about Riley - ever. She might have forgiven you because that's the kind of person she is, but that doesn't mean I forgive you for taking advantage of her kindness in some insane effort to get back at me."

"Fair enough," he agreed, lifting his head and gesturing towards the chair next to his bed that had the same green striped cushions that his had. "Have a seat."

I did as he instructed, pushing the chair over to the window so that it was adjacent to his, and taking a seat.

"How long are they keeping you here?" I asked, settling into the cushions and placing my hands on either armrest.

"Depends on how they evaluate 'my overall state of being' over the next few weeks," Jensen rolled his eyes as he quoted what I could only assume was the line that the doctors have been feeding him all week. "My parents were willing to make the effort to get me help, but in their minds that meant tossing me into the looney bin so they wouldn't have to deal with me personally."

"This might be the best thing for you, Jensen," I tried to convince him, doing my best to keep things positive for him. I might not have liked what he had done this past year, but we were friends at one point. He deserved to have someone give him the hope he needed to get through this.

"Yeah, maybe," he muttered, pushing himself out of the chair and walking to the other end of the window, leaning against the windowsill and looking up at me. "Anyway, you mentioned you were leaving. Where is the Friar family moving to?"

"Washington," I explained. "But it's just for a few months to visit my grandmother. We just need to get away from everything for awhile."

"Wow, that's pretty far," Jensen said, crossing one foot over the other and raising one eyebrow at me curiously. "Now, where is Lucas Friar going?"

"What are you talking about Jensen?" I muttered, shaking my head at him in confusion.

"We've known each other for a long time, Lucas," Jensen stated. "You might argue with me for saying this, but I've gotten a pretty good idea of the kind of person you've become over the years. And these past few months, you've lost little pieces of the Lucas Friar you used to be. I mean, you put the girl you care about more than anything else in this world, in danger just by letting her into your life. The old Lucas wouldn't have done that. You're lost. And if I were in your position, I'd go off on my own to find myself again because that girl doesn't deserve to be with someone she doesn't know. And how could she truly know you if you don't even know yourself anymore."

"You don't know what you're talking about," I muttered, ready to brush Jensen off without another word about it, but there was something in his eyes that told me he was being more sincere than he had ever been in his entire life. So I let him continue.

"Before I left school to go to Dalton, you were miserable," Jensen continued, his tone neither arrogant nor taunting the way it would have been only a week ago. "After I left you were miserable. Then you met Riley Matthews and your misery kind of disappeared for a while. But then I went and screwed that up for you and now you're back in the same place you were before. I can see it in your eyes - that look of confusion and uncertainty. That's my fault. So the least I could do is to tell you to go find the person you're meant to be once and for all. Because I could tell just by watching you two, that Riley saw a glimpse of him before that night at the lake. Now you owe it to yourself to prove that you truly are that person."

I hated to admit it more than anything, but Jensen was right. I was exactly the person I was meant to be with Riley Matthews, but the incident at the lake and everything that happened with Jensen made me question that. Was Riley safe with this person that let her get pushed into a lake and almost drown? Is this who I had become? I owed it to her to try and figure that out. And I couldn't do that in New York City, where the noise and the lights reminded me of everything that has happened to cause that uncertainty that Jensen was referring to.

"You know, I think being in here is actually helping you, Jensen," I admitted, my lips curling to a small smile - the first smile I had shared with Jensen Haynes in years.

"Yeah well, let's hope so," Jensen muttered, moving from the window to pick up the tray of food sitting sloppily on his nightstand. "I don't think I can handle another month with the food in here. Cardboard would be a luxury compared to the stuff they're serving in that cafeteria."

I stood from my chair to meet him in front of his bed and he set the tray back down and raised his eyes to meet mine.

"I might not forgive you for what you did to Riley, but I forgive you for everything else. And that might not mean much coming from me, but I just wanted you to know that I'm ready to move on from it if you are," I told him, taking a step closer and holding out my hand for him to shake.

"It means a lot," Jensen said in almost a whisper, taking my hand and shaking it firmly.

"I'll see you around," I promised, dropping my hand and taking a step backwards to head out of the room.

"Hey Lucas," Jensen called back to me once I was already halfway to the door. "I'm sorry."

"I know."

I gave him a reassuring smile before turning my back to him and walking down the dark hallway that led to the lobby. Jensen Haynes and I had gone through a lot together, and I knew that we could never be friends. But maybe we could not hate each other anymore. That would be something new and different that I so desperately needed in this new life that I was trying to find. That was something I could work towards.

* * *

"I can't believe you're leaving me to deal with the team by myself, man," Zay complained, closing one of the last boxes to be packed up in my bedroom and motioning for me to hand him the packing tape.

"Zay, the season's practically over anyway. It's not like we made the championships this year with me leading the team," I reminded him, passing the tape over to him and picking up another box from inside the closet. "I think you should be fine."

"Still, what am I supposed to do without you for 5 months?" Zay asked, finishing up with the box he was working on and tossing the tape onto the bed. "You're my best friend, Lucas."

"Aw, come here," I smiled, gesturing for him to come closer. I pulled him into a quick hug and patted him on the back reassuringly. "I'll miss you too, Zay. But I don't think you're going to need me. I've seen you smiling all goofy-like at the back of Maya Hart's head in history class so I think you're going to be a little busy next semester. I would practically be invisible to you anyway."

"Whatever, man," Zay brushed me off, but I could see the slight smile beginning to form on his lips at the thought of this. "Are you going to see Riley tonight?"

I took a step backwards, dropping my head to avoid his gaze and quickly began lugging everything I could into the hallway to be transferred to the moving truck.

"We should go ahead and start loading everything into the back now, so we don't have to do it all in the morning," I muttered, setting down the boxes and turning to grab some more from the bedroom.

"You didn't answer my question," Zay hurried to catch up with me and placed a firm hand on my shoulder to prevent me from leaving his side again. "Lucas, stop."

"Remember when my father sent me to Texas for football camp in 3rd grade because he was having a hard time with the company and he didn't want to deal with me whining a complaining all summer?" I asked, adjusting the luggage in my hands and turning to raise a curious eyebrow at Zay.

"Yeah," Zay muttered, the confusion beginning to settle into his expression. "But what does that have to do with you going to see Riley before you leave?"

"I had just gotten that pet turtle, remember?"

"Mortimer," Zay answered, nodding as the memory of that summer came back to him. "Yeah, I remember. You asked me to take care of him because you didn't want him to think that you didn't care about him by leaving just after you got him."

"And you did. You took better care of him than I ever could, and Mortimer turned into the best pet I ever had," I told him, slowly letting the suitcase drop from my hands to land carefully on the hardwood floor in the hallway.

"Okay, you're losing me here, man," Zay furrowed his brows together and I placed one hand on his shoulder and turned him to face me so that I was sure he was looking me right in the eyes.

"I need you to take care of Riley," I announced. "Believe me, I know she doesn't need anyone to take care of her, but would you just look after her anyway? If she needs anything - if she wants you to read a book that she's really excited about or needs help reviewing an article for the paper, would you do it? I want her to know that someone is always going to be there for her, even if it's not me."

"Of course I will," Zay promised, and I sighed in relief as I dropped my hand from his shoulder and began heading back into the bedroom. "But why does this sound like you're going to be gone a lot longer than just a few months?"

"Just watch over her," I repeated, avoiding his question as I turned off the light to the now empty closet, and shut the door. "And if she asks - tell her that I'm sorry."

"Lucas," Zay started to say, but I cut him off before he could say anything more.

"Riley deserves to be with someone she knows she can trust," I explained, taking a look around the room for anything that I could have forgotten to pack. "But she also deserves someone who can trust himself to be around her without putting her in harm's way."

"Lucas, you know that wasn't your fault-"

"Just promise me?" I asked, my eyes pleading with him. "Please?"

"I promise," Zay agreed, sliding the last box off the surface of the dresser and carrying it out of the room.

"Good," I said. "Now, let's get this stuff loaded into the truck."

I turned back to take one last look at the room I had lived in my entire life, wondering if I would ever be back to see it again. As I flicked off the light, and turned to shut the door, the click echoing loudly in the bare hallway, I couldn't help but think of that sound as a final goodbye to the place I had called home for so many years.

* * *

The letter felt heavy sitting in my back pocket, like it was more than just a piece of paper and an envelope weighing me down and refusing to let me move. The early signs of morning were starting to show as the sun made its way up and over the buildings sitting along the horizon. Riley was sound asleep, and I could hear faint snoring through the shut bedroom window from where I was standing on the terrace. If I was going to do this, there was no looking back.

I carefully propped the envelope against the glass so that the side with her name was facing into her room. She would be sure to see it as soon as she woke up, and the thought of that made my heart sink a little in my chest.

I couldn't face telling her goodbye, because I knew that if I saw her in any way that was more than just a glance through a bedroom window, I would never leave. And I also knew, that if I truly loved Riley the way I thought I did, I needed to go. I had a feeling that would make no sense to her or to anyone else in my life, but it was what I thought I needed to do for both of us right now.

"Goodbye, Riley," I whispered to her closed window, touching the glass quickly before standing up straight and turning my back to her.

With one last glance, I took a deep breath, climbed down the terrace using the fire escape, and walked away from everything that I could have had with Riley Matthews. Maybe I still would one day, but I knew that right now, this was the right decision. This was goodbye. And it was the hardest thing I had ever done.


	23. Miles From Where We Used to Be

****Note: This part jumps around a lot, so it might seem a little confusing, but I did that on purpose. I'll fill everything else in during the next part! So just to clarify there is one last part (24) and then the epilogue (25) and then that's it! Thank you for everyone who has stuck with this story for so long! Love you all!****

 **Chapter 23: Miles From Where We Used to Be**

 **Riley**

 **MAY OF JUNIOR YEAR (Almost 6 months after Lucas left New York)**

"Riles! Riley Matthews!"

I looked up from the book I was flipping through at my locker to see Maya jogging down the hallway, waving a piece of paper wildly in her hands. She pushed past the students hurrying to get to their next class, fighting her way through the crowd of tired and aggravated teenagers as best she could.

"Move!" She yelled at a confused freshman who happened to be twice her size. "Get out of the way, important news reporter coming through!"

Sheldon Mackabee turned on his heel to narrow his eyes at Maya as she passed his locker.

"School's almost over, there's no more news left to report," Sheldon informed her, pushing his greasy hair out of his eyes and adjusting his backpack onto his shoulders.

"Oh really, Sheldon? How about I report that you sleep with the light on because you're still afraid of the monster under the bed? How's that for a report?" Maya snapped, putting her hands on her hips and raising her eyebrows at him as some sort of challenge.

"A lot of people still sleep with the light on," Sheldon reasoned, his voice sounding much less confident than it had only a second ago.

"Oh, okay so you wouldn't mind if I just..."

"Wait!" Sheldon conceded, waving his hands frantically in front of her to show that he most definitely did not want that to happen.

"That's what I thought," Maya smirked, turning away from him to head back in my direction. "Sleep tight tonight, Sheldon!"

"Maya, relax I'm not going anywhere!" I assured her, placing my book back on the top shelf of my locker and shutting it. "What's up?"

"You-" she started to say, but stopped short as she ran out of breath to finish her sentence. "Man, I'm out of breath. Okay - the piece you sent in for the NYU contest? You know, the one about-"

"Yes, Maya I remember what it was about," I finished for her, quickly tucking my hair behind my ear and avoiding her gaze.

"Well, we all know that it got you into the writing program this summer, as did my story about the nuns who own an orphanage in Ghana, although your position is obviously in the creative writing program and mine is - "

"Maya, I get it - what were you about to say?" I prompted her to stay on track and she shook her head as if she finally remembered the point of her story.

"Oh, right! Well not only did it get you into the program, but it also got you a full scholarship for the entire 2 months!"

"What? I thought it was only 6 weeks?" I furrowed my eyebrows together in confusion and Maya smiled slyly at me.

"That was just the first session, also known as the 'cheap enough for me to pay for myself' session. The second session has way better guest speakers and workshops, hence why it costs so much more to attend. But lucky for you, your writing got you in for free! It's an amazing opportunity! And now you get the chance to go!"

"That is amazing," I mumbled, still unable to wrap my head around all of the information she was throwing at me.

"Not to mention it's in London," Maya added, the corners of her lips twitching ever so slightly as they tried to make their way up into a smirk.

"London?" I repeated, my eyes shooting up quickly to meet hers.

"Yep," Maya nodded, no longer attempting to hide her amused smile. "London."

"But that's where-"

"I know," Maya beamed, clapping her hands together excitedly.

"Maya, what did you do?" I narrowed my eyes at her and she immediately started to back away, throwing her hands up in defense.

"Nothing - I did absolutely nothing," she scrambled to deny the accusation as she quickly glanced down at her phone. "Oops, gotta go Zay and Farkle are waiting for me in the library! Congratulations by the way!"

Maya turned on her heel and sprinted down the now-clear hallway in the opposite direction of the library.

"Maya Hart, come back here right now!" I called after her, but she had already rounded the corner and was nowhere to be seen or heard.

If what Maya said was true, I would be going to London in just 2 short months. And that meant I would finally get to put my mind to rest of the thoughts that had been playing on a loop in my head all semester. The thoughts that sprung to my mind whenever I read a book, walked down the hallway, or so much as stepped into my own mother's Bakery. Thoughts of him. And the mess that he left behind.

* * *

 **THE NIGHT AFTER LUCAS LEFT NEW YORK**

 _The letter sat unopened on my nightstand as I returned home from school that day. I knew who it was from and I knew exactly what it said, but I couldn't bring myself to read it. So I wrote story after story and I listened to every sad song I had in my music library and I never read the letter._

 _Until I did._

 _I waited until everyone went to bed, cleared a space at the bay window, and read it over and over again until the sun started to shine through the cracks in the blinds. When I finally locked the letter away in my bedside table, I wished that I would have never read it. I wish I could take back reading every last word of it, seal it back up, and place it exactly where I had found it on my windowsill earlier that morning. But I couldn't take it back. And I couldn't bring Lucas back either._

 _"Hey, Zay," I said into the phone that afternoon, using every last bit of strength I had not to fall to pieces as I let the words escape from my lips."It's Riley Matthews."_

 _"Oh, hi Riley," Zay replied, his voice absent of any shock that might have been brought on by hearing that it was me calling him, and not someone he was more familiar with. It was almost as if he was expecting it to be me the second he picked up the phone. "What can I do for you?"_

 _"You can tell me where he is," I said automatically, getting straight to the point._

 _"Who are we talking about again?"_

 _"Isaiah Babineaux," I snapped, my voice thick with impatience._

 _"Oh, we're talking about Lucas," Zay played dumb, the nervousness in his voice much more obvious than it had been a second ago. "Right."_

 _"Where is he, Zay?"_

 _"He's in Washington with this family," he stated. "He told you that, remember?"_

 _"Where is he really?" I demanded, biting my bottom lip to keep my voice from quavering._

 _"I don't think I understand the ques-"_

 _"He left me a letter," I blurted out quickly. "He said that he needed to get away from everything and to do that he needed to travel a distance further than Seattle, Washington. So how far are we talking, Zay? I just need to know how far, okay?"_

 _There was a moment of silence in which neither of us said a word. I listened to his breathing as he thought of what he should or shouldn't tell me, impatiently tapping my foot against the hardwood floor until he finally took a deep breath and sighed into the phone._

 _"Roughly 3500 miles," he muttered, and I closed my eyes as I let the realization sink in._

 _Lucas was really gone. It wasn't just a terrible, back of the mind, thought I had as I jumped to the worst conclusions. He was out of my life for however long it took for him to "find himself" and all I could do was wait. I had to respect his decision to leave. I had to be supportive by letting him have his space._ _But that definitely didn't mean that it didn't break my heart._

 _"Thank you," I whispered, and without saying another word, I ended the call, set my phone of my dresser, and cried into my pillow until I fell asleep._

* * *

 **THE DAY RILEY LEFT FOR LONDON**

"Are you sure about this?" My father asked as he watched Auggie lug my gigantic suitcase down the stairs to the living room. "I mean, it's not too late to back out. I'm sure the scholarship people would understand."

"Dad, I'm going," I informed him, zipping up my backpack and leaning it against the couch. "And there's nothing you can do to stop me."

"I can steal your passport before we take you to the airport," my Dad threatened, raising his eyebrows at me challengingly

"You're not that quick, and I have catlike reflexes," I shot back, crossing the living room to unplug my phone charger from the outlet in the kitchen.

"I can get Auggie to steal your passport before we take you to the airport," he corrected himself, folding his arms over his chest and smirking in my direction.

"Mom!" I turned towards my mother who was sitting at the top of the stairs, and gave her a look of desperation that only she would understand.

"Cory, she's not a little girl anymore," she reminded him as she made her way down the stairs and into the living room. "She's growing up and it's about time we accepted that."

"Thank you," I smiled at my mother gratefully and she nodded.

"Besides, she has it stuffed really far down in her bag, I already checked," she added, and I turned around to shove her arm playfully.

"You guys are ridiculous," I muttered, shaking my head in disbelief and shoving my charger into my backpack.

"That's why you love us," Auggie chimed in from the other side of the room, and I spun around to stick my tongue out at him.

Just as Auggie rolled my suitcase to the front of the room, the door swung open and hit him in the side with a loud thud.

"Knock, knock," Maya announced as she stepped into our apartment, and Auggie peeked his head around the door to glare at her.

"You know, it helps if you actually knock and wait for a response before you enter the room, Maya," my Dad reminded her, trying his best not to laugh at the sight of Auggie simultaneously rubbing his elbow and narrowing his eyes at Maya in annoyance.

"Sorry, Matthews, but we don't have a lot of time," she explained, hopping onto the arm of the couch and gesturing back to the door with one hand. "And I brought friends."

As if on cue, Farkle, Zay, and Isadora walked through the door and filed into the room to stand in front of the coffee table.

"You guys!" I smiled up at them in disbelief, taking a few steps towards them to place a hand on Farkle's shoulder. "You didn't have to come. I'm only going to be gone for 3 weeks."

"And miss the chance to beg you to bring us back presents," Farkle joked. "Not a chance."

"Yes, that's right Farkle," Maya agreed, her lips curling into a mischievous grin. "And I will be collecting all of the requests in this little journal here. Please, form an orderly line behind August Matthews."

Everyone, including my parents, flocked towards the back of the room where Maya was standing, but I quickly grabbed Zay's arm before he could do the same.

"You didn't tell him I was coming did you?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

"I promised I wouldn't and I kept my word," Zay assured me, and I sighed in relief. "But Riley, he hasn't been doing well and I'm not so sure seeing you is going to help."

"Thanks a lot," I said dryly, crossing my arms over my chest in mock-offense.

"That's not what I meant," he explained. "I just - he cares a lot about you and seeing you when he's down like this isn't going to make him feel much better. It's going to make him feel like he's not the type of guy you deserve even more than he already did. Trust me, I know him."

"You're a good friend Zay," I told him, placing a hand on his shoulder and smiling up at him gratefully. "But I've been going crazy for months. I have to see how he's doing for myself, okay?"

"Alright," Zay muttered, throwing his hands up in defeat. "Have a safe flight."

"Thanks, Zay," I said, raising my eyes to meet his. "For everything."

"I told Lucas I'd look out for you," he confessed, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "But I'm lucky to say that you've become a really good friend of mine and I'm thankful for that."

"Yeah well," I mumbled, glancing back at Maya before returning my gaze to meet his. "I had to make sure you were good enough for my best friend."

"Oh really," he laughed, and I couldn't help but return his laugh as I took in the shocked expression on his face.

"Okay, we should probably get going. We want to get there in plenty of time to go through security, get to your gate - all the things I'm usually rushing to do whenever I go to the airport," my dad announced as he made his way to the front door. "You ready, Riley?"

 _Was I ready?_

I was traveling miles away from home to attend a writing workshop that could give me a head start in college and my future career. I was going out of the country for the first time in my entire life, and I was going there by myself. But amidst all of the new changes occurring on this trip, I was traveling this far to bring Lucas and I back to where we used to be. I was traveling this far to bring Lucas home.

"I guess we'll find that out, won't we?"

* * *

 **COMING HOME FROM LONDON**

"You're uncharacteristically quiet tonight."

Maya narrowed her eyes at me from across the dining room table and I looked up to meet her eyes briefly before I let my head bob back down onto my hand as I rested my elbow on the surface in front of me.

"Just tired," I mumbled into my plate, pushing around the carrots with my fork. My parents and Auggie were having a debate about whether a tomato was a fruit or a vegetable at the end of the table, so no one else could hear our conversation but Maya and myself.

"Well tell me all about your trip, I want to hear everything!"

"Um," I muttered, scrunching my eyebrows together and silently willing myself not to cry in front of everyone. "I don't really want to talk about it right now, if that's okay."

"I'm guessing things didn't go the way you wanted them to with Lucas?" Maya gave me a sympathetic look as I slowly let my eyes drift upwards to meet hers.

"No, they didn't."

"I'm sorry, Riles," she said in almost a whisper as she reached across the table to take my hand in hers.

"Lucas Friar is never coming back to New York," I stated, my voice quavering slightly as the tears started to spring up at the corners of my eyes. "And I don't think I even want him to anymore."

"Riley, what happened up there?"

"Lucas made it very clear that he doesn't want anything to do with me," I explained, withdrawing my hand from hers to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "And I guess I have to accept that. Things will go back to the way they were before I met him, just like he wanted. It was like I never really knew him. And who knows? Maybe I never did."

I dropped my fork onto my plate and, ignoring the questions and concerned looks from my friends and family, I grabbed my notebook and stormed out of the apartment. I suddenly felt more inspired to write than I had been in almost a year, and I needed to get every word of it onto paper before I forgot it.

Lucas was gone, but in some ways that made me want to write even more because it brought me back to who we were before everything got so complicated. It made me feel closer to the person I had gotten to know in the library, and I so desperately wanted to know him again. So that's exactly where I went and where I would go until the day I stopped missing him.


	24. The Journey of Finding Yourself

**A/N: This is the last official part of this story, however there is still the epilogue that should be posted in the next few days or so. Thanks for reading and sticking with this story for so long! If you want to know anything else about the story let me know. For example, alternate endings, actors I was thinking of for characters like Jensen or Merritt, the link to the soundtrack I made for the story, etc. Pretty much anything you want to know, just shoot me a message! Thanks again!**

 **Chapter 24:** The Journey of Finding Yourself

 **Lucas**

Before I left for London I took a trip into a local bookstore near my family's apartment. I asked the shop owner working at the counter for any book recommendations that centered around people traveling the world on some sort of journey. Without a word, he proceeded to escort me to the travel section of the store stocked with maps and travel guides and thick books documenting the best types of cuisine around the world.

"I'm sorry, I should have been more clear," I said, looking at him apologetically and placing a hand over one of the European travel guides. "I meant a novel. A novel about a man or a woman seeking to discover something and doing everything in their power to find it, no matter how long it takes. A character on a journey. A character looking to start over and grow into who they're meant to be."

"Ah," he murmured, turning away from the shelves of books to raise his eyebrows at me knowingly. "You want to do a little research on the journey of self discovery and rejuvenation."

"I'm not sure what you mean," I frowned, shaking my head at him in confusion as he led me back to the front of the store.

"Every book I've read about a man traveling the world in hopes of completing their mission -whatever that may be- always turns out to be a matter of discovering, or sometimes reinventing, themselves," he explained, rearranging the trinkets set up on the top of the counter and quickly glancing up to meet my gaze.

"What if that was my goal all along," I admitted, twisting my hands together and bending down to pick up a bookmark that had flown onto the floor when he moved one of the display cases. "What if I'm seeking to find the person who I used to be, but also the person I'm meant to become. Will I find something else along the way?"

"No man takes a journey of any kind without returning home with an unintentional discovery," his lips curled into a smirk as he turned back around to look up at me. "In fact - I think I have just the book for you, son. It might not be exactly what you're expecting, but I think you'll find it's exactly what you need."

Reaching behind the counter, he pulled out a small, beat-up copy of a novel that looked as though it had gotten a lot of attention in its lifetime. He placed it in a bag without revealing the title to me and held it out for me to take.

"Thank you," I told him, reaching into my back pocket to pull out my wallet.

"I hope you find what you're looking for," he gently pushed my wallet away and I smiled at him gratefully. "Or rather, who you're looking for."

"Me too," I said in almost a whisper.

Clutching the bag in my hand, I turned on my heel to push through the rickety door at the front of the bookstore. I didn't remove the book from the bag until I got on the plane that same night. I recognized the title immediately, but was taken aback by the shop owner's choice. Yet, another part of me wasn't the least bit surprised that the one book that a total stranger had chosen for me to read in an effort to discover myself again just so happened to be the one book in the entire world that Riley Matthews had chosen to be her favorite.

* * *

I never read the book. In fact, for my first month in London, it sat on the desk in my dorm room at the boarding school that my mother organized for me to attend and it remained sitting there unopened for the next month. And the next. And the next. And the longer it sat there untouched, the more miserable I became. The book was there as a reminder that I could choose to rediscover myself at any time, but I simply didn't care enough to do so.

"Your phone's ringing."

My roommate appeared in my bedroom doorway and I slowly turned to glare at him, making sure to let my annoyance come across in my expression. To say we didn't get along was an understatement. His name was Liam and he constantly wanted to talk to me about school or my parents or my life back in New York, but I was tired of talking. In fact, I wanted to anything but talk.

It was as if coming to London opened my eyes to everything that had happened in the past year and it was just now crashing down on me. My father cheating on my mother. My brother lying to me. Jensen making my life miserable. Lacrosse. Merritt. Failing English. Meeting Riley. Almost losing Riley. Loving Riley. Leaving Riley. So instead of talking about that with Liam and his stupid questions and childish haircut, I coped in a different way.

"Let it ring," I grumbled, picking up a pen from the cup sitting on my nightstand and scribbling on a sheet of clean notebook paper.

"But I'm trying to study and it's distracting," Liam whined, fidgeting back and forth from one foot to the other.

"Then go out into the common room," I snapped, the scribbles becoming much darker as I put more pressure on the paper the angrier I became. Something next to the mahogany dresser caught his eye and he averted his attention to the other side of the room.

"You know, I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't leave that stuff in the room," Liam spat, stomping his way over to dresser and swiping the bottle of tequila from the hardwood floor. "We could get in trouble."

"Relax, Liam," I groaned, rolling my eyes and throwing the piece of paper and pen onto the dresser. "It's not like anyone is going to come to the door for a surprise room check anytime soon."

As soon as the words left my lips there was a knock on the door that made Liam's face turn as white as a sheet.

"Oh no," he exclaimed, tossing the bottle in my direction. Luckily I caught it before it hit the floor, and Liam rushed over to the other side of the room. "Quick, shove it under the pillow!"

"Liam, calm down," I instructed, trying my best to keep my voice as calm as possible. "I'll take care of this, you go answer the door."

"But-"

"Go!" I gestured towards the door and he nodded, taking a deep breath before turning the doorknob and swinging the door open.

I could hear hushed voices from the front of the room as I shoved the bottle, and anything else that might have gotten us kicked out of school, underneath my mattress. I didn't notice anyone entering the room until I looked up from smoothing out the wrinkles in my bedspread to see Liam hovering over me with an amused expression on his face.

"It's for you," he announced, stepping to the side to reveal the visitor who had entered the room after him and was waiting patiently behind him.

For a split second I thought that I was dreaming. I had imagined this moment happening a thousand different times in a thousand different ways, but it never felt like it would actually happen. And now that it was, I wasn't sure if I could trust my eyes or not.

"Riley," I said breathlessly, unable to make my voice come out any louder than a whisper.

"You didn't answer your phone," she pointed out, gesturing to the phone laying face down on the desk on the other side of the room.

"What are you doing here?"

"The second session of the writing program is being held in London this year," Riley explained, swapping her bag from one hand to the other and biting her bottom lip nervously. "And I wanted to see you."

"This doesn't seem real," I muttered, rubbing the back of my head and looking up at her in awe.

"I know," she nodded, and I finally stood from my crouched position to meet her face to face.

We stood there staring into each others eyes for a moment like we were back in New York before everything happened with Jensen. It took Liam coughing like he had an entire chicken bone stuck in his throat to snap us back to reality and Riley glanced back at the door. "Can we go somewhere and talk?"

"Uh, yeah," I scrambled to grab my keys and wallet from the bedside table and headed for the door. "I know just the place. Let's go."

* * *

Since arriving in London, I found that I had been doing a lot of wandering. I wandered through town, through parks, into random coffee shops and local pubs. I think that I imagined that wandering would eventually lead me to finding what I had been seeking all this time. But the longer I wandered, the more frustrated I became that I was just walking aimlessly with no direction. Then one Sunday afternoon I took a chance on this park about fifteen minutes away from my boarding school. I spent hours walking and observing strangers walking their dogs or playing with their children on the playground, not finding anything of interest until finally I found a little section of the park that reminded me of home.

"It's beautiful out here, Lucas," Riley told me, leaning forward on the bench located away from the busier sections of the park, taking in the lush greenery and vibrant peonies in the garden beside us.

"I thought you might like it," I smiled slightly, tucking a piece of hair that had grown long enough to reach the bottom of my earlobe, behind my ear and turning my head in the direction of the area that she was admiring.

"It reminds me of-"

"The secluded area in the park by your apartment that has the overgrown willow tree and the worn-out bench," I finished for her, looking down at the foot that was grazing the graveled path in front of me and kicking at it. "I know, that's why I liked it."

"Right," she nodded, quickly glancing in my direction before averting her gaze to the hands resting carefully in her lap. There was a moment of silence in which neither of really knew what to say, until we both looked up and began talking at the same time. "So how have you been?"

"Why did you come to see me?" I started to say, but stopped when I realized that she was asking me a question as well. We laughed nervously until I gestured for her to continue with what she was trying to say.

"Here's the thing," she began, turning in her seat so that her entire body was facing me. "I need you to come back."

"Riley," I shook my head, not wanting to have this conversation, but she grabbed my arm and forced me to meet her gaze.

"No, Lucas listen to me, please," she begged, her eyes pleading with me. "I need you to come back because I want a chance to be with you in a way that I've dreamed about for so long. I need you to give us a chance. I need you to trust that I know you and that I've always known you in a way that you don't even know yourself."

"That's exactly why I can't come back, Riley," I admitted, knitting my eyebrows together and shaking my shoulder free of her grip. "How can you know me if I don't even know me? I'm so lost. And I'm not sure I can ever find my way back."

"Give me a chance to help you find it," she pleaded with me, desperation in her voice.

"You can't," I asserted, a coldness to my voice that I knew she was not used to hearing. "And I don't want you to."

"W-why not?" she stammered, her voice beginning to quaver, a sure sign that I had thrown her off guard with a tone that the old Lucas Friar would have never used.

"You might want a chance for us to be together in a way that's supposed to mean something, but I don't," I lied, hoping that I sounded convincing enough for her to believe me. "You think that you know who Lucas Friar is, but you have no idea. You don't know me. And we don't belong together."

"I don't believe that," she said, tears beginning to well up at the corners of her eyes.

"Well you should," I snapped, trying everything I could not to let my expression show how heartbroken I was to be saying this to her. "Because I'm dating someone else. And it made me realize that I never should have told you I loved you in New York, because I didn't even know what that meant. But now I do. And I don't feel that way about you."

"You're lying," she muttered, turning away from me so that she was on the edge of the bench, ready to get away at any moment.

"Go home Riley," I told her firmly. "Just - go home and be with someone who can make you happy. Please."

"This isn't you," she muttered under her breath. "But I believe that he's in there somewhere and that you'll find a way to bring him back again. I believe in him. But this person - this version of him, I don't believe in. Goodbye, Lucas."

With that, she pushed off the bench and headed in the direction of the path that we took to enter the park. I felt sick to my stomach. I was doing all of this so that I wouldn't hurt her again like I did by dragging her into my mess with Jensen, but I somehow found a way to hurt her anyway. I couldn't be with her because I knew that she deserved better. I didn't deserve to have Riley Matthews love me. I knew that now. And I also knew that I deserved to be alone. I was doing what I thought was best, and I had to live with that.

* * *

When I returned to my room later that night, all I wanted to do was sleep or drink or both, but Liam made sure that was the last thing I would do as soon as I pushed open the door and stepped inside.

"You were gone a long time," he pointed out, turning in his desk chair to watch me as I threw my keys onto my nightstand and flung myself onto my tiny twin-size bed.

"Not now Liam," I muttered into my pillow, hoping that if I buried my face further into my covers that I could disappear somehow.

"It's about that girl isn't it?" Liam asked, and I rolled onto my back and propped my elbows up on my pillows to glare in his direction.

"I said not,-" I stopped short when I saw something pressed up against the wall closest to the door. "What's that?"

"How should I know?" Liam, ever the helpful roommate, mumbled into his book. Rolling my eyes, I swung my legs off the bed and walked over to the door to inspect the foreign object that had been slammed up against the wall when I entered the room.

I picked up the envelope from the hardwood floor and stared at it for a moment before breaking the seal and unfolding the paper from within. There were two sheets - the first was a handwritten note that I knew was written by Riley as soon as I pulled it out of the envelope. I recognized the fancy swirls she added at the end of her 'y's' from the notes she had written on my English papers. I quickly read the message, my hands shaking as I tried to steady the paper.

 ** _This is the real Lucas Friar. This is you. Please find him again because I miss him more than I thought was possible to miss anyone. Hopefully this will remind you that there are people who still know him. People who still love him. Please bring him back. If not for me, then for yourself. Please._**

I quickly placed the note behind the other sheet to find that it was a typed short story of some sort. I realized immediately that this was the story that Riley had submitted to get accepted into the summer writing program at NYU. It only took my reading the title to come to the conclusion that this story was about me.

 ** _The Boy Who Leaned Against Lockers by Riley Matthews_**

 ** _Students went out of their way to be around him - to watch and admire and be a part of it all. He made it look like an art, even though it was something everyone around him was doing. The way his left shoulder slumped to one side as he laughed at a joke that only he would find funny. The heel propped up against the wall. The hair sticking up in odd right angles on top of his head that looked like they were meant to be that way. These things gave everyone around him a sense of comfort that was hard to explain if you didn't know him. And not everyone did. Not in the way that he wanted them to know him. Not in the way that they noticed that he leaned against lockers because as a way to show the world who he really was._**

I read the rest of the story on floor, slumped up against the door, ignoring Liam's strange looks in my direction as he moved about the room organizing things that didn't need organizing. Then I read it two more times in the coffee shop across the street. Then once more before I went to sleep that night. I read it again and again until I realized that Riley had seen who I was before I even thought about looking in her direction. She had known this whole time, and I was just too afraid to admit it.

Or maybe I was too afraid to admit it to myself. I knew who I was and who I wanted to be from that moment on. I was someone who didn't want to care what people thought of me, who loved books and long conversations in secluded places, who loved eating cheesecake and other junk food instead of an actual meal, who loved listening to obscure records and playing video games with my brother and Zay, who enjoyed running, instead of playing an organized sport like lacrosse. But most of all, I realized that over the past year I had become someone who loved being with Riley. And I loved being and doing all of those things with Riley by my side.

Without another thought, I grabbed my suitcase from the closet and began throwing random pieces of clothing into it before zipping it up and hurrying over to the door.

"Going somewhere?" Liam appeared in the doorway just as I swung it open, and he raised his eyebrows at me as he took in my suitcase and passport in either hand.

"Uh, yeah," I mumbled, stepping to the side to let him enter the room. "I'm going-"

"You're going home," he finished for me, tossing his backpack on the floor and turning to face in my direction.

"Yeah, I am," I nodded, adjusting the suitcase from one hand to the other.

"It's because of the girl isn't it?" Liam asked. "The one who showed up here the other day?"

"I'm going home for myself," I explained, looking up to meet Liam's gaze. "I'm doing it for myself because I finally know who that is. And I think I've known him all along. But yeah, Riley helped me get there. She was a big part of it."

"Good for you, Lucas," he smiled, looking more genuine than he had since the day I met him. "Anyway, safe flight. By the way, I think you should definitely read that book that's been sitting on the desk since you got here in December on the plane. The Secret Garden? It's brilliant, really. Completely underrated."

Liam crossed the room to remove the book from the top shelf of the desk and tossed it in my direction. I caught it with one hand and smiled at him from across the room.

"Thanks, man," I told him, smoothing my free hand over the cover as I turned to leave the building. "I'll see you around."

"Let's hope not," Liam called back to me. "We were terrible roommates."

"Right," I laughed, giving him a quick wave before pressing on the door to step into the lobby. "Bye Liam."

With that, I headed out of the dormitory and onto the streets of London to make my way to the airport. I was headed back to the life that I was trying to get away from for all the wrong reasons. After reading Riley's letter, I realized that I wasn't trying to find myself when I left New York. I was running away from everything that had happened and refusing to own up to my mistakes. I saw how wrong I was now. I just hoped that it wasn't too late to fix everything.

* * *

 **Riley**

We were packed into the gymnasium so tight that our shoulders were squished together and our knees knocked against one another every time we so much as breathed. It was the beginning of the school year assembly, and the seniors had the esteemed privilege of sitting up front where there was a lot less space and it was much hotter than it was in the rest of the gym.

"I'm sweating in places I didn't even know existed," Maya complained, fanning herself with the pamphlet they gave us as we arrived at the assembly.

"We really need a bigger gym," Farkle agreed, pulling on his green button-down shirt to keep it from clinging to his body. "Overcrowding is seriously an issue here. I'm definitely writing my first article of the year about that."

"Wait a minute, Riley told me that she would give the first interesting article of the year to me," Maya turned in her seat to nudge me in the side. "Riley, didn't you say that?"

"I don't know," I muttered, my mind somewhere else entirely. "I don't think I know anything anymore."

There were a thousand things I didn't know. A million even. More than a million. In fact, I practically knew nothing. But amongst those millions of things that I was in the dark about, there was one single, solitary fact that I was absolutely certain of that rose above the rest and made it's way into the light. I knew him. I knew him down to his very core. And I was so in love with him. And the inconceivable truth about it was that he had no idea who I was. Not in the way that counted. At least that's what I thought before... Well, just. Before.

"Settle down please," the principal instructed from the podium at the front of the room. "I'm very excited to get this school year started off right, so without further ado I would like to introduce our student body president from last year, Merritt Haynes."

Merritt stood from her special chair next to the principal's podium and took his place. She started talking about all the big events that she helped organize last year and how she looked forward to doing so again this year if she were chosen as student body president a second time. She introduced some other students with important-sounding titles who expressed the importance of joining clubs this year. It was all very mundane, heavy with information I had already heard the last three years I had gone to school here. Then it was Holden Friar's turn to talk about the drama club. My heart stopped for a second when he stepped onto the podium. He looked so much like his brother, it was a little hard to look at him.

"Last fall we put on a wonderful rendition of Death of a Salesman," Holden was saying, and I averted my eyes to the floor and refused to look back up at him. "And even though I wasn't a part of it, the spring musical was equally amazing. I'm excited to be here for the entire year this year and to-"

The room fell silent as Holden suddenly stopped talking in the middle of his sentence. My head shot up to see Holden frozen at the podium, completely unable to speak or move.

"Why'd he stop?" I asked Maya, as I scanned the gymnasium to see students whispering amongst themselves with curious expressions.

"Riley," she muttered, her eyes locked on something near the gym's entrance.

"What?"

"Look," she pointed to a figure standing in the doorway and I followed her finger with my gaze to see Lucas standing with his hands in his pockets, looking more nervous than I had ever seen him.

It didn't take him long to find me in the crowd. As he made his way to the front of the room, every single eye was on him as they waited to see what he was going to do. With his gaze still on me, he leaned in to hug his brother before turning to face the microphone.

"Hi little brother," he greeted Holden, gesturing to the podium and the crowd sitting before him. "Mind if I take over?"

"No, the floor's all yours," Holden patted Lucas on the back before stepping to the side to let Lucas have the mic.

"Thanks," he mumbled, glancing down at the wooden surface in front of him as he took a second to gather his thoughts. "Hi everyone. Uh, if you were around last year you might have seen or heard some things about me that might give you the impression that I haven't really been myself. Or maybe you didn't notice because I haven't even known who that is for a very long time. At least that's what I thought. But anyway, someone very special to me showed me recently that I've always been the person that I was meant to be. It just took running away to London for me to understand that."

Lucas paused for a moment to take the microphone from it's stand and walk a few steps in my direction without meeting my eyes. I could see and hear the people behind me whispering to their friends and in that moment I really just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide for the rest of the day.

"This person has seen me for who I am since before I even knew her. And I know that sounds crazy and I know that half of you don't know what I'm talking about, but I hope that she does. And I hope that she is hearing me when I say that I made a mistake," Lucas stopped in front of me and finally moved his head slightly to meet my gaze. "I made a mistake by leaving and not trusting you or even trusting myself to find a way past all the craziness that's happened over the last year. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. But I hope that you can give me another chance to prove to you that I'm not going to leave again and I'm still going to fulfill all of the promises I made to you. I'm right here, and I'll always be here, but you just need to give me a chance to-"

People might have thought I was crazy for giving him another chance, but I knew Lucas' heart. And I knew that he had found a way to overcome the darkness he had felt inside since everything that had happened with his parents and Jensen. I could see how genuine he was being and I knew he would do everything he could not to hurt me again.

"Lucas," I stood from the bench quickly to place a hand over his mouth to keep him from saying anything more. "You talk too much."

He didn't waste another second. Ignoring all the cheers from the students behind us, Lucas pulled me towards him with one hand and placed the other on my cheek, closing every inch of space between us. Before I could catch my breath, Lucas met his lips with mine and the rest of the world melted away. Our past didn't matter, the future didn't matter - all that mattered was the two of us in that moment, keeping the promises we made to each other and feeling like we knew one another in the most important ways.

"Ms. Hart, those are supposed to be for the pep rally next week, don't pull that rope young lady!" I heard the principal shout off to the side of the the gymnasium. A second later Lucas and I broke away to see Maya holding onto a rope and looking up at the ceiling mischievously.

"Oops, too late!" Maya shouted, pulling down on the rope to release a net full of balloons that fell onto our shoulders and surrounded us instantly. A second later the music began to play from the loud speaker in the AV closet and the crowd of students swarmed the gymnasium floor, pushing Lucas and me off to the side.

"Remember that day in the hallway last year when I asked you if I looked happy?" Lucas asked, holding my hands and leaning in close.

"Vaguely," I smirked, thinking back to that day and remembering every word we said to one another.

"Well what's your answer now?" Lucas wanted to know, stepping back and smiling down at me. "Do I look happy?"

"You look like Lucas Friar," I said confidently, returning his smile and kicking a few balloons out of the way so that I could step closer to him. "And I look like Riley Matthews. And it looks like we're going to have an amazing year together."

"I like the sound of that." With that, he leaned forward to rest his forehead against mine before our lips found each other for another kiss.

A lot had happened in the last year. And a lot was still going to happen. Lucas and I had grown in ways I didn't think possible and we weren't done. We might know who we are now, but that could change in a year or two years or even a week from now. I think we both finally realize that it's okay not to know who you are because if you find the right people or do what's best for you - you'll find your way. And if you're lucky enough, you can finally add your own name to that list of people you may know. I know I have. And I couldn't be happier.


	25. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Lucas stepped in front of Riley as they made their way onto the rooftop of the New York City apartment building. He turned to face her, placing one hand over her eyes as he held the door open with his foot.

"Close your eyes!" Lucas instructed her, pushing the door open wider and pulling her through the doorway so that they were both standing on the roof. "No peeking!"

"Lucas, I feel like I'm going to run into something," Riley told him, reaching out in front of her as if she was afraid that something was lurking around her. "I'm not very coordinated and when you take away one of my senses you know that I'm just bound to-"

Before she could finish her sentence, Riley lurched forward as her foot caught on a tiny groove in the pavement and Lucas reached out to grab her before she could land face first onto the ground.

"Oops," Lucas muttered, biting his bottom lip in an effort to suppress his laughter. "Are you okay?"

"Ow!" Riley cried, a playful tone to her voice as she took a much more graceful step forward.

"Sorry," Lucas apologized, and Riley could tell that he was smiling just by the tone of his voice. "I've got you, just keep walking forward."

"Where are you taking me?" Riley asked, her other senses very alert to everything happening around them. She could hear the cars on the street, smell sweet honeysuckle and gardenias in the air, but she still couldn't see where they were or how they had gotten there.

"Just a few more steps," he assured her, as he gently led her around a corner. "Okay, swing around here. Alright. Open your eyes."

Riley's eyes flew open and her breath caught in her throat. They were surrounded by lush greenery and a range of freshly bloomed flowers from elegant calla lilies to bright pink azaleas. Riley's gaze flitted from one section of the garden to the next, feeling completely overwhelmed by how beautiful everything was.

"Lucas," she breathed, unable to form the words to express how perfect this surprise had been. "I've never seen anything like it."

"I thought you might like it," Lucas beamed at her as he watched the way she grazed her fingers along the overgrown boxwood bushes near the entrance to the staircase where they had just emerged.

"You brought me to my own secret garden, Lucas," she shook her head in awe, shuffling over to the other side of the roof as she took in everything that there was to see.

"I figured that since the book was partly what brought me back to you a year ago, this would be the perfect graduation present," Lucas explained, letting the door to the roof close until it hit the doorstop and quickly hurrying back over to where Riley was now leaning over to smell the roses growing in the center of the garden.

"I love it," Riley turned back to smile up at him and he reached behind her to pluck a rose from the bush, careful to avoid the thorns.

"A garden symbolizes rejuvenation and growth," he told her, reaching out to hand her the rose. She happily took it and smiled gratefully at its fully bloomed petals. "And because I feel like we've done a lot of that these past two years, I thought that coming here before we go off to college seemed appropriate."

"It's perfect," she assured him, but frowned suddenly as she glanced down at her phone to see the time blinking up at her as a reminder. "But you realize that we get on a plane in less than two hours."

"I know that," he nodded, taking the rose from her hand and gently placing it behind her ear. "But I wanted you to see this before we left. And I called in a favor with the guy who owns it. He says you can come here whenever you want."

"Well, it's a good thing we're both staying in New York for college then," Riley told him, reaching up on her tiptoes to wrap her arms around his neck. She quickly looked around the roof as a thought occurred to her. "We are still in New York, right?"

"Yes, miss paranoid," Lucas assured her, leaning forward to brush a piece of hair out of her face. "But you were right - if we don't leave now we're going to be stuck here all summer and we won't get to see the beautiful gardens they have in Paris."

"And London," Riley added, moving her hands down his arms to rest them just above his elbows. "Did you tell Liam you were coming to visit him at Oxford while we're there?"

"I did," he nodded as he leaned back on his heels. "He was surprised - yet much more excited than I thought he was going to be."

"I can't believe my parents are letting me go on this trip with you," Riley dropped her hands to her side and started walking deeper into the garden.

"I can't believe it either," Lucas fell into step beside her and she automatically reached for his hand. "It's very unlike your father to be so cool about something like this, but I'm not going to question it. I'm the luckiest guy on the planet, let's just leave it at that."

"Even with his four conditions?" Riley asked, scrunching her nose together as they stopped at the part of the garden that led into four neat rows of flowers and shrubs.

"You guys, this place is like a maze!" Maya announced as she appeared at the entrance to one of the rows that was located closest to the edge of the roof.

"I didn't know marigolds were in season," Farkle chimed in, bending down to smell the flowers before looking up at Riley and Lucas in awe. "Hey, Lucas do you think you can ask the gardener if-"

"Now's not the time for questions, dearest," Isadora, Farkle's girlfriend, reminded him as she made her way through the greenery to stand next to him, rubbing his arm gently and leading him to a different part of the garden.

"Sorry beloved," Farkle apologized, linking his arm with hers and following slightly behind her.

"Ugh, gag," Maya mumbled under her breath, pointing dramatically at the couple as they made their way down the middle row of flowers. "You're incredibly lucky we're in this labyrinth-like garden maze and I can't get to you right now."

"Maya," Zay said softly, stepping forward to gently graze his fingers along her arm. "Come on, leave them alone, they're happy. And so are we. Aren't we?"

"Eh, to be determined," Maya shrugged, turning her head to smirk slyly at him before placing an arm around his shoulders and following in the direction that Farkle and Isadora disappeared down a moment ago.

Riley and Lucas watched their friends with wild amusement as they made their way through the rest of the garden.

"Yeah," Lucas answered Riley's previous question, turning towards her to place a hand on her cheek. "Even with his four conditions. This trip is going to be amazing because we'll be together and we'll have our best friends with us as an added bonus. It's going to be perfect."

"And when we come back," Riley prompted, raising her eyebrows at him as she waited for him to finish her sentence.

"We'll be together at NYU," Lucas added, his eyes lighting up at the thought of them attending college together.

"You're still sure that's what you want?" Riley wanted to know, her tone full of uncertainty. "You think you can be happy there?"

"Riley, I'm going to a great college to study English with the girl I love," Lucas reminded her, rubbing a thumb along her cheekbone as he took a step closer to her to fill the space between them. "What could make me happier?"

"This?"

With that, Riley leaned forward and in one swift motion she met her lips with his and the world around them seemed to become ten times brighter. Lucas pulled her even closer to him and they felt as though their lives couldn't be more perfect.

"Yep," Lucas mumbled, struggling to find his voice as he pulled back from the kiss. "That definitely made me happier."

"Enough you two," Maya chastised as she and the rest of the group met Riley and Lucas back in the center of the garden. "Let's get out of here. We've got a plane to catch!"

Hand in hand, Riley and Lucas followed their friends back through the garden to the roof's staircase that led to the lobby of the apartment building. Riley lightly tugged on Lucas' hand to hold him back as they let the rest of the group pass in front of them.

"Ready?" Lucas asked, furrowing his eyebrows as he stared into her eyes curiously.

"Just," Riley breathed, taking both of his hands in hers and smiling up at him. "Let's stand here a second. You and me, together. Breathing in the scent of the garden, feeling the sun on our skin. We made it, Lucas. Through all the obstacles, through everything that was working against us - we did it. And I can honestly say that I'm the luckiest person in the world because I got the privilege of knowing you. I got the privilege of loving you. And I'm forever changed because of it."

Lucas met her steady gaze with a smile. Her eyes were so full of love and admiration and happiness, and Lucas hoped that she could tell that he was feeling the exact same things.

"Well, you're just lucky I needed tutoring," Lucas joked, and Riley pushed his shoulder hard enough so that he stumbled backwards a few steps. "No, I truly believe that I would have found a way to get to know you somehow. Even if I didn't come to you for tutoring that day. Even if Jensen and my parents and Merritt never happened - I would have found my way to you."

"You believe that?" Riley asked breathlessly, her voice barely coming out above a whisper.

"I believe that," Lucas assured her, pulling her close and wrapping his arms around her. "But for the record - I'm still the lucky one. I will always be lucky that you agreed to be with me."

"Fair enough," Riley smirked, rolling her eyes as she pulled back to meet his gaze.

"Okay!" Lucas clapped his hands together once as he raised his eyebrows at her questioningly. "What about now? Are you ready to go?"

"Europe, here we come!" Riley exclaimed, pumping her fist in the air and hurrying off towards the staircase to catch up with the others.

Riley was grateful for everything that had happened since she first met Lucas Friar. All the secrets, all the danger, all the heartache. It was a messy, roller-coaster of an adventure that led her to the life she had now. But she knew it wasn't over. New people to meet, more mysteries to uncover about herself and her friends, places to explore, knowledge to be gained. The adventure was just beginning. And she couldn't wait go through it all with Lucas by her side.


End file.
